Momversation: A Husband’s Reaction to Postpartum Depression

Go check out this new dad’s story over at Momversation. It’s a very honest, insightful, and brave look into the storm through dad’s eyes.

I’m sad he hasn’t taken time to deal with his own emotions surrounding the storm but certainly can relate. As my husband worked through addiction recovery I was often placed on the back burner. This is not healthy. The healthier I am, the better care I am able to provide for those around me. (think apply the oxygen to self before others)

Please don’t forget to take care of yourselves in the midst of the storm, dad. We moms need you to be at your best so we can be at ours.

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Postnatal Paternal Depression: An inside view with Joel Schwartzberg

Back in April, Newsweek published an article by a dad who had experienced depression after the birth of his son. This dad’s name is Joel Schwartzberg. He’s got a new book out, The 40 Year old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad. After a recent interview on a blog I regularly read, The Collective Inkwell, I snagged him for an interview here. I hope you’ll enjoy his honesty, his wisdom, and his strength.

Thanks for sharing, Joel.

Tell us a little about Joel Schwartzberg, the guy. What would he be doing on a typical Friday night if he had it to himself?

I’m all about comfort, so it wouldn’t be much different from how I’d spend it with my wife and our five cats: relaxing on our soft couch, checking email, watching reruns of “Law & Order” and eating something delicious she made. Though, to be fair, if I was by myself you’d have to substitute a slice of eggplant parmigiana pizza for my wife’s inspired cooking. It’s not exactly glamorous, but it is me.

In your Newsweek article, Slouching Towards Fatherhood, you open up about your depression after the birth of your son. In the piece you mention a realization of depression years after it occurred. How did this realization put life as a father into perspective for you?

Realizing I had suffered from depression (and wasn’t just a naturally “bad dad”) gave me the inspiration and confidence to rebuild my personal dadhood from scratch. Before then, I felt paternally-challenged, handicapped as a dad, a total fathering failure. Now, as I define my dadhood based on my own standards and expectations, I don’t fear failure. Parents are not perfect; failure is a crucial part of the process of becoming a better parent.

Depression looks different when it happens to a guy after the birth of a child. What did depression look like for you? What are some signs and symptoms other men and their loved ones should learn to recognize? What can partners do to help if a loved one is sinking into a deep depression?

The clearest symptom of my depression was the way I grasped desperately for moments of self-indulgence, most often with food. I would savor opportunities to leave the house “on an errand” and get big fat cheeseburgers. I think I outpaced my son 10-1 in terms of weight gain that month alone. Eating fast food was a secret; it even felt like cheating, but it also felt like one of the few parts of my individual identity that wasn’t obliterated by parenthood. When men start keeping secrets from their partners, something is amiss in the relationship; someone’s needs are not getting met.

I’m not a psychologist, but my advice for women partners is to understand that some men need to retain a semblance of their pre-parenthood lives, and that need should be supported and nurtured as much as possible, as well as openly discussed. Also, a marriage needs to be pro-actively preserved, not martyred, as it gets rocked by the wrecking ball of sudden parenthood.

The perpetuated myth of the typical male as a stalwart statue resounds pretty deeply within the modern psyche. Have you experienced any backlash as a result of sharing your experience with depression? How have you coped with those who have harshly judged your experience?

Depression in men — dads in particular — is often taken as a sign of weakness and cowardice. People have told me I needed to just “man up”, but I think it takes a lot of courage to admit vulnerability, and dealing with emotions openly is ultimately healthier than burying them. I’ve had people call me some pretty nasty things, but just as many men and women have approached me with similar stories, and found my writing to be “gutsy.”

I feared a backlash from women with PPD because women have a biological, umbilical connection to their kids; Dads just have to hold on tight. So who are we to claim post-partum depression? But women who’d suffered from PPD had some of the most supportive responses to my writing.

