PSI/Marce Conference Dads Session: Have a Question?

I am currently sitting in at the Dads Session at the PSI/Marce Conference. If you have a question or would like to share something, please let me know! I’ll try to ask.

Here’s the overview of what will be presented during this session:

 

Fathers and Pregnancy Outcome

Chair= Dawn Misra, PhD

 

1:30–2:15 SPECIAL LECTURE: Biopsychosocial Contributions of Fathers to Pregnancy

Outcome — Dawn Misra PhD

 

2:15 – 2:40  Baby’s Father’s Place and Care within Inpatient Mother-Baby Units

— Nine Glangeaud, PhD

 

2:40 – 3:00 Comedy videos on perinatal mental health disorders, specifically designed for

men   — Vivienne J. Hanley, PhD

BREAK 3:00 to 3:30

3:30 to 5:00 Harvesting the Potential of Perinatal Mental Health Knowledge:

New Data about Fathers   (Symposium, Chair= Barbara Figueiredo, PhD)

Psychological and marital adjustment of twins’ fathers conceived

naturally versus by assisted reproduction treatment — Iva Tendais, MPH

Father’s emotional involvement with the neonate: impact of childbirth

experience — Sonia Brandao, MD

Father’s Postpartum Depression: A longitudinal study from early pregnancy to 3-month

postpartum — Barbara Figueiredo, PhD

Fathers’ Cortisol Levels during Pregnancy and the Postpartum Period
–Ana Conde, PhD

Father’s Attachment Style and Psychological Adjustment during Pregnancy and the

Postpartum period  — Ana Conde, PhD

Through the eyes of another

It’s dark. You are both collapsed into heaps, this time, you managed to make it to bed. You sigh, close your yes and mutter goodnight into your pillow.

It’s 234 a.m., your wife notes.

“Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

You lift your head and glare at the clock.

It’s 315 a.m.

You shove your face back into your pillow and silently scream.

Really? 46 minutes?

Sighing, you get out of bed to get the baby. Check the diaper. A little wet so you change it. Rock, sing, soothe. Nothing works.

Time to get mommy. She’s got the food.

You walk into the bedroom to wake her up. She sighs, shifts, and snuggles closer to the bed. When you do manage to wake her up, she snaps at you.

“But I JUST nursed! Did you check the diaper? Try to put him back down? I’m tired. I don’t want to…. ”

“Yes. Gimme a little credit. I’m not an idiot. I’ve tried everything. Clearly he’s hungry. You’re nursing so…”

“Dammit. I’ll be there in a minute.” She snuggles back into the bed.

You sigh, loudly, frustrated, knowing it will be a good 30 minutes before she even attempts to get out of bed. She will fall back asleep and you will have this conversation all over again before she finally gets out of bed, cursing you under her breath for interrupting her sleep.

She won’t mean it. She’s exhausted, just like you. And yes, you have work in the morning and should be sleeping but she won’t get to sleep much during the day either. Oh, she may rest, but it won’t be restorative. She’ll nod off while nursing, try to snooze when the baby does, but if the baby is up, she is up. And then there are chores. Dishes. Laundry. Cleaning. Cooking. Possibly other children to care for. Errands. Her job? Never.friggin.ends.

Your job never ends either. It’s hard for her to see that though. What SHE sees is you, walking out the front door toward other adults. Toward freedom. Toward conversation that involves more than a few garbled syllabic words at a time. What SHE sees is you, showered, shaved, dressed in something other than the same pajamas she’s now lived in for two weeks. What SHE feels is jealousy, hatred, sadness, grief. For the most part she knows it’s not rational. Somewhere, deep down, she tries hard not to feel this way. But she’s been moody for weeks now. Snapping at you for the simplest comment or action.

You bring home dinner. It’s not what she wanted but she loudly sighs and announces “It’ll have to do.” You pick up the baby and she watches your every move with him like a hawk, waiting for you to falter. You begin to falter yourself. Are you built for fatherhood? Are you doing things wrong? What if you’re screwing up your kid for life at just 3 months old? What if she never lets you really be a father? How will you ever learn what to do? Will your marriage survive? Where the hell are you?

What she doesn’t know is that as you walk out the front door every morning, your heart hurts. YOU are filled with jealousy because she gets to enjoy every moment with your son. She gets to watch him grow, change, and do new things every day. You mourn your fatherhood as you shower, dress for work. You fumble under her judgmental stares, worrying that your fathering skills are not up to par with her expectations. You’ve asked  a million times but you can’t for the life of you get her to tell you what her expectations are for you as a father. What are the rules to this ball game? If you only knew, life would be so much easier. After all, you’re not a mind reader.

