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Postpartum Mood Disorders are pesky at the least. If you don’t squash them early by seeking help and creating a positive place where you can relax and fall down, a Postpartum Mood Disorder will turn into a full blown nasty monster. And then you’ll have to use the tranquilizer darts and quite frankly, that hurts.
You are probably here because your wife hasn’t seemed to be quite right since giving birth. Or maybe you’re struggling with some emotional issues and aren’t quite sure where to turn.
First, thank you for seeking help and information in regards to whatever situation you’re in at the moment!
Second, make sure you get yourself in touch with your local Postpartum Support International Coordinator. Even if you’re a guy. Trust me, they’ve got a coordinator for that.
One key thing I want to note here in regards to a Postpartum Mood Disorder is that it’s a real damper on communication. When I was struggling through Postpartum OCD, I expected my husband to read my mind. Yeap. Nevermind that he had not attended Houdini’s School of Telepathy or couldn’t even manage to get something as simple as a napkin to float in the air, he was fully and suddenly expected to know my every thought, need, and behave accordingly. So when he left baby with me instead of pitching in when I torpedoed the request repeatedly at his brain, I got pissed. When he didn’t pick up on the slack in the housework despite me clearly leaving a post-it note on his frontal lobe, I got pissed. You see where I’m going with this?
He never asked what I needed help with. He assumed I would open my mouth and let him know what I needed. Except that for some reason childbirth and Postpartum OCD made that a whole lot harder to do. So I didn’t. And he didn’t. And suddenly there we were, rushing toward Niagra Falls in a wooden barrel.
Communication is key to getting things back on track. Helping out with chores like cooking, cleaning, childcare is imperative. I call this the 3 C method. Ask if she needs help with any of them and you’ll be getting some serious brownie points.
Don’t understand Postpartum Mood Disorders or what’s going on with your wife specifically? Go to the doctor appointments with her. Ask questions. An involved, pro-active spouse is going to get his wife back a lot faster than one who is not involved and is judgmental about what she is currently experiencing. She cannot snap out of her depression. It will take time, it will take work, and it will take dedication.
But the more you ask, the more you do, the more of a routine helping each other out will become in your marriage. She may not thank you at first but trust me, she’ll feel it in her heart. And one day, when she’s well enough, she will say thank you even though those words will never be enough to express how appreciative she is that you dared to jump into the ditch with her.
A recent survey by the American Psychiatric Association has discovered that being a dad is a motivating factor in seeking help. As many as 90 percent of respondents indicating that their status as a father or legal guardian “would have an impact on their decision to seek help if they were depressed.”
While it is difficult to admit depression because it’s stigmatized as a sign of weakness, admitting there is a problem is the first step towards finding help and beginning recovery. Even though the stigma of depression has been slowly fading over the past few years, many of the respondents also admitted that it would be easier to talk about other health issues besides depression.
“It is encouraging to see that fathers are open to getting help and that some of the stigma surrounding men and depression is waning,” stated Jeffrey Borenstein, M.D., Chair of the Council on Communications at the American Psychiatric Association. “A father who takes care of himself is taking care of his whole family.”
Seeking out treatment and talking about your experience with depression can help tremendously with your family dynamic. You may even find yourself stronger for having gone through the experience. Don’t expect results overnight though. Depression is not something we can dismiss or carry out the front door and never see again. It takes time, patience, and sometimes it is very painful as we journey towards recovery. Also, don’t forget that once recovered there will be a slightly changed dynamic to your personality. As with any experience, your brush with depression will become part of you. It is up to you, though, to determine how it will integrate with your personality and daily life.
You can read the APA article about this survey (and even participate) by clicking here.
During my first bout with Postpartum OCD, I could not begin to count how many times I got the lecture “Happiness is a choice” from my husband. But that was then and this is now. We have both come a long way in our sensitivity towards the very real condition of Depression, both of us having struggled with it in our own way.
If happiness truly is a choice, then why are so many of us struggling with depression? I mean, really, who chooses to be depressed? I sure didn’t. My husband didn’t. It just happened. Not overnight, mind you, but it happened. The thing with depression is that you don’t feel yourself fading away. As a Casting Crowns song states, it’s a “slow fade” as you fall away from happiness. Such a slow fade sometimes it’s not caught until it’s too late.
I don’t like the intimations of happiness being a choice. Call me jaded if you want but I just don’t like the idea of someone telling a depressed mom that she made the “choice” to be depressed. Yeah, right. I CHOSE to have horrific thoughts about harming my children. I CHOSE to slide so far down my pole that I landed in a psych ward. Yeap, that’s me. Choosing to be horrifically clinically depressed with OCD thrown in just for kicks. Why? Cuz I like it there. I like it in the dark, all alone, milling over thoughts of how to hurt my kids, thinking that everyone is out to get me.
