You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘Postpartum Mood Disorder’ tag.
It’s dark. You are both collapsed into heaps, this time, you managed to make it to bed. You sigh, close your yes and mutter goodnight into your pillow.
It’s 234 a.m., your wife notes.
“Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
You lift your head and glare at the clock.
It’s 315 a.m.
You shove your face back into your pillow and silently scream.
Really? 46 minutes?
Sighing, you get out of bed to get the baby. Check the diaper. A little wet so you change it. Rock, sing, soothe. Nothing works.
Time to get mommy. She’s got the food.
You walk into the bedroom to wake her up. She sighs, shifts, and snuggles closer to the bed. When you do manage to wake her up, she snaps at you.
“But I JUST nursed! Did you check the diaper? Try to put him back down? I’m tired. I don’t want to…. ”
“Yes. Gimme a little credit. I’m not an idiot. I’ve tried everything. Clearly he’s hungry. You’re nursing so…”
“Dammit. I’ll be there in a minute.” She snuggles back into the bed.
You sigh, loudly, frustrated, knowing it will be a good 30 minutes before she even attempts to get out of bed. She will fall back asleep and you will have this conversation all over again before she finally gets out of bed, cursing you under her breath for interrupting her sleep.
She won’t mean it. She’s exhausted, just like you. And yes, you have work in the morning and should be sleeping but she won’t get to sleep much during the day either. Oh, she may rest, but it won’t be restorative. She’ll nod off while nursing, try to snooze when the baby does, but if the baby is up, she is up. And then there are chores. Dishes. Laundry. Cleaning. Cooking. Possibly other children to care for. Errands. Her job? Never.friggin.ends.
Your job never ends either. It’s hard for her to see that though. What SHE sees is you, walking out the front door toward other adults. Toward freedom. Toward conversation that involves more than a few garbled syllabic words at a time. What SHE sees is you, showered, shaved, dressed in something other than the same pajamas she’s now lived in for two weeks. What SHE feels is jealousy, hatred, sadness, grief. For the most part she knows it’s not rational. Somewhere, deep down, she tries hard not to feel this way. But she’s been moody for weeks now. Snapping at you for the simplest comment or action.
You bring home dinner. It’s not what she wanted but she loudly sighs and announces “It’ll have to do.” You pick up the baby and she watches your every move with him like a hawk, waiting for you to falter. You begin to falter yourself. Are you built for fatherhood? Are you doing things wrong? What if you’re screwing up your kid for life at just 3 months old? What if she never lets you really be a father? How will you ever learn what to do? Will your marriage survive? Where the hell are you?
What she doesn’t know is that as you walk out the front door every morning, your heart hurts. YOU are filled with jealousy because she gets to enjoy every moment with your son. She gets to watch him grow, change, and do new things every day. You mourn your fatherhood as you shower, dress for work. You fumble under her judgmental stares, worrying that your fathering skills are not up to par with her expectations. You’ve asked a million times but you can’t for the life of you get her to tell you what her expectations are for you as a father. What are the rules to this ball game? If you only knew, life would be so much easier. After all, you’re not a mind reader.
___________________________
Today’s Just Talking Tuesday is cross-posted with My Postpartum Voice. If you’re a mom, please share here what you wish your husband had known about Postpartum Mood Disorders and parenting. What would have best helped you when you were suffering? If you’re a dad, share over at My Postpartum Voice. What got you and your wife through those dark days? How did you keep communication open if you managed to do so?
Social support is key for recovery from a Postpartum Mood Disorder. The best social support starts at home with your partner. Get them involved and you’ve zoomed forward a zillion spaces on your recovery path.
Let’s get to just talking.
by Lauren Hale
This past Thursday at 10pm ET, ABC’s Private Practice aired an episode that was to deal with Postpartum Depression. Impressively they even took the time to contact PSI and worked with the Public Relations Chairperson, Katherine Stone, on the development of a PSA to air after the programming. Many of us in the PPD advocacy community were excited about this and sincerely hoped it signaled progress and responsibility by Hollywood to finally get their homework done and represent Postpartum Mood Disorders in the right light.
We were sadly left with egg on our faces and broken and furiously beating hearts yet again.
The Mom struggling with a Mood Disorder entered the show early on and presented with manic/anxiety symptoms. She had brought her baby in because the infant had “slipped” under the water while being given a bath. Picking up on her anxiety and exhaustion, Cooper took the mom to talk with Violet, who seemingly pawned the Mom off on Pete for some acupuncture to treat her exhaustion. Pete notices the Mom is beyond the need for acupuncture and in need of some serious psychiatric care. He returns to Violet who fesses up she was suspecting Psychosis. Pete was sarcastically grateful for having shared this info with him.
Meanwhile Mom (who, by the way seemingly has been left alone – another HUGE no-no for a mom with true psychosis!) has a panicked scene in which she thinks she hears the baby crying (turns out she is) then proceeds (with acupuncture needles sticking out of her face) to confess that she purposely held her infant under water after she slipped, thinking that no one would know for a few hours and she could get some sleep.
Enter Dad.
How could he have missed his wife’s symptoms? Riddled with guilt and confusion, he has his wife admitted to the local hospital for care.
This is where I need to point out that it is not horribly uncommon for Dad to miss Mom’s symptoms and does not make Dad a bad person for not being clued in. Women are great at hiding how we really feel. Why? Because that’s what you DO! You put on this act to fool everyone into believing everything is ok because you know what you’re supposed to be doing. I did this the first time around – even to the point of fooling my OB into not diagnosing me (huge mistake).
