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photo by CaptPiper @ flickr
When we travel life’s roads with those we love, the point of destination is always secondary to the quality of the journey.
~ Mary Prince ~
Check out the post Welcome to Fatherhood: Shock & Awe over at Writer Dad’s blog.
It’s an excerpt from Shelley Binkey, M.D.’s book, DIY Baby: Your Essential Pregnancy Handbook.
This post addresses quite a few things but includes Postpartum Depression.
Thanks to Writer Dad for broaching this topic!
A few days ago, I came across a wonderfully open and transparent post written by a husband about his wife’s experience with a Postpartum Mood Disorder over at the Hidden Sage blog.There’s a tremendous rarity to his post though – his wife unfortunately suffered from sexual abuse as a child, something which has raised her risk factor and level of struggle with her Mood Disorder. They’ve used a psychiatrist along with a naturopath for treatment as well. I’ve obtained his permission to repost his story here and I sincerely hope it will help other men who may find themselves in this rare yet real scenario. Thank you for your gracious permission and your bravery in sharing your story with us.
My Wife’s Cycles
My wife has her ups and downs, and if her downs aren’t carefully monitored she can easily crash. She has crashed before; one major crash happened a few years ago after she gave birth to our daughter. At first she just seemed sad and down, but nothing in her behavior was particularily all that worrisome. Then her sadness started to appear more and more like depression. Soon afterwards she started having violent and suicidal thoughts. She’d tell me how she’d get thoughts of violently throwing our kids against the wall, how she just loses it when they’d cry, how she isn’t cut out to be a mother, etc. Her mental state was fragile; her post-partum was just getting worse and worse.
Back then I used to spend half my time at work worried about what my wife was going through. The minute I got home I’d take over. I’d feed the kids, change their diapers, spend time with them and put them to sleep while my wife would go out in an attempt to get her mind off things. More often than not, I was the one that would get up at those post-midnight hours to tend to our kids. She’d be worn out, irritable and hating, and I’d be much too worried about both her and our kids.
Neither of us understood the realities that lie beneath post-partum. We both thought that she would overcome it in due time. By the time we eventually decided to start seeking professional help, she was a mess. Professional help made a huge difference to her; it took her out of her depression. Between the psychiatrist and naturopath her mind and state were gathering back together into something less fragile. Her violent thoughts cleared away, her spirit rose, and she was getting back into her old self. Well, almost.
During the healing process my wife had to come to terms with her reality, and it brought back a lot of her past childhood issues. There were things about her that she needed to confront, but never did. There were traumatic events in her life that no one ever did anything about, events that went beyond her never being raised with one of her parents for more than a couple of years at a time. Her parents divorced soon after she was born and her mom left her with her dad, who in turn left her with his sister. She kept going back and forth between living with her aunt and her father, both of which lived in different countries, until she eventually ran away to her mom during her college years. Those were, however, not the worst of her childhood issues.
She was first sexually abused when she was 6 years old by one of her uncles during a family summer vacation. She was much too young and confused to know what to make of it all. As she grew older other men around her started to take advantage of her as well, at that young age, she didn’t know how to react. Some of those sick men were her father’s best friends and others were her uncles. This sexual abuse lasted for six years, until she was 12. At some point she had attempted telling her step-mother but got a slap across the face in response. To her parents she was just coming up with stories and calling for attention. When she eventually ran away to her mom’s, her step-father took advantage of her. None of these issues had ever been confronted or resolved. I hadn’t known the magnitude of her childhood traumas until after she had started going to the psychiatrist.
Coming to terms with all that had happened to her took a lot out of both of us. I confronted her father, mother and step-father when I found that they weren’t responding to her raising the issues of her past. I cut myself off from her family for about a year. Their reactions and responses to what she told them infuriated the both of us. It took a lot out of her to mend her relations with her parents after what they had done. Her step-father, however, wouldn’t dare show his face around either of us ever again.
My understanding is that people who were sexually abused as kids tend to have major identity issues. They struggle to figure out who they really are and what they’re about. Whether or not that’s the case with all sexually abused people, it’s definitely my wife’s reality. Every now and then she goes through those periods of confusion. They can last anywhere from a week to over a month, depending on how we handle it.
Our naturopath helped us out a lot. She put a lot of effort and time into helping my wife out, and she was basically the only one my wife would go to once she stopped seeing her psychiatrist.
My wife’s cycles still persist and although they’re far less intense than they used to be, the cycles are still a matter of concern to both of us. I’m planning on taking her to Amen Clinics early on this summer and checking up with her psychiatrist once again in the meantime. Although the naturopath was of great help, I think she needs the help only medical therapy can offer.
