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"Kauai Cliffs" by ingridz @ flickr.com
When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.
~Friedrich Nietzche~
"I've been tagged" by Christolakis @ flickr
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely…
~Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 – 1882)~
Colic. Every parent’s nightmare.
At the hospital, everything’s cool. Baby coos, you ahhh, nurses help.
But once you bring baby home and through that front door, you’re all on your own. Heaven help you once all hell breaks loose.
Baby’s screaming, your bladder is full, tummy is rumbling, the dog has to go outside NOW, the phone starts to ring, the UPS guy is dropping off a super-belated gift from Aunt Martha, and oh yeah, the cable guy is here because for some reason the cable isn’t working. And don’t forget dear little Tommy banging his plastic chiming hammer against the china cabinet while contemplating peeing in the floor along with the dog (who, by the way, is now barking up a storm at the UPS guy knocking on the door).
Once you get the UPS package inside intact, ignore the phone (that’s why you have voicemail, right?), take the dog AND Tommy outside to pee after strapping the still-screaming baby to your chest, you start to breathe again. Sort of.
Three hours later, baby’s still crying and you’re half-way to bald as you desperately google “How to make a baby stop crying.” Change the diaper. Check. Feed. Check. Burp. Check. Rock. Check. Sing. Check. CHECK CHECK CHECK!
A colicky baby is enough to make even the sanest of parents wish for a pair of Bose Silencing Headphones. But they’re the lucky ones. Yes, I said lucky ones.
You see, depressed parents are almost two times more likely to have a colicky baby than non-depressed parents. Hey – kinda like hitting the lottery, right? But wait – does the colic cause the depression? Nope. According to Mijke van den Berg, a child psychiatrist at Erasmus Medical Center in the Netherlands, the parents were screened for depression before birth.
So what’s the deal then?
Dr. van den Berg states that her study is not definitive and more information is needed to draw a firmer conclusion. But the conclusion to me doesn’t really seem fair to depressed dads. It lays on an even bigger guilt trip. Or perhaps this would serve as motivation to seek therapy if your wife gets pregnant – yanno – to avoid the whole unexplained screaming for more than three hours a day baby thing. Wouldn’t that be the chivalrous thing to do, especially if you’re the one working?
By the time baby gets here, moms and dads are already worn thin. Why on earth would we get a colicky baby to top things off? For fun?
Bottom line here folks, if you’re feeling gloomy, angry, irritated or upset and finding it’s interfering with your daily routine for more than a couple of weeks, please seek help. Talk to someone, anyone. Even if it’s a casual mention to your wife’s OB. He or she may be able to refer you to a trained professional. It’s not shameful to get help. It’s powerful. It’s the right thing to do…for you and for your kid.
A recent survey by the American Psychiatric Association has discovered that being a dad is a motivating factor in seeking help. As many as 90 percent of respondents indicating that their status as a father or legal guardian “would have an impact on their decision to seek help if they were depressed.”
While it is difficult to admit depression because it’s stigmatized as a sign of weakness, admitting there is a problem is the first step towards finding help and beginning recovery. Even though the stigma of depression has been slowly fading over the past few years, many of the respondents also admitted that it would be easier to talk about other health issues besides depression.
“It is encouraging to see that fathers are open to getting help and that some of the stigma surrounding men and depression is waning,” stated Jeffrey Borenstein, M.D., Chair of the Council on Communications at the American Psychiatric Association. “A father who takes care of himself is taking care of his whole family.”
Seeking out treatment and talking about your experience with depression can help tremendously with your family dynamic. You may even find yourself stronger for having gone through the experience. Don’t expect results overnight though. Depression is not something we can dismiss or carry out the front door and never see again. It takes time, patience, and sometimes it is very painful as we journey towards recovery. Also, don’t forget that once recovered there will be a slightly changed dynamic to your personality. As with any experience, your brush with depression will become part of you. It is up to you, though, to determine how it will integrate with your personality and daily life.
You can read the APA article about this survey (and even participate) by clicking here.
Postpartum Dads Project 