My reaction to those who called me a “crybaby”, “weak,” and a “terrible excuse for a man” is simply to say: I had difficulty accepting sudden fatherhood — the biggest upheaval in life —  and I’m owning up to it. I also overcame it, love my children, and have a great relationship with them now.

This goes against the grain because it doesn’t fall into one of the top three father stereotypes: Deadbeat (Gosselin), Lazy (Romano) and Super-Dad (Cosby); the guilt of not living up to that last impossible expectation can be really destructive, but slipping into a lazy parenting role is also a disservice and a missed opportunity to
connect with your kids in a really meaningful way.

It’s my current wonderful and honest relationship with my kids that gives me faith that I’m doing the right thing as their father. I’m a more genuine dad for having been completely honest with myself.

List three things which made you smile or laugh today.

1. A news report about a stray cat that was stuck under the hood of a
car during a long road trip, but survived and escaped injury. I’m sure
it had a grudge; I believe cats are the only animals capable of
holding grudges.

2. Having my mechanic not only look at my flat tire without an
appointment, but also shuttle me to the train station so I wouldn’t
have to walk in the cold.

3. Getting handed a slice of mud pie for a colleague’s birthday party.
I love office parties.

As a result of the depressive episodes both my husband and I experienced after the birth of our second daughter, we have begun to talk with our children about depression in an age-appropriate manner. Have you spoken with your oldest son about depression yet? If not, do you think you will in the future and what do you see that conversation including?

I’m very fortunate that my kids are very bright and open with their emotions, so we talk about a full range of feelings. They’re too young to grasp the concept of clinical depression, but they understand confusion, sadness, and frustration very well, as we deal with those feelings almost every time I see them.

I don’t plan on advertising my depression to them, but I hope when they’re old enough to read and understand that essay in particular, they’ll see the value in being honest with oneself, and how writing can play a part in that process.

I do talk to them openly about anger-management – both theirs and mine. These discussions help me help them, and help them see me as a complete human, not just as a parent. I think it’s good for older children to see their parents as people, not just parents.

At the Postpartum Dads Project we believe Postpartum Mood Disorders are a WHOLE family thing. What kind of support, if any, did you have during your depression after the birth of your son? How do you think your level of support at the time affected your recovery? What can new dads do to build a supportive network around themselves?

My ex-wife is a psychologist and quickly diagnosed me as having PTSD following my son’s birth. It’s certainly possible I had PTSD, but my main problem in those early days was the decimation of my identity. I coped with that by draping myself in denial – which in retrospect only extended my depression.

I’m not the type of person to have a close circle of friends, and I wasn’t honest enough with myself or others to make use of that kind of support system anyway. My parents are very “right and wrong” kind of parents, so I did not turn to them either. Ultimately, it took time, therapy, and – frankly — divorce for me to recover.

I feel new dads really need to share experiences, not just advice, with each other. One of the reasons I wrote the book was because it was something I needed when I got divorced. Finding legal tips online was easy; getting comfort less so. With no divorce whatsoever in my family history, I needed to know I wasn’t alone.

I’m still inspired by other dads who talk about their difficulty with sudden parenthood – sometimes they whisper it to me. What we need is compassion and understanding.

Your depression ultimately led to your divorce. Would you share with our readers what the inside of a divorce looks like? What helped you survive and thrive during this difficult time?

My depression definitely made me harder to live with, but — to my eyes — my ex wife’s abandonment of our marriage for parenthood caused the divorce. While our actual separation was fairly calm, the inside of a legal divorce is an ugly place where justice and fairness collides with feelings and justifications, but the outside can be peaceful if the two parties realize that civility does not require agreement or even understanding.

My kids actually helped me cope with the divorce by showing love for me as an individual, outside our former family context. When they live with me, it makes me feel like a father. And that’s a wonderful, fulfilling feeling.

What is your absolute favorite thing about fatherhood? Share with us a quick story about one of the funniest things one of your kids has done.

