You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘Husband’ tag.
Postpartum Mood Disorders are pesky at the least. If you don’t squash them early by seeking help and creating a positive place where you can relax and fall down, a Postpartum Mood Disorder will turn into a full blown nasty monster. And then you’ll have to use the tranquilizer darts and quite frankly, that hurts.
You are probably here because your wife hasn’t seemed to be quite right since giving birth. Or maybe you’re struggling with some emotional issues and aren’t quite sure where to turn.
First, thank you for seeking help and information in regards to whatever situation you’re in at the moment!
Second, make sure you get yourself in touch with your local Postpartum Support International Coordinator. Even if you’re a guy. Trust me, they’ve got a coordinator for that.
One key thing I want to note here in regards to a Postpartum Mood Disorder is that it’s a real damper on communication. When I was struggling through Postpartum OCD, I expected my husband to read my mind. Yeap. Nevermind that he had not attended Houdini’s School of Telepathy or couldn’t even manage to get something as simple as a napkin to float in the air, he was fully and suddenly expected to know my every thought, need, and behave accordingly. So when he left baby with me instead of pitching in when I torpedoed the request repeatedly at his brain, I got pissed. When he didn’t pick up on the slack in the housework despite me clearly leaving a post-it note on his frontal lobe, I got pissed. You see where I’m going with this?
He never asked what I needed help with. He assumed I would open my mouth and let him know what I needed. Except that for some reason childbirth and Postpartum OCD made that a whole lot harder to do. So I didn’t. And he didn’t. And suddenly there we were, rushing toward Niagra Falls in a wooden barrel.
Communication is key to getting things back on track. Helping out with chores like cooking, cleaning, childcare is imperative. I call this the 3 C method. Ask if she needs help with any of them and you’ll be getting some serious brownie points.
Don’t understand Postpartum Mood Disorders or what’s going on with your wife specifically? Go to the doctor appointments with her. Ask questions. An involved, pro-active spouse is going to get his wife back a lot faster than one who is not involved and is judgmental about what she is currently experiencing. She cannot snap out of her depression. It will take time, it will take work, and it will take dedication.
But the more you ask, the more you do, the more of a routine helping each other out will become in your marriage. She may not thank you at first but trust me, she’ll feel it in her heart. And one day, when she’s well enough, she will say thank you even though those words will never be enough to express how appreciative she is that you dared to jump into the ditch with her.
First, apologies for not keeping this project up as I had originally hoped. I could list a bunch of excuses but I won’t. I take full responsibility for not updating regularly and not providing the support envisioned at the onset. I’m deeply sorry for not being here for those in need. I hope you’ll forgive me.
That said, I have been doing some very deep thinking about this project over the past few weeks. And I’ve drawn a conclusion. Not literally, mind you – there’s not a napkin somewhere with scribbles on it. Anymore.
I think one of the biggest reasons I did not update as often as I should have here was because I was intimidated. Sure, I grew up in a family of guys and have always related to guys more than girls but to start a support project and have the pressure of having to relate to men in that way was way more intense than I expected. I stayed away because I was scared of saying the wrong thing or not relating to someone in pain or need.
It hit me the other day that I don’t have to pretend to be someone I am not here because what I am is a mom who has survived Postpartum Depression twice and hospitalization for Postpartum Depression once. I’ve experienced depression while pregnant. I’m a mom who has helped numerous families over the past four years get through precisely what you’re facing now. I’m aware of the resources, the signs, the symptoms, the issues surrounding Postpartum Mood Disorders. I know first hand the chaos it can bring to a marriage and to a family. And it’s not fun to go at it alone.
So here I am, just a mom, totally and 100% available to you as support during your struggles with a Postpartum Mood Disorder. Have a question? Ask it. I’ll answer it or get you in touch with someone who can. Need help? I’m your gal.
I won’t be able to read your mind or your wife’s mind. I can’t explain behavior, I can’t diagnose and I cannot recommend one medication or course of treatment over the other. You have to do what is best for you and your situation. And obviously, you’ll want to seek professional help if you even think there’s a possibility of Postpartum Mood Disorders.
Over the next few weeks, I’ll be making a concerted effort to publish more often here about topics you need to hear about. Things like therapy options, the differences between the various postpartum mood disorders, how to best help your wife, how to keep caregiver burnout at bay, and anything else for which you may need answers.
I look forward to connecting with you and creating a community of support.
Warmest,
Lauren
A few days ago, I came across a wonderfully open and transparent post written by a husband about his wife’s experience with a Postpartum Mood Disorder over at the Hidden Sage blog.There’s a tremendous rarity to his post though – his wife unfortunately suffered from sexual abuse as a child, something which has raised her risk factor and level of struggle with her Mood Disorder. They’ve used a psychiatrist along with a naturopath for treatment as well. I’ve obtained his permission to repost his story here and I sincerely hope it will help other men who may find themselves in this rare yet real scenario. Thank you for your gracious permission and your bravery in sharing your story with us.