C’MON.
I hated it there. Abhorred is an even better word. Emphatically detested the place, actually.
But now that I’ve graduated to Survivor, I have a very unique insight into the subjectiveness of this very phrase.
I didn’t choose to become a sufferer of Postpartum OCD. Nope, that part kinda bit me in the ass all on it’s own.
However, I CHOSE to become a survivor.
Like David gathering rocks to throw at Goliath, I turned and sought for my own rocks to place in my bag as I stood strong in the face of the Giant.
My rocks were strength, faith, and endurance. I needed all of them to carry me through. I found strength in stories of other survivors who had gone on to become tremendous advocates for other women and were now reaching their hands out to me as I struggled mightily to stay afloat. I found faith in God’s word and actions. Through my journey with PP OCD, I realized I had not strayed as far from Him as I thought. The wandering path behind me suddenly became clear as I moved forward. Everything, even the traumatic events that had once rocked my world, became illuminating lights that allowed me to develop endurance. I had been through several family deaths as a child, having lost an aunt at just 5 years old. It was through these losses that God prepared me for the road ahead. I knew I could strap on those boots and turn and fight.
Let me tell you something here. There is no feeling more empowering in the entire world than victory over your own personal demons, whatever they may be… mental illness, cancer, heart disease, etc. Those of us who choose to stand and fight know the taste of victory and it infuses into all we do from that point forward. We know we are not immune to the challenges of life. We just know how we’ll handle them no matter what they may be.
The biggest lesson I learned through all of this? Life isn’t about what it hands you. It’s about how you handle life. Looking at life through that lens would make it seem that happiness is a choice and to a certain extent it is a choice.
But sometimes life throws a screwball you just can’t avoid. So what are you to do? You have two choices. You can either let it knock you flat on your ass and stay there for awhile…..Or you can pick yourself up, dust off the dirt and mend the wounds, and go on your way.
What are YOU going to do?
Thursday is interview day over at Unexpected Blessing. Today’s interview is with Natalie Dombrowski, Brian’s wife. I thought it would be wonderful if I could start getting both husband and wife to grant interviews and I am happy to start with the Dombrowskis. Natalie has a book coming out, Back to You, that details her Postpartum journey. She also has a project, SPEAK, in which she gives presentations and encourages other moms to speak up about their experience in order to educate others. Brian agreed to answer the interview questions here at Postpartum Dads Project and I am very grateful and honored to be able to share his responses with you. Thank you Brian for being open and for your willingness to let other fathers into your world even if just for a few moments.
Did PPD occur at the birth of your first child? Do you have other children in which PPD did not occur?
Yes PPD occurred at the birth of my first child; it was about five weeks after when my wife was hospitalized. The signs were there all along (knowing that now), but at the time it just seems like Natalie was having a hard time adjusting and I told her that it will be fine and you will get used to it. We have no other children.
How old were you when you child was born? Do you think age was a factor on the PPD or your response?
I was twenty nine when my son was born. As far as age is concerned with PPD; Natalie and I have been talking and noticing that some women that she encounters that had PPD were in their thirties. I am not a doctor but if your mind and body have been the same for thirty years and then you get pregnant which changes a woman’s body in the first place and then throw a traumatic birth into it, I believe that it would be a factor. As far as age in my response; I don’t go by age I go by experience. My response once we knew that Natalie was sick was (let’s get her better). My Dad passed away from a terminal illness and I was very involved with helping my Ma and getting the most information and help he could so that he was comfortable. I know the situation with Natalie and my Dad were different; but I knew how to react and respond.
Are you married or unmarried? Do you think your marital status played a part in the PPD?
Yes we are married. We are in a committed relationship and the wedding vows that I took were “in sickness and health”. To those that are married and hold it sacred there is something about being married because that person is very special and you would never want to see anything wrong with that person and you will do whatever you can to help. That could even be the case with a parent and child. I don’t think that the martial status would change PPD. But I do believe that a woman that has PPD needs someone to support her regardless of who it is.
Were there any special circumstances surrounding birth of child? (ie, NICU, other children with special needs, life events such as death, changing job, moving, etc)
Yes there were special circumstances involved in my sons birth. The doctor broke the water bag to speed up the delivery but my son went to the bathroom inside her. Then his heartbeat was dropping and fluctuating when Natalie started to shake and spiked a very high fever. The doctor and nurse came in and told us our options, wait it out with complications or do an emergency c-section. My response was “what are we waiting for?” It was scary waiting out in that dark hallway wondering what in the world was going on and thought I was going to loose either one of them? He was born and she was unable to see him because she needed to get her fever down, and that was for twenty four hours. I did con the nurses into bringing him in an incubator so she could see him because I saw how upset she was. Both of them were in bad shape for those twenty four hours, he was connected to all these monitors and IV’s and what have you, and Natalie still had a fever. But the next morning it was like a miracle happened and they both had this recovery and were able to be together at last.