My favorite thing to do with my kids – and the least expensive — is go to Kmart. They hang on to the big red shopping carts while I take sharp turns, go on shopping list scavenger hunts, stack bottles of Dad’s favorite black cherry sparkling water, gawk at the massive display of Halloween costumes, and run up the down escalators. It never gets old.

Last but not least, let’s say you have just a split second to give some advice to a struggling new dad before he jumps in a cab. What would you tell him?

Be the dad you are, not the dad people in your life or in your television expect you to be.

1) Tell us a little about Joel Schwartzberg, the guy. What would he be
doing on a typical Friday night if he had it to himself?

I’m all about comfort, so it wouldn’t be much different from how I’d
spend it with my wife and our five cats: relaxing on our soft couch,
checking email, watching reruns of “Law & Order” and eating something
delicious she made. Though, to be fair, if I was by myself you’d have
to substitute a slice of eggplant parmigiana pizza for my wife’s
inspired cooking. It’s not exactly glamorous, but it is me.

2) In your Newsweek article, Slouching Towards Fatherhood, you open up
about your depression after the birth of your son. In the piece you
mention a realization of depression years after it occurred. How did
this realization put life as a father into perspective for you?

Realizing I had suffered from depression (and wasn’t just a naturally
“bad dad”) gave me the inspiration and confidence to rebuild my
personal dadhood from scratch. Before then, I felt
paternally-challenged, handicapped as a dad, a total fathering
failure. Now, as I define my dadhood based on my own standards and
expectations, I don’t fear failure. Parents are not perfect; failure
is a crucial part of the process of becoming a better parent.

3) Depression looks different when it happens to a guy after the birth
of a child. What did depression look like for you? What are some signs
and symptoms other men and their loved ones should learn to recognize?
What can partners do to help if a loved one is sinking into a deep
depression?

The clearest symptom of my depression was the way I grasped
desperately for moments of self-indulgence, most often with food. I
would savor opportunities to leave the house “on an errand” and get
big fat cheeseburgers. I think I outpaced my son 10-1 in terms of
weight gain that month alone. Eating fast food was a secret; it even
felt like cheating, but it also felt like one of the few parts of my
individual identity that wasn’t obliterated by parenthood. When men
start keeping secrets from their partners, something is amiss in the
relationship; someone’s needs are not getting met.

I’m not a psychologist, but my advice for women partners is to
understand that some men need to retain a semblance of their
pre-parenthood lives, and that need should be supported and nurtured
as much as possible, as well as openly discussed. Also, a marriage
needs to be proactively preserved, not martyred, as it gets rocked by
the wrecking ball of sudden parenthood.

4) The perpetuated myth of the typical male as a stalwart statue
resounds pretty deeply within the modern psyche. Have you experienced
any backlash as a result of sharing your experience with depression?
How have you coped with those who have harshly judged your experience?

Depression in men — dads in particular — is often taken as a sign of
weakness and cowardice. People have told me I needed to just “man up”,
but I think it takes a lot of courage to admit vulnerability, and
dealing with emotions openly is ultimately healthier than burying
them. I’ve had people call me some pretty nasty things, but just as
many men and women have approached me with similar stories, and found
my writing to be “gutsy.”

I feared a backlash from women with PPD because women have a
biological, umbilical connection to their kids; Dads just have to hold
on tight. So who are we to claim post-partum depression? But women
who’d suffered from PPD had some of the most supportive responses to
my writing.

My reaction to those who called me a “crybaby”, “weak,” and a
“terrible excuse for a man” is simply to say: I had difficulty
accepting sudden fatherhood — the biggest upheaval in life —  and
I’m owning up to it. I also overcame it, love my children, and have a
great relationship with them now.

This goes against the grain because it doesn’t fall into one of the
top three father stereotypes: Deadbeat (Gosselin), Lazy (Romano) and
Super-Dad (Cosby); the guilt of not living up to that last impossible
expectation can be really destructive, but slipping into a lazy
parenting role is also a disservice and a missed opportunity to
connect with your kids in a really meaningful way.