___________________________

Today’s Just Talking Tuesday is cross-posted with My Postpartum Voice. If you’re a mom, please share here what you wish your husband had known about Postpartum Mood Disorders and parenting. What would have best helped you when you were suffering? If you’re a dad, share over at My Postpartum Voice. What got you and your wife through those dark days? How did you keep communication open if you managed to do so?

Social support is key for recovery from a Postpartum Mood Disorder. The best social support starts at home with your partner. Get them involved and you’ve zoomed forward a zillion spaces on your recovery path.

Let’s get to just talking.

DadLabs video discusses Postpartum Depression

The awesome dads over at DadLabs have put together a great video about Postpartum Depression.

Not only do they interview a knowledgeable therapist, but they also take time out to acknowledge the recent study published in JAMA about dads experiencing Postpartum Depression.

Please go check it out for some great information about Postpartum Depression.

An Open Letter to non-believers in Paternal Postnatal Depression

Dear Non-Believers:

This past week you have frantically scurried about the Internet from website to website, trolling and tweeting reactions to each story in regards to Dr. James F. Paulson’s study about Paternal Prenatal and Postnatal Depression. The Wall-Street Journal, CNN, The NY Times, you name it, you have been there to broadcast your point of view. And praise God we live in a country in which we can do so without fear of persecution!

You have been discursive, doltish, dismissive, disrespectful, and disheartening. Your dedication to refuting this news is mind-numbingly astounding. The diversity of the comments has been absolutely amazing. It is mind-boggling how truly open-minded the internet has made you. You are passionate about episiotomies and woman giving birth vaginally. You know everything there is to know about hormones and their relation to Postpartum Depression for women. And clearly you know more than the researchers because according to you, the cause of Paternal Postnatal Depression is due to sleep deprivation, lack of sexual gratification from a woman who’s just given birth, and jealousy of all the attention showered on the new baby.

Parenthood is tough. Get over it, you have so sagely said over and over again in a myriad of ways to all the depressed dads out there. I bet you know at least 10 dads. Well guess what? At least one of them is depressed. Can you tell who? I am willing to guess no, no you cannot. Do you want to apologize to him for whatever it was that you said at the CNN website? No?

Let me apologize for you. And then let me say something very important to you for him.

I forgive you.

I.forgive.YOU.

Because one day you may be the one person who finds themselves in the arena staring down a big bad ass bull named Depression. And guess what? That bull doesn’t just politely knock on your door, shrug it’s shoulders when you say it’s not a good time. No, no no, that bull is a bit more like a SWAT team with a battering ram. He’s coming into your life whether you like it or not. And his ass is staying. You’ll be lucky if you have anything left standing by the time he’s done with your place. And I can guarantee you won’t appreciate the renovation. It’s loud. Deafening. Especially at 2am when you so desperately want to be asleep but instead you are up bawling your eyes out with Junior who is convinced it is time to play with his jungle gym mat. There is no greater sense of loneliness anywhere on the planet than to be a depressed parent. NONE! Everything you thought you were, thought you held dear, thought you could once be – gone. Broken into pieces so tiny it will be impossible to rebuild. But somehow you will. Somehow you will pick yourself up off that damned floor (once the bull has left the building, that is), survey the wreckage and be forced to make a decision.

Will you let yourself shatter?

OR

Will you cling to the walls for support until you find a hand reaching out? Will you take that hand, take a deep breath and rebuild? Will you let the terror and fear fade? Will you be man enough to dig yourself out of this hell? Man enough to take care of yourself and want to BE there for your family? Man enough to walk away from the darkness now surrounding you and slowly creeping toward your family?

Well? Will you?

The kicker is that you will not know the answer to these questions until your Bull comes bursting into your life.

May you never meet him.

But in the meantime, do not judge those of us who have. For we, WE have fought the good fight. We have been through hell. We have pulled ourselves through it. Some of us lost our battle. But those of us who are still here have learned valuable lessons we want to pass on to other fathers. We want to share. We want to speak up. We do not muzzle ourselves because of ignorance, mis-information, and judgment.

We deserve to be heard. We deserve compassion. We deserve not to be called “girly men” because we had depression and cried.

Because it’s okay for a man to cry. It’s okay for a man to seek help. It’s okay. It’s OKAY.

Being a man isn’t all about swilling beer, football, hockey, basketball or any other kind of ball.

Once you have a family, it’s about taking care of them. And in order to take good care of your family, you must first take good care of yourself no matter what the cost.