Did you seek treatment? What did you find most effective and least effective?
Yes I sought treatment. At first I spoke to our family friend who is a priest then once Natalie was well on her way to recovery I started to see how much it had affected me; so I saw a counselor twice a month for about four months. Having a third party to listen helped me a lot, the counselor really never said too much but stared me in the proper direction to make sense of it all.
Did Faith/Religion play a role in your experience? If so, do you think it was a positive role or negative role? Please explain.
Yes faith played a role. Like I said in the previous question I spoke to a priest because what was going on was surreal. I left my wife of ten months in some hospital; I have a newborn to take care of; I needed to have faith and I knew that he would help me see that things would get better as long as I believed and kept the faith. I had to convince myself of this numerous times, but I never let Natalie know no different “It will get better!”
Did you/will you have additional children after your depressive episode? (Was it/Is it an issue between you and your spouse?)
Natalie and I have talked about having another child, the answer is still pending. I always wanted more than one child but to go thought what happened again, I just don’t think I have it in me. I would never want to see my wife go thought that again. But now that we are educated and aware; if she does become pregnant we will know what signs to look for and how to resolve them and where and how to get help if needed. Communication is vital in this area and you need to be very open; if you do, you don’t or even if you are unsure you need to talk it out! I also remind myself that every situation is different and it will be different experience.
How has PPD affected your marriage? What were the short term impacts and the long term impacts?
Yes PPD affected our marriage. I didn’t realize it at first because when she was in her recovery I forgot about myself and was taking care of her and my son and that was my main priority and that was it. So as Natalie got better I was feeling resentment because I felt that she didn’t appreciate what I did for her, so I got angry. Made an ass out of myself one night at my thirtieth birthday party and started to realize that I had a problem and I was acting out because I knew that she was getting better. About a month later is when I sought help. I learned a lot about my wife through this and I believe that there is good in every situation and you might not know it at the time but you will be able to figure it out someday. It has made our relationship stronger it really tested us but after the dust settled we realized our happiness as husband and wife and as a family with our son.
What lessons did you learn from dealing with PPD that you would like to share with other dads?
The lesson that I could tell a man that is going though this with his wife is listen, keep a very open mind and hold her tight; she needs you now more than ever! You need to be that rock, that shoulder to cry on, and you have to take on many responsibilities; even being mister mom! But you need to take care of yourself also, have someone to talk to, have an outlet because this is affecting you, might not see it or want to admit it, but take care of yourself too; it is not being selfish you need to stay strong for your wife’s recovery.
What helped you cope with PPD and what would you suggest to other dads?
Being very involved from the start of my wife’s recovery helped me cope. I did a lot of research on PPD to help me understand what was going on. Stay educated, have someone to talk to and communicate with your wife because you are both going though this.
Do you have any suggestions for communicating with your wife during this period? Any mistakes you made that others should avoid?
Like I said earlier keep an open mind and heart, you will see an array of emotions. Keep your cool, it is a sickness and your wife needs time to heal. Stay positive things will get better and you must tell her that numerous times a day. Most important is to listen and let her talk, be supportive and communicate with her. Don’t get mad at her, she has a sickness that she could not control, she does appreciate you and all that you do; she might not say it or show it but she will once she has recovered.
I apologize for the lack of update here the past week. You see, we’ve been sick. All of us. Except for Chris. He’s had his ups and downs but more than not, he’s been the one we’ve turned to in our time of need. I’ve been asleep more often than not since Christmas afternoon due to a nasty cough/cold bug that seems to be making its rounds. Our daughter Alli ended up at the ER a week ago today with it and was diagnosed with Possible Pneumonia. Now the rest of us have it and she is still recovering as well which doesn’t bode well for the rest of us in the recovery process. This sucker is going to take it’s time.
I do have a point for you in all of this.
It’s been absolutely wonderful to be able to rely on Chris to keep things running while I’ve been down. He’s taken over the reigns and done awesome things with the kids. And he hasn’t made me feel guilty once for not being able to do my job due to being sick.
When your wife is struggling with a Postpartum Mood Disorder, it is no different than if she is suffering from a severe cold or the flu. Trust me, she wants to feel better, she really does. No one wants to be lost in the depths of sadness, have horrible fleeting thoughts of harming your baby crossing your mind, be riddled with panic or anxiety attacks. If we could somehow wave a magic wand and make it all go away, we would. Alas, we can’t. All we can do is be brave enough to ask for help and trust in those around us to rally and help us on our path to recovery.