It’s my current wonderful and honest relationship with my kids that
gives me faith that I’m doing the right thing as their father. I’m a
more genuine dad for having been completely honest with myself.

5) List three things which made you smile or laugh today.

1. A news report about a stray cat that was stuck under the hood of a
car during a long road trip, but survived and escaped injury. I’m sure
it had a grudge; I believe cats are the only animals capable of
holding grudges.

2. Having my mechanic not only look at my flat tire without an
appointment, but also shuttle me to the train station so I wouldn’t
have to walk in the cold.

3. Getting handed a slice of mud pie for a colleague’s birthday party.
I love office parties.

6) As a result of the depressive episodes both my husband and I
experienced after the birth of our second daughter, we have begun to
talk with our children about depression in an age-appropriate manner.
Have you spoken with your oldest son about depression yet? If not, do
you think you will in the future and what do you see that conversation
including?

I’m very fortunate that my kids are very bright and open with their
emotions, so we talk about a full range of feelings. They’re too young
to grasp the concept of clinical depression, but they understand
confusion, sadness, and frustration very well, as we deal with those
feelings almost every time I see them.

I don’t plan on advertising my depression to them, but I hope when
they’re old enough to read and understand that essay in particular,
they’ll see the value in being honest with oneself, and how writing
can play a part in that process.

I do talk to them openly about anger-management – both theirs and
mine. These discussions help me help them, and help them see me as a
complete human, not just as a parent. I think it’s good for older
children to see their parents as people, not just parents.

7) At the Postpartum Dads Project we believe Postpartum Mood Disorders
are a WHOLE family thing. What kind of support, if any, did you have
during your depression after the birth of your son? How do you think
your level of support at the time affected your recovery? What can new
dads do to build a supportive network around themselves?

My ex-wife is a psychologist and quickly diagnosed me as having PTSD
following my son’s birth. It’s certainly possible I had PTSD, but my
main problem in those early days was the decimation of my identity. I
coped with that by draping myself in denial – which in retrospect only
extended my depression.

I’m not the type of person to have a close circle of friends, and I
wasn’t honest enough with myself or others to make use of that kind of
support system anyway. My parents are very “right and wrong” kind of
parents, so I did not turn to them either. Ultimately, it took time,
therapy, and – frankly — divorce for me to recover.

I feel new dads really need to share experiences, not just advice,
with each other. One of the reasons I wrote the book was because it
was something I needed when I got divorced. Finding legal tips online
was easy; getting comfort less so. With no divorce whatsoever in my
family history, I needed to know I wasn’t alone.

I’m still inspired by other dads who talk about their difficulty with
sudden parenthood – sometimes they whisper it to me. What we need is
compassion and understanding.

8) Your depression ultimately led to your divorce. Would you share
with our readers what the inside of a divorce looks like? What helped
you survive and thrive during this difficult time?

My depression definitely made me harder to live with, but — to my
eyes — my ex wife’s abandonment of our marriage for parenthood caused
the divorce. While our actual separation was fairly calm, the inside
of a legal divorce is an ugly place where justice and fairness
collides with feelings and justifications, but the outside can be
peaceful if the two parties realize that civility does not require
agreement or even understanding.

My kids actually helped me cope with the divorce by showing love for
me as an individual, outside our former family context. When they live
with me, it makes me feel like a father. And that’s a wonderful,
fulfilling feeling.

9) What is your absolute favorite thing about fatherhood? Share with
us a quick story about one of the funniest things one of your kids has
done.

My favorite thing to do with my kids – and the least expensive — is
go to Kmart. They hang on to the big red shopping carts while I take
sharp turns, go on shopping list scavenger hunts, stack bottles of
Dad’s favorite black cherry sparkling water, gawk at the massive
display of Halloween costumes, and run up the down escalators. It
never gets old.

10) Last but not least, let’s say you have just a split second to give
some advice to a struggling new dad before he jumps in a cab. What
would you tell him?