She’s been going through one of her down cycles for a couple of weeks now. It was peaking a little over a week ago and she now seems to be coming out from it, thanks to our naturopath’s continual free follow-ups. We have decided though, that from now until we head to Amen Clinics, she’ll be going back to seeing her psychiatrist.
There are obviously a lot more layers and issues that affect my wife, but none of them have been as devastating to her as her sexually abused past. It’s always a hurtful experience to see her going through her downward cycles, especially when she’s still unaware that it’s actually happening.
Vin Diesel, a force to be reckoned with in the Action flick world, has just opened up about fatherhood. And he’s one of those glowing new dads. Awesome for him!
Vin says, “It’s changed my life and everything that falls under that umbrella. You can’t pull me away from my house as easily as you used to, because I’ve got a nine-month-old thing on me and it’s heaven. I love it. I love being a dad. I’m a changed man.”
I’m happy for him.
photo by jeffbalke @ flickr
But what if you’re not a Glowing Dad? What if you’re feeling down and aren’t able to cope with being around your kid and can’t be pulled TO your house unless you’re kicking and screaming? What do you do then?
The folks over at the Irish Independent have a terrific Q&A on How to cope when it’s the man who is suffering from post-natal depression. While written from a European point of view, the article itself includes a solid list of symptoms and courses of actions easily translated into the American medical system.
You can also seek support from Dr. Will Courtenay over at Postpartum Men. At his site you will find signs and symtpoms, an assesment, and an online forum where you can connect with other fathers struggling with similar issues. You are not alone.
Postpartum Support International also started a weekly support call for dads today. This support call is hosted by experts (tonight it was Dr. Courtenay), is limited to the first 15 callers, and you are not required to say anything or even let them know your real name. Instructions on participating can be found here.
- photo by davidanthonyporter @ flickr.com
Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain.
~Author Unknown~
A couple of weeks ago, we shared the journey with Amber Koter-Puline. Today we’ll get her husband’s point of view. It’s important to include dad in the postpartum experience because his support is invaluable to recovery. I want to thank Michael from the depths of my heart for sharing his story so openly and for supporting Amber so wonderfully during such a difficult experience. I hope this provides invaluable insight for new or expecting fathers who may either find themselves in a similar situation or know someone who is already there.
What makes you tick? Tell us a little bit about who you are!
I enjoy business – specifically the retail real estate business. I enjoy all aspects of my business. I spend a good portion of my time dedicated to being successful in my work so that I can provide for my family. I also enjoy spending time training Gracie jiu jitsu; its something that I have always wanted to get into before but didn’t have the opportunity. When we moved to Atlanta and I found a place to train and I immediately began. I am a morning person! I like to get up very early before others to accomplish things. I am generally waiting for the gym to open at 4:45am when I arrive. Sometimes they let us in early. On nights that I am not at jiu jitsu, I play the guitar and enjoy spending time with my family.
You’ve walked the dark path of Postpartum Depression with your wife. Share with us what it was like to watch the woman you loved seemingly slip away into a dark shell.
It was awful. I saw a highly motivated and capable person become so helpless and undergo such a radical change. It is almost as if you no longer know the person. They are someone else. It was very difficult for me because I didn’t really believe it was happening. I thought that it would go away on its own. But, when Amber came to me and recognized that she was in need of professional help I knew that it was serious. It was very difficult to deal with. I had to change my work schedule and Amber had to even come with me to work some days. It was almost as if she had regressed mentally to a 4 year old. She had to be at my side almost 24-7. You can’t believe it until you experience it.
How did your faith support you through Amber’s recovery?
It helped in many ways. One of the biggest was seeing the outpouring of help from our church community. Even people who we did not expect to come through for us came and truly tried to make a difference in our lives and help us with this difficult situation. As a result of having gone through this, my faith has grown stronger and I can now see why God chose this to happen to my wife.
What has it been like to see your wife take something so painful and turn it into such a point of strength and grace?
It has been really nice. I know she enjoys it. Anytime you go through a challenge and are able to transform it into a positive aspect of others lives I believe it is the ultimate blessing you can receive. Amber has done this. She has put her heart and soul into a blog, website, communicating with others, and constantly trying to reach out and help others. It is very commendable. I love her for it. It feels really good to know that she wants to help others. She took the situation, transformed it, and is giving it back to God by helping others. It’s the only way to live.
Did PPD affect your marriage? If so, how?