One of the most common things a woman tends to do during a Postpartum Mood Disorder is wish that her husband would pick up the slack with the baby or ask how she’s doing or what he can do to help.
But she won’t tell you this. No, she will let it simmer and steam and stew and then explode when you ask a simple little question or remark that she looks tired. And you’re left holding the crumbling cards wondering what on earth YOU did wrong. The answer? Nothing. After all, you’re not a mind-reader, right?
Here are a few things you may want to get a head start on doing once baby arrives in order to avoid this scenario:
- Change baby’s diaper (I know, I know but hey, it’s really not that bad)
- Offer to take care of baby after baby’s nursed/fed
- Feed baby if you can (For you dads with partners who are breastfeeding, this may have to wait until about 6wks when mom can pump and nipple confusion won’t be a huge issue if baby gets a bottle once in awhile in but in the meantime you can change baby and take care of baby once he/she has nursed. You can also check out KellyMom for more info regarding breastfeeding)
- Encourage mom to shower or let her have some time to herself (and don’t forget to take some time of your own too!)
- Educate yourself about the signs and symptoms of Postpartum Mood Disorders (and what you can do to help.)
Your wife may not be able to say thank you right away. It may not even be in a few months. Eventually she will say thank you. It may not even be in the form of words but in actions. I can’t even begin to tell you the deep appreciation and respect I have for my husband. He supported me through it all and while it was amazingly difficult for both of us and the worst of it found me curled up in the floor after having shouted at him in front of our two year old daughter, we are still hanging tough because we both recognized it for what it was and sought help in our own ways.
Thank you Chris, for standing by me when I needed you most. I don’t think I can ever say that enough.
I first saw Michael Lurie on a Fox Morning program and immediately thought how wonderful it was for him to be sharing his story as it is very rare indeed to get a glimpse into the postpartum experience from a father’s perspective. In his book, My Journey to Her World: How I Coped with My Wife’s Postnatal Depression, Michael is transparently open and honest with the events as they unfolded. Familiar with his wife’s previous depressive episodes, her postnatal experience and his subsequent depression went well beyond anything either of them could have ever fathomed. I am honored to share his words with you here and sincerely hope that you will share them with the men in your lives. Michael has been extremely gracious and kind (we’ve had technical difficulties in pulling this together – our emails weren’t the greatest of playmates!) in completing this and I thank him for his patience. I also thank him for his bravery in forging such a valuable addition to resources available for fathers with partners suffering from postpartum depression.
Click here to purchase your own copy of My Journey to Her World
How hard was it for you to witness your wife’s struggle with Postpartum Depression? What were some of the emotions you went through?
Very difficult to heartbreaking. Some emotions I went through were:
Helplessness- not being able to make things better quickly
Disbelief- I couldn’t believe things hag gotten so bad
Anger- Angry with G-d for Kate’s illness. Anger at family and friends who I felt did not fully understand the severity of the situation
Fear- that Kate may harm herself and the baby
At what point did you decide to write your book, My Journey to Her World?
Following several months of watching Kate deteriorate, I started brainstorming my thoughts on a piece of paper t try and get some cathartic release. A I wrote down my thoughts, I realized that this was a story that needed to be told to others in order to help others and avoid the frustration I felt at not having a resource spec ifically aimed for men.
Has becoming a Father changed you?It has given me a sense of unconditional responsibility and love to my children which will last the rest of my life.
What aspect of being a Father is the most challenging? The Least?
Most challenging- the constant feeling of responsibility for another human being who is totally dependent on you.
Least challenging- the ability to unconditionally love your child.
How difficult was it to accept your own experience with depression during this time? Do you feel it brought you closer to your wife and allowed you to better understand her?
It was very difficult to accept my position and I need it confirmed by a third party (doctor) before acknowledging it. It did bring me closer to my wife as I got a small ‘taste’ of what a sufferer of depression goes through.
What are some things you did to actively support your wife during her episode of Postpartum Depression?
I ensured that she was functional even at her worst point and asked her to do even the smallest of chores- e.g. help me fold the laundry.
I acknowledged her feelings and let her release emotions without questioning whether they were rational or not.
I ensured that on a practical level, there was nothing to worry about
I respected her need at times to be alone
I made her feel 100% comfortable to tell me how she was feeling at any time of day or night
Just as women with PPD learn that taking care of themselves is important, this is a lesson that Fathers should heed as well. What do you do on a regular basis to feed your soul and ensure that you stay in a good place?
Nurture and develop your hobbies and interests. Remember that you are first and foremost an individual who needs to look after them self in order to look after others.
Did PPD strengthen or weaken your marriage? Do you feel that you both are in a better place now than prior to PPD?
It strengthened it as it made us more committed to one another.