Be the dad you are, not the dad people in your life or in your
television expect you to be.1) Tell us a little about Joel Schwartzberg, the guy. What would he be

doing on a typical Friday night if he had it to himself?

I’m all about comfort, so it wouldn’t be much different from how I’d

spend it with my wife and our five cats: relaxing on our soft couch,

checking email, watching reruns of “Law & Order” and eating something

delicious she made. Though, to be fair, if I was by myself you’d have

to substitute a slice of eggplant parmigiana pizza for my wife’s

inspired cooking. It’s not exactly glamorous, but it is me.

2) In your Newsweek article, Slouching Towards Fatherhood, you open up

about your depression after the birth of your son. In the piece you

mention a realization of depression years after it occurred. How did

this realization put life as a father into perspective for you?

Realizing I had suffered from depression (and wasn’t just a naturally

“bad dad”) gave me the inspiration and confidence to rebuild my

personal dadhood from scratch. Before then, I felt

paternally-challenged, handicapped as a dad, a total fathering

failure. Now, as I define my dadhood based on my own standards and

expectations, I don’t fear failure. Parents are not perfect; failure

is a crucial part of the process of becoming a better parent.

3) Depression looks different when it happens to a guy after the birth

of a child. What did depression look like for you? What are some signs

and symptoms other men and their loved ones should learn to recognize?

What can partners do to help if a loved one is sinking into a deep

depression?

The clearest symptom of my depression was the way I grasped

desperately for moments of self-indulgence, most often with food. I

would savor opportunities to leave the house “on an errand” and get

big fat cheeseburgers. I think I outpaced my son 10-1 in terms of

weight gain that month alone. Eating fast food was a secret; it even

felt like cheating, but it also felt like one of the few parts of my

individual identity that wasn’t obliterated by parenthood. When men

start keeping secrets from their partners, something is amiss in the

relationship; someone’s needs are not getting met.

I’m not a psychologist, but my advice for women partners is to

understand that some men need to retain a semblance of their

pre-parenthood lives, and that need should be supported and nurtured

as much as possible, as well as openly discussed. Also, a marriage

needs to be proactively preserved, not martyred, as it gets rocked by

the wrecking ball of sudden parenthood.

4) The perpetuated myth of the typical male as a stalwart statue

resounds pretty deeply within the modern psyche. Have you experienced

any backlash as a result of sharing your experience with depression?

How have you coped with those who have harshly judged your experience?

Depression in men — dads in particular — is often taken as a sign of

weakness and cowardice. People have told me I needed to just “man up”,

but I think it takes a lot of courage to admit vulnerability, and

dealing with emotions openly is ultimately healthier than burying

them. I’ve had people call me some pretty nasty things, but just as

many men and women have approached me with similar stories, and found

my writing to be “gutsy.”

I feared a backlash from women with PPD because women have a

biological, umbilical connection to their kids; Dads just have to hold

on tight. So who are we to claim post-partum depression? But women

who’d suffered from PPD had some of the most supportive responses to

my writing.

My reaction to those who called me a “crybaby”, “weak,” and a

“terrible excuse for a man” is simply to say: I had difficulty

accepting sudden fatherhood — the biggest upheaval in life — and

I’m owning up to it. I also overcame it, love my children, and have a

great relationship with them now.

This goes against the grain because it doesn’t fall into one of the

top three father stereotypes: Deadbeat (Gosselin), Lazy (Romano) and

Super-Dad (Cosby); the guilt of not living up to that last impossible

expectation can be really destructive, but slipping into a lazy

parenting role is also a disservice and a missed opportunity to

connect with your kids in a really meaningful way.

It’s my current wonderful and honest relationship with my kids that

gives me faith that I’m doing the right thing as their father. I’m a

more genuine dad for having been completely honest with myself.

5) List three things which made you smile or laugh today.