Yes, in many ways. It has changed our plans for future children (we had previously wanted a larger family.) We had to change our schedules and had to change the dynamics of our child-rearing than we had previously planned. You see, Amber and I had initially thought about having several children, however when she went through such a severe PPMD it really changed her desire and made her feel as if she could never handle more than one child, as she could barely physically and emotionally handle this one. As she had continued to get better, I believe her opinion continues to change slightly. For the first 3 or 4 months I had to do the lion’s share of the night-time wakings, because she needed to rest. At first I think I resented her for it, but now I think it helped me to build an irreplaceable bond with my son. While it was difficult at the time, I am very much thankful for the opportunity to do that because the benefits clearly outweigh the sacrifice I made. Hey, whats a few hours sleep for a guy who gets up at 4:30am anyways? I think as a result we take specific time in our day to better ourselves- praying together, reading and discussing books together, etc. We truly want each other to grow and develop everyday as individuals and parents. We are much more committed to each other. Not just to having our marriage be ok or something we endure, but to flourish. It also changed how we now interact. We have a different relationship. It’s much stronger.
Fathers need to remember not to lose themselves in the process of parenting. What is it that you do to just hang out and be a “guy”?
Jiu Jitsu. I train. For me, jiu jitsu offers me the opportunity to escape. Going to the gym is similar, but jiu jitsu provides me the one on one competition that drives me to do better every day. I think one of the reasons I like it so much is that I wrestled as a child. I always enjoyed wrestling and jiu jitsu is similar, but you wear a gi instead and the object is to submit an opponent vs. pin them. Outside of that, I really like to watch football. College, NFL, it doesn’t matter! My wife will watch “our teams,” but can’t understand at all why I would watch other games. For me, this is how I relax…sitting on the couch or in my chair, with a cold beer Sweetwater 420 (shameless local beer plug!) in my hand. That’s my release.
3 things that made me laugh…
Telling others a story about how a rock hit my windshield.
My son saying “mango” as one of his first words.
Remembering when my wife saw a coyote walking down the middle of our street when she had PPD. I asked her if it was real. She replied, “I am crazy, but not THAT crazy!” The next day we got a notice about a neighborhood coyote spotting. 🙂
What do you find the most and least challenging about fatherhood?
Having patience with my son has been challenging. I sell things…I am a salesman. I have absolutely NO patience for anything and I don’t care to. For me, patience was not important at all. But now, with my son, I start to realize that there are times where it is needed. I think that because my love for him is so strong I am able to be more patient and give him the attention that he needs.
I think just having fun with my son comes easily and naturally to me. Ball, guitar, piano, wrestling, etc. If there is one thing that I know how to do, it’s how to have fun! I have spent my whole life enjoying every moment. Get the fullest out of life. I want to look back and say I wouldn’t have done anything differently. It’s the only way to live.
Amber’s PPD Support means…
Alot to me because it means a lot to her. I think it is important to her. It helps her grow as a person and move past this terrible part of her life that occurred.
Advice…
This is REAL. It can happen to anyone. Don’t feel badly. Don’t try to hide it. Don’t ignore it. Seek professional help right away. Be more proactive in finding out how your spouse is feeling postpartum. Ask her- Are you feeling overwhelmed? Are you feeling depressed? Can we go for a walk and talk? Observe her. Is she getting enough rest? She is human, too. She needs more than 2 hours of sleep a day. Is she getting it? You are much better off taking the necessary time off in the beginning to try to avoid a PPMD getting worse than to let it evolve untreated. It will get worse before better. In closing you’ll note that in the beginning it may be harder to detect, but easier to cure. While left untreated, it will become VERY apparent and much more difficult to cure. My suggestion is to be proactive. It really can happen to your family.
This morning at the Great Dad blog, there’s a post about Knowing more about Postpartum Depression in men. The blog is an offshoot of the Great Dad website, a site dedicated to all things dad. Check both of them out!
“Why is my wife obsessively checking on the baby? Is this normal?”
“I’ve been rude to my wife a lot lately. Could this have something to do with our new baby? Am I the one with depression?”
“What can I do to better support my wife as she recovers from her Postpartum Mood Disorder?”
Answers to these questions via more support coming your way, guys!
Postpartum Support International, already offering weekly tele-chats for women on Wednesdays, will be adding tele-chats for men starting February 23 at 630pm PT (meaning 930p for those of you on the East Coast). Get out your Palm or Blackberry and put it on your calendar now!
These chats are a great place to get information, find compassionate support, and connect with other dads as well as trained mental health professionals. You can remain anonymous on the call, you do not have to register, and even better – it’s FREE!
The first call will be moderated by Dr. Will Courtenay who is wonderfully insightful and compassionate (I know, I’ve spoken with him personally!). Please make sure to take advantage of this wonderful new resource and spread the word!
by Lauren Hale
This past Thursday at 10pm ET, ABC’s Private Practice aired an episode that was to deal with Postpartum Depression. Impressively they even took the time to contact PSI and worked with the Public Relations Chairperson, Katherine Stone, on the development of a PSA to air after the programming. Many of us in the PPD advocacy community were excited about this and sincerely hoped it signaled progress and responsibility by Hollywood to finally get their homework done and represent Postpartum Mood Disorders in the right light.