It made me appreciate my wife more for overcoming it and being such a fantastic mother
I would not say we are in a better place now as we were in a good place beforehand. I would say we are in a different place now as we have the realization and experience of PPD and its devastating effects.
What do you find to be the best part of being a Father?
The privilege of providing love and care for a child and seeing them develop into fulfilled and content people
If there was one piece of advice you could give to an expectant father (new or experienced), what would it be and why would this be important for him to hear?Talk to people and if there is a problem – seek help. Don’t suffer alone.
What is Paternal Postnatal Depression (or PPND for those of you who love acronyms)? Read on to find out!
Dr. Will Courtenay has been working in the field of Men’s Health for quite some time and is internationally recognized for his achievements in his field. According to his bio at Postpartum Men, Dr. Courtenay received his Ph.D. from the University of California at Berkeley and is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. He is a member of the visiting clinical faculty in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, and has formerly served on the clinical faculty of the University of California, San Francisco, Medical School. Dr. Courtenay also serves as a Coordinator with Postpartum Support International.
In addition to his psychotherapy practice, Dr. Courtenay has spent the last 15 years researching and writing about men’s physical and mental health concerns, and effective strategies for helping men. His work is referenced by researchers throughout the world and has been translated into many languages. Currently, the focus of his research and writing is men’s experiences after the birth of a child – and effective strategies for helping men with postpartum depression.
I am excited to be able to share this interview with you and hope you leave enlightened and open to th very real condition that affects new fathers.
Thank you Dr. Courtenay for your hard work in this area and I also thank you for the time you put into this interview. I know it continue to shed light on a topic that has been in the dark far too long.
What led you to become a Psychotherapist specializing in men’s issues?
Wow! That question takes me back to being a teenager in the late 70s! That was when the Comprehensive Employment and Training Act, or CETA, was enacted. My first social work job was being a CETA worker in San Francisco. I helped teenaged boys – mostly runaways, who were living on the streets of the inner city – to find jobs and housing. After that, I worked in a variety of jobs helping men as a social worker while I continued my education.
After I began my psychotherapy practice, and while I was working on my PhD at the University of California at Berkeley, I became very curious about the silence surrounding men’s issues. No one was talking about them – not doctors, not mental health providers, not the media, and certainly not men themselves. I was shocked to learn, for example, that men were dying nearly eight years younger than women, and yet there was no discussion about it. Most people – including doctors – were not even aware of this fact. And men’s mental health wasn’t any better. Men were killing themselves at rates up to 12 times higher than women were. But again, there was a deafening silence.
So, about 15 years ago, I founded Men’s Health Consulting (www.MensHealth.org). An educational and consulting firm focused on educating health professionals and the public about the health of men and boys, and how to best provide health services to men. That was long before most people had heard of Men’s Health Magazine. Finally, things have changed and men’s health is getting more of the attention it deserves. But now, men’s postpartum depression is where men’s health was 15 years ago – completely in the dark.
The focus of my work as a researcher and social scientist is masculinity. What I discovered is, men’s attitudes about manhood have a direct influence on men’s health and well-being. Take for example, the fact that many men were taught as boys to never cry – and that they were often punished when they did. So, it’s no surprise research shows that men are more likely than women to try to hide their depression – which only worsens the depression. Men are also taught to be tough, self-reliant and never ask for help. This then makes it difficult for men to get the support and professional help they need to recover from depression – and can lead to feelings of shame or embarrassment when they do.
It really pains me to see so many men suffering alone, and in silence. Especially since depression, anxiety and the other emotional problems that affect us are effectively treatable. So, helping men to lead the most fulfilling lives they can – primarily through raising public awareness and through my psychotherapy practice in Berkeley, California – remains a lifelong passion.
When did you first begin to see an increase in men experiencing Paternal Postnatal Depression?
Well – to be honest – what first springs to mind when I hear that question is a really bad analogy: buying a car and suddenly noticing how many of the same cars there are on the road. But the fact is, until you recognize that this problem of postpartum depression in men exists, you don’t see it. Once you know about it, you start to see just how common it is.
The fact is, we don’t know if there actually is “an increase” in Paternal Postnatal Depression (PPND). It’s only relatively recently that the problem has been identified. That doesn’t mean it’s new, it just means we hadn’t identified it before. There probably have always been men who’ve experienced postpartum depression.
Part of what drew my attention to the problem, was becoming a father myself and starting to think more about the experiences of men as fathers. At the same time, I had been watching many of male patients becoming fathers. In fact, it was actually in my clinical practice – working with men who became fathers for the first time – when I first saw men experiencing depression after their babies were born. That’s when I started researching the subject.
What is the occurrence rate for PPND and what are some of the risk factors for developing PPND?