I know when I was struggling the first time around I didn’t tell my husband much until right before I needed to be seen. By then I had already been having some serious Intrusive Thoughts (these are fleeting negative thoughts typically had by Moms with Postpartum OCD) that led me to hide knives and go on a news black out. I wondered what happened if someone got stabbed. What does that look like? Is there really a lot of blood like in the movies? I feared quite often my daughter would be dead when I went to get her up to nurse and was quite often surprised that she was still breathing and alive. My husband didn’t know most of this until nearly three years later – after I was an advocate and had spiraled down so far after our second child I landed in a psychiatric ward.
Dads – please do not blame yourself if your wife develops a Postpartum Mood Disorder and you don’t notice the symptoms right off the bat. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME AND SHE WILL BE WELL.
There are signs and symptoms to be on the lookout for though but these are not always a guarantee of a PMD. A PMD should always be diagnosed and treated by a professional, preferably a team including a Psychiatrist, Psychologist or Therapist, a Pediatrician (for baby), and also a Lactation Consultant if Mom is nursing. It’s hard to get this team together and communicating but these are the professionals that need to be consulted.
Be sure to give your wife at least a couple of weeks to get her hormones back in order. If she develops new symptoms or her symptoms increase in intensity, it’s time to get her to the doctor. Familiarize yourself with the emergency signs of Psychosis. While rare and occurring in 1 to 2 births per 1000, it is the deadliest of the Postpartum Mood Disorders and carries a 5% suicide and infanticide rate. Onset is fast, guys. Psychosis can set in within 24-72 hours, sometimes immediately after birth, sometimes within the first couple of months. Also, 50% first time moms above the age of 35 with no history of mental illness are more likely to develop Psychosis than other moms.
I’ve digressed long enough.
None of this information was in the show. None of it is at the Private Practice site. None of this! Were we mentioned as support for fathers? Nope. Was David Klinker, the Postpartum Support International’s Coordinator for Fathers mentioned as a source of Support or information support? Nope. How about Will Courtenay, the Men’s PSI Coordinator? Nope. And for the record, ALL of contact information for the above support is blatantly available at the PSI website.
Shame on ABC for such an idiotic portrayal of a father. Shame on ABC for not explaining that it’s actually pretty normal for a father not to notice his wife’s symptoms and not addressing the issue. SHAME ON ABC.
Let’s send ABC a message. Stop watching Private Practice (or at least get your wife to). Get your friends to stop watching. Make the numbers go down. Decrease the marketability of the show. We all know what happens when people stop watching shows. They pull the plug. So I’m asking – help pull the plug on ABC’s Private Practice. Don’t support a show that pretends to do their homework then presents a completely different picture when the spotlight finds them. We deserve better.
Dr. Peter Gray over at the UNLV Anthropology Department is conducting a study examining Paternal Behavior and Health. The study will examine the health and well-being of fathers of young children and their perceptions of maternal psychiatric complications.
According to the project’s consent form page, you are eligible to participate in this study if you are a father between the ages of 18-40 years and have children between the ages of 0-4 years. In contact via email, Dr. Gray stated he expects the study to continue through at least this spring.
Recruitment for this study has been concluded; data analysis has begun. Results are anticipated this fall.
Photo by Jacob Johan (courtesy of flickr)
As if coping with a Postpartum Mood Disorder or Paternal Postntal Depression isn’t enough, now you’ve got an older toddler who knows just enough to perceive the new creature in the house as a threat to their precious time with Mommy or Daddy but not enough to deal with it in a positive manner. How do you handle this new development? With lots of love, attention, and involvement.
Make sure your older child knows how much he/she is loved. Don’t just tell them though, show them. Kids are big on actions over words. (Shouldn’t we all be, though?) This is where the attention and involvment come into play.
Set aside at least a minimum of 10 minutes every few hours to spend exclusively with your older child. Allow them to pick the activity and focus on them during this time.
Prepare a special box with new and special activities or toys they are only to use while baby is feeding. After baby’s done feeding, they have to put the box away. This helps them to look forward to the time that baby will have to monopolize mommy or daddy’s time instead of perceiving it as time that is “stolen” from them.
Ask that family members acknowledge your oldest before the baby no matter how tempted they may be to go straight to the baby. The baby has no conception of the attention being paid or not paid to them. Your oldest child however, does.
All of this is even further complicated if there is a Postpartum Mood Disorder or Paternal Postntal Depression present. If that is the case, try to emphasise to your oldest that your behavior (or your spouse’s behavior) is absolutely not their fault and that Mommy or Daddy will be well soon. Let them know that this is something that happens to a lot of Mommy or Daddies after a new baby comes into the family and does go away. Use age-appropriate language such as “Mommy’s sad today” or “Daddy’s not happy,” etc. Encourage their involvement in recovery by letting them know what they can do to help. They can give hugs, kisses, tickles, make cards or art, smile, play quietly, help with baby by getting diapers, burp cloths, etc. Children simply want to help and learn about the world around them. Both of our older daughters loved to give Cameron his bottle or feed him his baby food. Both required supervision but it was nice not to have to do it myself. Engaging the entire family in the recovery of the ill parent(s) can speed recovery as the affected parent will feel supported and loved and is more likely to return to themselves faster than those who do not have family support.
For more information about dealing with a jealous older child, including a list of books to read for yourself and to your child, please visit The University of Michigan Health System Your Child page.
Postpartum Dads Project 