My Wife’s Cycles
My wife has her ups and downs, and if her downs aren’t carefully monitored she can easily crash. She has crashed before; one major crash happened a few years ago after she gave birth to our daughter. At first she just seemed sad and down, but nothing in her behavior was particularily all that worrisome. Then her sadness started to appear more and more like depression. Soon afterwards she started having violent and suicidal thoughts. She’d tell me how she’d get thoughts of violently throwing our kids against the wall, how she just loses it when they’d cry, how she isn’t cut out to be a mother, etc. Her mental state was fragile; her post-partum was just getting worse and worse.
Back then I used to spend half my time at work worried about what my wife was going through. The minute I got home I’d take over. I’d feed the kids, change their diapers, spend time with them and put them to sleep while my wife would go out in an attempt to get her mind off things. More often than not, I was the one that would get up at those post-midnight hours to tend to our kids. She’d be worn out, irritable and hating, and I’d be much too worried about both her and our kids.
Neither of us understood the realities that lie beneath post-partum. We both thought that she would overcome it in due time. By the time we eventually decided to start seeking professional help, she was a mess. Professional help made a huge difference to her; it took her out of her depression. Between the psychiatrist and naturopath her mind and state were gathering back together into something less fragile. Her violent thoughts cleared away, her spirit rose, and she was getting back into her old self. Well, almost.
During the healing process my wife had to come to terms with her reality, and it brought back a lot of her past childhood issues. There were things about her that she needed to confront, but never did. There were traumatic events in her life that no one ever did anything about, events that went beyond her never being raised with one of her parents for more than a couple of years at a time. Her parents divorced soon after she was born and her mom left her with her dad, who in turn left her with his sister. She kept going back and forth between living with her aunt and her father, both of which lived in different countries, until she eventually ran away to her mom during her college years. Those were, however, not the worst of her childhood issues.
She was first sexually abused when she was 6 years old by one of her uncles during a family summer vacation. She was much too young and confused to know what to make of it all. As she grew older other men around her started to take advantage of her as well, at that young age, she didn’t know how to react. Some of those sick men were her father’s best friends and others were her uncles. This sexual abuse lasted for six years, until she was 12. At some point she had attempted telling her step-mother but got a slap across the face in response. To her parents she was just coming up with stories and calling for attention. When she eventually ran away to her mom’s, her step-father took advantage of her. None of these issues had ever been confronted or resolved. I hadn’t known the magnitude of her childhood traumas until after she had started going to the psychiatrist.
Coming to terms with all that had happened to her took a lot out of both of us. I confronted her father, mother and step-father when I found that they weren’t responding to her raising the issues of her past. I cut myself off from her family for about a year. Their reactions and responses to what she told them infuriated the both of us. It took a lot out of her to mend her relations with her parents after what they had done. Her step-father, however, wouldn’t dare show his face around either of us ever again.
My understanding is that people who were sexually abused as kids tend to have major identity issues. They struggle to figure out who they really are and what they’re about. Whether or not that’s the case with all sexually abused people, it’s definitely my wife’s reality. Every now and then she goes through those periods of confusion. They can last anywhere from a week to over a month, depending on how we handle it.
Our naturopath helped us out a lot. She put a lot of effort and time into helping my wife out, and she was basically the only one my wife would go to once she stopped seeing her psychiatrist.
My wife’s cycles still persist and although they’re far less intense than they used to be, the cycles are still a matter of concern to both of us. I’m planning on taking her to Amen Clinics early on this summer and checking up with her psychiatrist once again in the meantime. Although the naturopath was of great help, I think she needs the help only medical therapy can offer.
She’s been going through one of her down cycles for a couple of weeks now. It was peaking a little over a week ago and she now seems to be coming out from it, thanks to our naturopath’s continual free follow-ups. We have decided though, that from now until we head to Amen Clinics, she’ll be going back to seeing her psychiatrist.
There are obviously a lot more layers and issues that affect my wife, but none of them have been as devastating to her as her sexually abused past. It’s always a hurtful experience to see her going through her downward cycles, especially when she’s still unaware that it’s actually happening.
This interview is reposted from Unexpected Blessing.
As I sit here having just read this interview, I am blown away by how far we have truly come since the birth of our first child. We have overcome so much and I know it is because neither one of us is afraid of staring adversity in the eye. Chris and I met November 2000 while we worked at the same company. We’ve been inseparable ever since, no matter what the storm brought to our world. Relying on each other’s strengths and shoring up each other’s weaknesses, we’ve managed to build an extremely strong marriage that has been tested time and again in the short six years of wedded partnership. And you know what? We’ve come out of each storm stronger and closer than before. There’s a quote by Louisa Alcott: “I am not afraid of the storm for I am learning to sail my ship.” Together we are not afraid of the storm and have slowly begun to master sailing our ship through whatever mighty waves come our way. I hope you enjoy this honest and compassionate look into my PPD experience from my husband’s perspective.
Would you share your experience of watching the woman you love suffer from Postpartum Depression? What were some of the emotions you went through as you watched me spiral downward and what was the hardest part for you?