Well, the occurrence rate is surprisingly high. Every day, more than 1,000 men in the United States become depressed after the birth of their children. And according to some studies, that number is as high as 3,000. That’s means that as many as 1 in 4 new dads experience PPND.
The “risk factors” for PPND are basically those things that we believe might cause PPND (see below). Men who are concerned about developing PPND – or concerned about already having PPND – should look over the list of possible causes to see whether they might be at risk.
Would you describe some of the classic symptoms of PPND? What symptoms would warrant a psychiatric emergency?
It’s a great question – and certainly a reasonable one. But it opens a whole can of worms.
“Classic” is probably not the best term to use in this case. PPND is a relatively newly recognized problem. Now that doesn’t mean that fathers haven’t always experienced this problem, it just means we’re only beginning to learn about it. So, because of that, we don’t really know what the “classic symptoms” are. The same is true of men’s depression, in general. What we’ve long thought of as classic symptoms of depression, may have blinded us to the actual symptoms that men experience.
When we think of a depressed person, we usually picture someone who’s sad and crying. But picture instead a guy who’s working 60 hours a week, being a little short-tempered, drinking a couple of martinis at lunch, slipping out of the office to have an affair, and then speeding home to his wife in the evening. Now that’s not who we think of when we think of someone who’s depressed, but these are some of the symptoms of men’s depression – which often looks different than women’s depression. This is part of what makes it easy to overlook men’s depression.
Here are some symptoms of men’s depression or PPND:
§ Increased anger and conflict with others
§ Increased use of alcohol or other drugs
§ Frustration or irritability
§ Violent behavior
§ Losing weight without trying
§ Isolation from family and friends
§ Being easily stressed
§ Impulsiveness and taking risks, like reckless driving and extramarital sex
§ Feeling discouraged
§ Increases in complaints about physical problems
§ Ongoing physical symptoms, like headaches, digestion problems or pain
§ Problems with concentration and motivation
§ Working constantly
§ Frustration or irritability
§ Misuse of prescription medication
§ Increased concerns about productivity and functioning at school or work
§ Fatigue
§ Experiencing conflict between how you think you should be as a man and how you actually are
A man who’s depressed won’t experience all these symptoms. Some men experience only a few of them, while others experience many. And how bad these symptoms get also varies among men – and over time.
Now, that said, it’s important to point out that men with PPND can also experience “classic” symptoms of depression – such as a sad mood, loss of interest in hobbies or sex, a change in appetite, a sense of worthlessness, poor concentration, and thoughts of suicide. Certainly if a man is thinking about suicide, that would qualify as a psychiatric emergency. We have to remember that men commit suicide anywhere from 4 to 12 times more often than women do. Each day, 75 men in the United States take their own lives. So, any thoughts of suicide in men need to be taken very seriously.
As you can probably tell from this description, PPND is different from the “Daddy Blues” – which many new dads can experience. With normal postpartum stress or the Daddy Blues, a guy’s going to feel better when he gets a little extra sleep, when he goes to the gym, or when he has lunch with a buddy. But with depression, these things won’t make him feel better. With depression, the symptoms are more severe and they last longer. So, if the Daddy Blues last more than two or three weeks, a man’s probably depressed – and he should get help from a mental health professional who specializes in working with men. Left untreated, postpartum depression often worsens.
It’s also important to keep in mind that men are more likely than women to try to hide their depression. And many men are very good at this. In fact, they’re so good at it, they don’t even recognize their depression themselves. So, looking out for any sign of something unusual is critical. The best sign might simply be hearing from his partner, “Honey, you haven’t been yourself lately.”
It’s also important to point out that, even if new fathers don’t have “clinical” symptoms, they can sometimes just feel miserable – and completely alone in their misery. It’s not uncommon for me to hear from men, “I just don’t feel any connection to my baby.” For some men, it’s even harder than this: they can’t stand to be near their baby. They can’t stand the smell of their baby. Or, for other men, they can’t stand to hear their baby cry; just hearing their baby cry makes them completely crazy. And then, on top of that, these men feel horribly guilty for thinking or feeling these things.
What are the causes of men’s Postpartum Depression?
To be frank, we can’t be definitive about the causes of PPND – at least at this point. But, that said, there are a number of factors that research suggest might be possible causes.
It’s likely that sleep deprivation plays a major role in triggering men’s depression. We know that normal, healthy adults who are deprived of good sleep for just one month begin to develop all of the clinical signs of depression. So, sleep deprivation is a very likely cause.