1. A news report about a stray cat that was stuck under the hood of a

car during a long road trip, but survived and escaped injury. I’m sure

it had a grudge; I believe cats are the only animals capable of

holding grudges.

2. Having my mechanic not only look at my flat tire without an

appointment, but also shuttle me to the train station so I wouldn’t

have to walk in the cold.

3. Getting handed a slice of mud pie for a colleague’s birthday party.

I love office parties.

6) As a result of the depressive episodes both my husband and I

experienced after the birth of our second daughter, we have begun to

talk with our children about depression in an age-appropriate manner.

Have you spoken with your oldest son about depression yet? If not, do

you think you will in the future and what do you see that conversation

including?

I’m very fortunate that my kids are very bright and open with their

emotions, so we talk about a full range of feelings. They’re too young

to grasp the concept of clinical depression, but they understand

confusion, sadness, and frustration very well, as we deal with those

feelings almost every time I see them.

I don’t plan on advertising my depression to them, but I hope when

they’re old enough to read and understand that essay in particular,

they’ll see the value in being honest with oneself, and how writing

can play a part in that process.

I do talk to them openly about anger-management – both theirs and

mine. These discussions help me help them, and help them see me as a

complete human, not just as a parent. I think it’s good for older

children to see their parents as people, not just parents.

7) At the Postpartum Dads Project we believe Postpartum Mood Disorders

are a WHOLE family thing. What kind of support, if any, did you have

during your depression after the birth of your son? How do you think

your level of support at the time affected your recovery? What can new

dads do to build a supportive network around themselves?

My ex-wife is a psychologist and quickly diagnosed me as having PTSD

following my son’s birth. It’s certainly possible I had PTSD, but my

main problem in those early days was the decimation of my identity. I

coped with that by draping myself in denial – which in retrospect only

extended my depression.

I’m not the type of person to have a close circle of friends, and I

wasn’t honest enough with myself or others to make use of that kind of

support system anyway. My parents are very “right and wrong” kind of

parents, so I did not turn to them either. Ultimately, it took time,

therapy, and – frankly — divorce for me to recover.

I feel new dads really need to share experiences, not just advice,

with each other. One of the reasons I wrote the book was because it

was something I needed when I got divorced. Finding legal tips online

was easy; getting comfort less so. With no divorce whatsoever in my

family history, I needed to know I wasn’t alone.

I’m still inspired by other dads who talk about their difficulty with

sudden parenthood – sometimes they whisper it to me. What we need is

compassion and understanding.

8) Your depression ultimately led to your divorce. Would you share

with our readers what the inside of a divorce looks like? What helped

you survive and thrive during this difficult time?

My depression definitely made me harder to live with, but — to my

eyes — my ex wife’s abandonment of our marriage for parenthood caused

the divorce. While our actual separation was fairly calm, the inside

of a legal divorce is an ugly place where justice and fairness

collides with feelings and justifications, but the outside can be

peaceful if the two parties realize that civility does not require

agreement or even understanding.

My kids actually helped me cope with the divorce by showing love for

me as an individual, outside our former family context. When they live

with me, it makes me feel like a father. And that’s a wonderful,

fulfilling feeling.

9) What is your absolute favorite thing about fatherhood? Share with

us a quick story about one of the funniest things one of your kids has

done.

My favorite thing to do with my kids – and the least expensive — is

go to Kmart. They hang on to the big red shopping carts while I take

sharp turns, go on shopping list scavenger hunts, stack bottles of

Dad’s favorite black cherry sparkling water, gawk at the massive

display of Halloween costumes, and run up the down escalators. It

never gets old.

10) Last but not least, let’s say you have just a split second to give

some advice to a struggling new dad before he jumps in a cab. What

would you tell him?

Be the dad you are, not the dad people in your life or in your

television expect you to be.

Australian TODAY Show does segment on male Postnatal Depression

In a nearly four and a half minute segment the anchor and a male pediatrician discuss male postnatal depression quite thoroughly. Some great suggestions and information are given.

Click here to view the video.