Being a father means being present. It means reading to your kids, it means playing with your kids, it means providing companionship and love to your wife, and contributing overall to caring for the household. You cannot do any of those things if you are depressed and choose not to seek help.

When you judge a man for depression you drive a stake between he and his family. When you judge a man for crying, you cut off a source of release for him. When you judge a man for seeking therapy, you might as well be writing him off altogether.

Please, don’t judge.

I dare you to care. I dare you to ask how that new dad in your life is feeling. Ask if he’s overwhelmed. Ask how you can help. Not when, not let me know – but how. And then follow through. Be present. Encourage self-care. Support new families. It doesn’t take much.

In fact, if everyone would pour as much energy into supporting new parents as they did tearing them down for feeling down, I think we might have a fighting chance at beating this.

Warmest,

Lauren Hale

Postpartum OCD Survivor (2X)

Wife to a Paternal Postnatal Depression Survivor

Postpartum Advocate & Peer Supporter

More than 1 in 10 new dads struggle with depression says new JAMA study

The May 19, 2010 edition of the Journal of American Medical Association will include research from Dr. James F. Paulson, Ph.D of Eastern Virginia Medical School examining the rates of Paternal Prenatal and Postnatal depression and it’s correlation with Maternal Depression.

After researching 43 studies involving over 28,000 participants fitting their parameters, Dr. James F. Paulson and associate researcher Sharnail D. Bazemore, MS, drew the conclusion that more than 1 in 10 new dads struggle with depression within 3 to 6 months of becoming a father. Interestingly, Paulson and Bazemore included studies examining depression in fathers as early as the first trimester of a pregnancy of a partner. The studies spanned from 1980 to 2009, nearly 20 years of research.

Prenatal and Postnatal Depression was determined to be present in 10% of the cases studied. Postnatal depression spiked between a 3-6 month period and seemed to correlate with a maternal experience of Postnatal Depression

Other mentions of this research across the web today include:

Joel Schwartzberg @ Huffington Post : Postpartum Depression in Men: One Dad’s Story

Joanne Silberner with NPR: Study Finds Dads Suffer Postpartum Depression, Too (There will also be an on-air version tonight on the program All Things Considered. Audio will be available at 7pm ET or shortly thereafter)

Megan Brooks with Reuters: Dads get postpartum depression too: study

Good Morning America Segment via ABC: Postpartum Depression for New Fathers

Depression in men surrounding pregnancy and infancy is rarely discussed. But if the numbers for this research proves to be right, the rate at which these dads are struggling is higher than those of women with depression. While the basis may not be biological as recent research with maternal depression is proving, there is indeed something going on with new dads that needs further exploring.

Perhaps most notable of this research is that Dr. Paulson is an associate professor in Pediatrics. I applaud Dr. Paulson for recognizing the importance of Parental Depression in the lives of our children and hope more pediatric specialists including practitioners and researchers alike would become more involved in helping parents struggling with depression heal.

If you or a new father you love may be struggling with depression during the pregnancy of or the birth of your child, there is help. Dr. William Courtenay runs the Postpartum Men website. There you can find information on symptoms, resources, and a message board to connect with other struggling dads. There is no shame in speaking up. You owe it to yourself, to your child, to your family. You are not alone.

Have you read your postpartum wife’s mind lately?

Postpartum Mood Disorders are pesky at the least. If you don’t squash them early by seeking help and creating a positive place where you can relax and fall down, a Postpartum Mood Disorder will turn into a full blown nasty monster. And then you’ll have to use the tranquilizer darts and quite frankly, that hurts.

You are probably here because your wife hasn’t seemed to be quite right since giving birth. Or maybe you’re struggling with some emotional issues and aren’t quite sure where to turn.

First, thank you for seeking help and information in regards to whatever situation you’re in at the moment!

Second, make sure you get yourself in touch with your local Postpartum Support International Coordinator. Even if you’re a guy. Trust me, they’ve got a coordinator for that.

One key thing I want to note here in regards to a Postpartum Mood Disorder is that it’s a real damper on communication. When I was struggling through Postpartum OCD, I expected my husband to read my mind. Yeap. Nevermind that he had not attended Houdini’s School of Telepathy or couldn’t even manage to get something as simple as a napkin to float in the air, he was fully and suddenly expected to know my every thought, need, and behave accordingly. So when he left baby with me instead of pitching in when I torpedoed the request repeatedly at his brain, I got pissed. When he didn’t pick up on the slack in the housework despite me clearly leaving a post-it note on his frontal lobe, I got pissed. You see where I’m going with this?