We were sadly left with egg on our faces and broken and furiously beating hearts yet again.
The Mom struggling with a Mood Disorder entered the show early on and presented with manic/anxiety symptoms. She had brought her baby in because the infant had “slipped” under the water while being given a bath. Picking up on her anxiety and exhaustion, Cooper took the mom to talk with Violet, who seemingly pawned the Mom off on Pete for some acupuncture to treat her exhaustion. Pete notices the Mom is beyond the need for acupuncture and in need of some serious psychiatric care. He returns to Violet who fesses up she was suspecting Psychosis. Pete was sarcastically grateful for having shared this info with him.
Meanwhile Mom (who, by the way seemingly has been left alone – another HUGE no-no for a mom with true psychosis!) has a panicked scene in which she thinks she hears the baby crying (turns out she is) then proceeds (with acupuncture needles sticking out of her face) to confess that she purposely held her infant under water after she slipped, thinking that no one would know for a few hours and she could get some sleep.
Enter Dad.
How could he have missed his wife’s symptoms? Riddled with guilt and confusion, he has his wife admitted to the local hospital for care.
This is where I need to point out that it is not horribly uncommon for Dad to miss Mom’s symptoms and does not make Dad a bad person for not being clued in. Women are great at hiding how we really feel. Why? Because that’s what you DO! You put on this act to fool everyone into believing everything is ok because you know what you’re supposed to be doing. I did this the first time around – even to the point of fooling my OB into not diagnosing me (huge mistake).
I know when I was struggling the first time around I didn’t tell my husband much until right before I needed to be seen. By then I had already been having some serious Intrusive Thoughts (these are fleeting negative thoughts typically had by Moms with Postpartum OCD) that led me to hide knives and go on a news black out. I wondered what happened if someone got stabbed. What does that look like? Is there really a lot of blood like in the movies? I feared quite often my daughter would be dead when I went to get her up to nurse and was quite often surprised that she was still breathing and alive. My husband didn’t know most of this until nearly three years later – after I was an advocate and had spiraled down so far after our second child I landed in a psychiatric ward.
Dads – please do not blame yourself if your wife develops a Postpartum Mood Disorder and you don’t notice the symptoms right off the bat. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME AND SHE WILL BE WELL.
There are signs and symptoms to be on the lookout for though but these are not always a guarantee of a PMD. A PMD should always be diagnosed and treated by a professional, preferably a team including a Psychiatrist, Psychologist or Therapist, a Pediatrician (for baby), and also a Lactation Consultant if Mom is nursing. It’s hard to get this team together and communicating but these are the professionals that need to be consulted.
Be sure to give your wife at least a couple of weeks to get her hormones back in order. If she develops new symptoms or her symptoms increase in intensity, it’s time to get her to the doctor. Familiarize yourself with the emergency signs of Psychosis. While rare and occurring in 1 to 2 births per 1000, it is the deadliest of the Postpartum Mood Disorders and carries a 5% suicide and infanticide rate. Onset is fast, guys. Psychosis can set in within 24-72 hours, sometimes immediately after birth, sometimes within the first couple of months. Also, 50% first time moms above the age of 35 with no history of mental illness are more likely to develop Psychosis than other moms.
I’ve digressed long enough.
None of this information was in the show. None of it is at the Private Practice site. None of this! Were we mentioned as support for fathers? Nope. Was David Klinker, the Postpartum Support International’s Coordinator for Fathers mentioned as a source of Support or information support? Nope. How about Will Courtenay, the Men’s PSI Coordinator? Nope. And for the record, ALL of contact information for the above support is blatantly available at the PSI website.
Shame on ABC for such an idiotic portrayal of a father. Shame on ABC for not explaining that it’s actually pretty normal for a father not to notice his wife’s symptoms and not addressing the issue. SHAME ON ABC.
Let’s send ABC a message. Stop watching Private Practice (or at least get your wife to). Get your friends to stop watching. Make the numbers go down. Decrease the marketability of the show. We all know what happens when people stop watching shows. They pull the plug. So I’m asking – help pull the plug on ABC’s Private Practice. Don’t support a show that pretends to do their homework then presents a completely different picture when the spotlight finds them. We deserve better.
photo from flickr
“Who is the happiest of men? He who values the merits of others, and in their pleasure takes joy, even as though t’were his own.”
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe~
Postpartum Dads Project 