Hormones may also play a role. Everyone knows that pregnant women and breast-feeding mothers go through hormonal changes, but men’s hormones change too. A man’s hormones change both during his partner’s pregnancy and during his baby’s infancy. And it’s a double whammy: not only do our testosterone levels go down, but – at the same time – our estrogen levels go up. Which means less male hormones and more female hormones coursing though our bodies. One man I know got teary-eyed just learning this; he finally had an explanation why he’d suddenly “broke down in tears” the week before when he saw a squirrel on the street get hit by a car. These hormonal changes can wreak havoc on a man’s life, and may help set the stage for postpartum depression. In fact, there is some evidence linking decreasing testosterone levels with increasing risk of depression in men.
Now, the thing that best predicts whether a man will become depressed is whether his partner is depressed. Half of all men whose partners have postpartum depression are depressed themselves. Part of what I think explains this, is the new father’s loss of his partner to her new job that keeps her occupied 24/7 – and being left on the sidelines while mommy and baby are bonding. We know from lots of research that men have fewer friends and smaller social networks than women do, and that – for many men – their female partners are their primary source of support. The loss of this support – which, of course, is even greater when the mother is depressed – might be a trigger for depression in some men.
Here are some other things that may increase a man’s chances of experiencing PPND are
§ Personal history of depression
§ Relationship stress – with a partner or with in-laws
§ Excessive stress about becoming a parent or father
§ A sick or colicky baby
§ A lack of support from others
§ Economic problems or limited resources
What steps can a man with PPND take to get better and what is the average length of the recovery period?
Well, the good news is that postpartum depression and anxiety are very treatable. Men don’t have to continue suffering. And although these conditions are very serious – and sometimes life-threatening – men can fully recover.
Research shows that the best way to “get better” (or the best treatment) when experiencing depression, is a combination of talk therapy and medication. Now, “talk therapy” can be a scary idea for many men. If that’s the case, then a man should think of it instead as getting some consultation or coaching. The fact is, every man needs a teammate – or a coach – at some time (and sometimes many times) in his life. And if he’s suffering from PPND or depression, that’s one of those times. The important thing is that a man rally with himself to gather the courage necessary to get the help he needs to recover.
It’s also important that he see a psychotherapist who’s trained in working with men. The fact is, we mental health clinicians are human. We’ve grown up with the same stereotypes about men that everyone else has. These stereotypes about how men are supposed to be can often blind clinicians to men’s pain In fact, research shows that trained, mental health clinicians are less likely to correctly diagnosis depression in men than in women. Because of this, and the unique needs men bring to therapy, a man should see someone who has been trained in working specifically with men.
Now, if a man doesn’t get help, it can result in damaging, long-term consequences. Left untreated, we know that postpartum mood disorders often worsen – and they can ruin a man’s marriage or his career, and can lead to serious financial problems. We also know that a father’s PPND has a negative impact on the emotional and behavioral development of his child 3-5 years later.
Suicide, of course, is the most tragic consequence of depression. As I mentioned above, suicide rates are much higher for men than for women. In fact, three U.S. men kill themselves every hour of every day. And men’s depression doesn’t just lead to suicide. Men with depression are twice as likely to die from any cause compared to those men who aren’t depressed. That’s why I call depression “men’s silent killer.”
The truth is, the biggest problem with men’s postpartum depression isn’t the depression itself, but the fact that too many men try to go it alone and don’t get treatment. That’s the worse thing they can do. Men need to recognize that depression is a medical condition – it’s not a weakness of character. For a man to admit he’s depressed isn’t unmanly or admitting defeat; it’s taking charge of his life.
The important thing to remember is that all of the negative consequences of men’s depression are avoidable. With proper treatment and support, men can fully recover from PPND. And if a man can’t do it for himself, he should consider doing for his marriage or the well-being of his child.
Unfortunately, we don’t know how long it takes men to recover from PPND; it’s never been researched. But men should keep in mind that their depression may have been years in the making; it may not disappear overnight. Even a man who recognizes he’s depressed and gets help – by talking to a psychotherapist or consultant right away – can still take a while to recover. If a man starts taking antidepressants, for example, it usually takes the medication 8 to 12 weeks to reach a therapeutic level. The recovery time will also vary depending on what the man’s emotional well-being was like before he became a father.
Now, all of that said, it’s also worth mentioning that – in my experience – men often report at least some relief almost immediately after talking to a mental health professional. That sense of relief often continues until they fully recover from depression.
How can a partner support her husband if he is suffering from PPND?
The number one way a partner can support her husband is by being patient. And the second – and the third – way she can support her husband is by being patient. This is especially true if her husband has already acknowledged that he might need some help.
The fact is, it can take a while for a man to get help – even after he’s decided to do that. And then once he gets help, it can take a while for him to recover. I just heard from a man last week that his wife had been very understanding of his becoming depressed – at first. But when his depression persisted – as it often does, even after beginning treatment – she got impatient. That won’t help a man’s recovery at all.