He never asked what I needed help with. He assumed I would open my mouth and let him know what I needed. Except that for some reason childbirth and Postpartum OCD made that a whole lot harder to do. So I didn’t. And he didn’t. And suddenly there we were, rushing toward Niagra Falls in a wooden barrel.

Communication is key to getting things back on track. Helping out with chores like cooking, cleaning, childcare is imperative. I call this the 3 C method. Ask if she needs help with any of them and you’ll be getting some serious brownie points.

Don’t understand Postpartum Mood Disorders or what’s going on with your wife specifically? Go to the doctor appointments with her. Ask questions. An involved, pro-active spouse is going to get his wife back a lot faster than one who is not involved and is judgmental about what she is currently experiencing. She cannot snap out of her depression. It will take time, it will take work, and it will take dedication.

But the more you ask, the more you do, the more of a routine helping each other out will become in your marriage. She may not thank you at first but trust me, she’ll feel it in her heart. And one day, when she’s well enough, she will say thank you even though those words will never be enough to express how appreciative she is that you dared to jump into the ditch with her.

A fresh perspective

First, apologies for not keeping this project up as I had originally hoped. I could list a bunch of excuses but I won’t. I take full responsibility for not updating regularly and not providing the support envisioned at the onset. I’m deeply sorry for not being here for those in need. I hope you’ll forgive me.

That said, I have been doing some very deep thinking about this project over the past few weeks. And I’ve drawn a conclusion. Not literally, mind you – there’s not a napkin somewhere with scribbles on it. Anymore.

I think one of the biggest reasons I did not update as often as I should have here was because I was intimidated. Sure, I grew up in a family of guys and have always related to guys more than girls but to start a support project and have the pressure of having to relate to men in that way was way more intense than I expected. I stayed away because I was scared of saying the wrong thing or not relating to someone in pain or need.

It hit me the other day that I don’t have to pretend to be someone I am not here because what I am is a mom who has survived Postpartum Depression twice and hospitalization for Postpartum Depression once. I’ve experienced depression while pregnant. I’m a mom who has helped numerous families over the past four years get through precisely what you’re facing now. I’m aware of the resources, the signs, the symptoms, the issues surrounding Postpartum Mood Disorders. I know first hand the chaos it can bring to a marriage and to a family. And it’s not fun to go at it alone.

So here I am, just a mom, totally and 100% available to you as support during your struggles with a Postpartum Mood Disorder. Have a question? Ask it. I’ll answer it or get you in touch with someone who can. Need help? I’m your gal.

I won’t be able to read your mind or your wife’s mind. I can’t explain behavior, I can’t diagnose and I cannot recommend one medication or course of treatment over the other. You have to do what is best for you and your situation. And obviously, you’ll want to seek professional help if you even think there’s a possibility of Postpartum Mood Disorders.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be making a concerted effort to publish more often here about topics you need to hear about. Things like therapy options, the differences between the various postpartum mood disorders, how to best help your wife, how to keep caregiver burnout at bay, and anything else for which you may need answers.

I look forward to connecting with you and creating a community of support.

Warmest,

Lauren

Discovery Health: Postpartum Nightmares airs tonight (March 2nd)

This week is Baby Week over at Discovery Health. Tonight they will be dealing with Postpartum Mood Disorders.

I had a chance to preview the documentary over the weekend via my other blog, Sharing the Journey.

Overall, it was one of the most informative programs I’ve seen on mainstream television regarding postpartum mood disorders. I almost did not watch the entire show as the descriptions of postpartum mood disorders by the moms are accompanied by some pretty intense footage. Footage so intense, in fact, that I do not feel comfortable recommending that a struggling or newly recovered mother watch the program. If I could get the audio of just the narration to a new/struggling mom, I would do so in a heartbeat. But I would be hesitant in handing over film.

If you have plans to watch the program tonight or have watched the program and have questions, concerns, or need to locate resources near you, please do not hesitate to connect with me via Twitter (username unxpctdblessing) or via email at ppdacceptance(@)gmail.com. If you email me, please be sure to note “Postpartum Nightmares” in your subject line.

The most important thing to know about Postpartum Mood Disorders is that you are indeed not alone, you are NOT to blame, and you will be well.

Click here to read my full reaction post over at Sharing the Journey. You will find resources and further information on many of the topics mentioned in the documentary there as well.

New: Tweet for Support!

image via twitterbuttons.com

Today, I started a new Twitter list after a previous Dad I’ve interviewed (@danscott77) asked me about PPD dads on Twitter. I realized I was not aware of any dads on Twitter who could offer support. And what better way to reach out to new dads than through Twitter. It’s concise, quick, and community based. (Click here to see the list. By the way, Dan’s awfully lonely there!)

If you’re on twitter, tweet me @unxpctdblessing to let me know you want to be added to the #postpartumdads list. There is an inactive Postpartum Dads Project Twitter account I’m holding off on using until I get a lap top that doesn’t crash at the mere thought of having to open TweetDeck or Seesmic. I’m hoping for new hardware in January or February so keep watching!

And if you’re not familiar with Twitter at all, I apologize for the Twitterese. Really, I do.

Shaken by stigma: A father’s tragic escape

This past week, the country of Germany mourned the death of footballer Robert Enke. Details were sketchy at first but as they emerged, the portrait of a man so shaken by the dark stigma of depression he felt he had nowhere to escape to but to the arms of death became tragically clear.

In 2003, Enke was first treated for depression. 2006 saw the loss of his natural daughter to a rare heart condition. Yet still he refused treatment even as the son of a sports psychologist, carrying knowledge with him that help was within arms reach. His wife even stepped in to help with transporting him to training. She rallied around him to help him heal as they journeyed forward after the death of their natural born daughter. Eventually they adopted another daughter. The adoption brought with it a common fear faced by many adoptive parents. Enke feared losing custody of their new child, spurring new excuses for Enke to remain silent. He could not bear the thought of losing yet another child.

Post Adoption Depression Syndrome (PADS) is not as uncommon as one would think. It is certainly not uncommon given the history Enke had behind him although any adoptive parent faces the risk of developing PADS after adoption. According “Post Adoption Depression – The Unacknowledged Hazard” by Harriet White McCarthy over at Adoption Article Directory, 65% of parents she polled admitted to experiencing Post Adoption Depression but sadly, only 8% of these same parents had even been told about the possibility of PADS. This leaves an unacceptable 58% gap of uninformed parents.

While not as severe as some of the Postpartum Mood Disorders birth parents may experience, PADS is not something to be ignored either. Contributing factors can be unexpected coping behaviors from children as a result of abandonment or neglect, lack of instant bonding, medical complications, language barriers and lack of not taking enough time to adjust to the adoption. Natural parents may typically take anywhere from two to six weeks to adjust to the birth of a child. Adoptive parents should take the same amount of time to help alleviate the stress of the life change as well as cope with the additional stress of any travel associated with their adoption. It is not natural to expect to pick up your child on a Saturday only to return to work on Monday. Time should be allowed for bonding and family development and in this author’s honest opinion, even more time should be allowed for adoptive parents.

One of the biggest barriers to treatment for Post Adoption Depression Syndrome is the fear of losing custody of the child for which these parents have fought so hard to push through. Essentially these are parents who have literally applied for the job and gone through several hoops while seeking approval. To admit depression is to admit failure – much as if someone were to apply for a job, get the phone call, go into work and realize they were in way over their head. In the corporate world that wouldn’t go over well.

In the footballer’s world, admission of failure either physical or mental is also a big blow. The fans in this sport are harsh and would tear a player apart if he weren’t the perfect picture of both mental and physical strength. Beyond the loss of his first daughter, his previous issues with depression and his fear of losing his second daughter because of his depression, Enke also carried the weight of portraying a perfectly strong man to the world outside his door. Tragically it turned out to be too much for him to handle on his own.

Men are expected to be indestructible pillars of strength and often doubly so once fatherhood zooms into the picture. It is okay to not know what you are doing. It is okay to ask for help. In fact, knowing when to ask for help is a sign of courage.

Enke’s suicide note indicated he had withheld information from his loved ones and caregivers during the last few weeks of his life so he could carry out his plan. If you or a loved one are thinking of suicide, please call a suicide hotline and talk to someone. If you think you may see signs of suicide in a loved one or even in yourself, click here for a list of signs. Remember, not all signs have to be present in order for suicide to be a possibility. Also be particularly watchful as a loved one begins to heal from depression. Often it is when they begin to improve that suicide occurs because they are finally well enough to carry out their plans. It is also important to note here that men are four times more likely to be successful with suicide attempts than women despite making less attempts, according to Dr. Thomas Insel over at Depression: Out of the Shadows Ask an Expert.

Whether it’s a Postpartum Mood Disorder, Post Adoption Depression Syndrome, Paternal Postnatal Depression or just regular depression, remember that there is hope. There is light. There is another way out. You deserve hope. You deserve light. You deserve to live all the days of your life to the fullest. Do not continue to suffer alone. Reach out for help. It’s only a question away.