For the woman who wants to help her husband to get the help he doesn’t know he needs, but she knows he needs, I’d suggest that she look to what’s worked for her in the past. What powers of persuasion has she used that have worked most successfully in the past? What worked when she wanted her partner to do something he didn’t want to do – like cleaning out the garage or mowing the lawn? She should think about these things and what’s worked to influence him in the past. What works is going to be different for every man.
She should also be careful with the words she uses to talk about getting help. She might be comfortable with the notions of “therapy” or “personal growth,” but her partner might not be. It’s a lot safer for her to suggest that he consider some “coaching” or “consultation.” If she’s considering finding some referrals for him, she should try to find someone who’s experienced in working with men.
If both the mother and father are suffering with a Postnatal Mood Issue, what steps should they take together to protect their marriage and the child?
Well, the first thing they should do is to take a deep breath. Then, they should fasten their seat belts and make sure their tray tables are in the upright position.
Now, I don’t want to make light of this most challenging of postpartum situations. But the truth is, it is going to be a very bumpy ride. And, these parents need to be prepared for how bumpy it’s going to get.
Parenthood is hard. Let’s face it; it’s hard for all of us. And, of course, it’s also often filled with pure joy. But, it’s still hard. In fact, three out of four couples say they became dissatisfied with their relationship after their first child was born. That’s because taking care of a new baby is challenging – for most parents. But with postpartum depression it’s different; it’s painfully challenging. And when two parents are depressed, it’s doubly, painfully challenging.
This question is particularly relevant, because we know that half of all women who are depressed have male partners who are also depressed. And – if both parents are depressed – the negative impact on their child’s emotional and behavioral development is even worse than if one parent is depressed.
The truth is, “baby bliss” is something that appears more often in movies and Hallmark cards than in the homes of new parents. Yes, some parents experience what appears to be a seamless transition into parenthood. But I believe that’s the exception. For most parents, it’s more like baby boot camp. (And it’s not the babies who are in training.)
If both mother and father are depressed, professional help is definitely needed – for both of them, individually and as a couple. That means finding an individual psychotherapist for him, one for her, and a couples therapist for both of them. I know it sounds like a lot of talk therapy, but the fact is, that’s the best chance of getting them through this.
Social support for both of them – individually and as a couple – is also going to be important. Involving family can be helpful, but only if the family members involved are supportive of both partners and the relationship. Getting involved in an online forum – like the online forum at www.SadDaddy.com for new fathers – is important. This may be especially true for men, who may be more comfortable getting support in a way that are anonymous.
Probably the best thing couples can to do to protect their marriage – and their child’s development – begins before the baby is even born. Expectant parents should assess both the mother’s and the father’s risk for experiencing postpartum depression (see the question about risk factors). They can go to my web site, www.SadDaddy.com, and check the list of things that can put a man at risk. There are also resources there for new and expectant mothers.
If a man’s at risk for PPND, he should start getting prepared for the possibility that he might become depressed before the baby is born. Building a network of support made up of friends and family – and putting this in place before the birth of his child – is like putting money in the bank. The expectant father can also join a men’s group or a new father’s group.
For men, the best resource is my web site, www.SadDaddy.com. There’s a lot of information, and resources, about men’s postpartum mood disorders, an assessment specifically designed for men to help them determine whether they might be depressed, and an online forum for new dads to talk with one another.
Just as with PPD, is it possible for a father to be ok after one birth and still experience PPND with a subsequent birth?
My guess is, yes. But that’s only a guess; an educated guess. The problem is, we don’t know. We’re only know beginning to understand PPND, and the chance that it can occur after a previously uneventful postpartum experience is unknown.
If you could give an expectant father (new or experienced) just one piece of advice, what would it be?
Have the courage to get help, if you think you might need it. And, if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your kid’s sake.
And – if I could add a second piece of advice – it would be, be patient with yourself. Parenting is harder than you think. It’s harder than anyone thinks – or anticipates – it will be. It is, as they say, the hardest job you’ll ever have.
And it’s even harder now, when men are expected to be more involved in parenting. Most dads – with their typically can-do approach to things – say, “Sure, of course I’ll be more involved in parenting.” But then they wonder, “What does that mean?”
The fact is, they can’t answer that, because most of these guys had dads who took a completely hands-off approach to parenting. So, that leaves these new dads – who never learned parenting skills from their own dads – uncertain about what to do. Unfortunately, this uncertainty can quickly lead to anxiety – and we know that anxiety postpartum often leads to depression.
Recognizing this – and just how difficult the job of parenting is – will help new dads to cut themselves a little slack. Hopefully, if they can be patient with themselves while they learn this new job, they’ll enjoy being a dad a whole lot more.
Postpartum Dads Project 