Wow, thats tough. I guess it is hard because I have blocked that out of my mind. I think the best way to answer that question is to just explain what PPD looks like from the outside from the perspective of someone who is uneducated in the signs, because that is where I was when it all began. Honestly I really didn’t know what to think. All I knew is that the woman that I married and loved was gone. You were reclusive and moody most of the time. All I really wanted to do is just tell you to snap out of it, and I think that I did a couple of times. I thought you had become lazy and selfish. I knew something was wrong, but I thought it was more of a problem with lack of motivation and lack of discipline. It made me angry. After our second daughter was born, I had educated myself. I found that even though I got frustrated with you, I understood. I probably didn’t show it all the time, because I had my own stresses going on with sixty hour work weeks and the hospitalization of our daughter. The hardest part of it all though was watching you hurt. I just wanted so bad for you to be happy and it just didn’t seem to happen.
Looking back, would you agree that the lack of diagnosis/treatment of my first episode compounded my second episode?
Definitely. I actually believe that it just carried over into the second pregnancy. You never really recovered from the first episode. It wasn’t until nearly a year after the birth of Charlotte that I even began to recognize you as the same woman that I married.
You recognized my PP OCD the second time around well before I was able to admit there was a problem. In fact, you even made the call to my OB’s office for initial treatment. What were some of the warning signs that alerted you to the beginnings of this episode?
You had become anti-social. You were sad most of the time. You did a lot of cleaning, and please don’t take this the wrong way because you really are a great housewife, but neither one of us is Mary Poppins when it comes to keeping the house clean. What really tipped me off though was that you just didn’t seem well. You wanted to sleep a lot and you also seemed to snap very easily at the smallest things.
My hospitalization absolutely frightened me but ultimately became the turning point in my recovery. Would you share your memories and feelings surrounding my hospitalization?
Honestly, I was scared to death as well. I didn’t know what I was going to do. I was working sixty hour work weeks with a two year old and newborn at home and I didn’t know how I was going to take care of them. And how would I juggle having to make the hour drive back and forth to the hospital that you were in to bring you the things that you would need and to get milk for Charlotte? I didn’t know how long you would be there. I was really scared. I was also concerned for you. I love you and didn’t want to see you hurting. I was also thankful for the fact that you were getting the help you needed. When you called me at work and told me that you were having intrusive thoughts, I couldn’t get home fast enough. Who knows what the outcome would have been had you not gone to the hospital that day? That thought still crosses my mind today. I am so grateful that you understood the severity of your problem and took the help that was given to you. I think it all goes back to education.
We worked very hard together to prevent PPD after Cameron’s birth. What were some of the differences in how we approached the postpartum period this time around?
Well, I know that you took antidepressants during your pregnancy, but we also had a set of written guidelines as to what to look for and for how we would respond if certain events took place. We tried to educate (there’s that word again) our families about the signs to look for and also what were the right and wrong things to say and do in the event that PPD reared it’s head again. During your second bout with PPD I really think that we were better educated, but our families were not. This caused a lot of tension and strife. With the whole family knowing what to look for, it helped make everyone sympathetic to the situation. Boy do I wish we had that in place when in the throes of your second episode.
What is the biggest lesson you feel you’ve learned from my PP OCD episodes?
I always viewed mental illness as something that happened to other people. I viewed people with mental illness as weird or abnormal. The biggest thing I learned is that mental illness can strike anyone, at any time. I suffer from ADHD, depression and anxiety and would have never sought help with my issues had I not educated myself about yours.
What has it been like to watch me grow from mother suffering from PPD to the PPD Advocate I am today?
First I would like to say how proud I am of you. You have turned adversity into triumph. I have been amazed at the transformation. Most people just take their hard knocks and then move on, but you have taken up a cause and have made a difference in other peoples lives. I am inspired and in awe. I love you and encourage to keep up the great work that you are doing.
Share with us what you find to be most challenging about fatherhood. The Least challenging.
I have always been a rather impatient person. Fatherhood is teaching me patience. That is a challenge since I tend to want instant results. Maybe that is just the ADHD in me. Kids sort of move at their own pace, and I have learned that they are learning all along the way. To rush them along is not only detrimental to their growth and development, but it is also unfair to steal those learning experiences away from them. The least challenging is loving those precious kids. I just can’t seem to get enough of them and can’t give enough hugs and kisses. That is not a challenge at all.
How important do you feel it is to hold onto a sense of self once you become a parent? What are some ways a father can provide some much needed alone time?
You must know who you are before you can help someone else, namely your children, discover who they are. The best way to do that is to have some “me time”. It is very difficult to get when you are a parent between diaper changes and cleaning mud (or other mud like substances) off the walls, but is essential. Sometimes I will stay up late to get some alone time or will go to the store. Don’t forget though that you and your spouse need some time together too. Also, it is ok to ask your wife to take the kids for a few hours while you go get some coffee. Just remember though that you need to provide her with that same luxury as well. Ask the Grandparents to take the kids too. Even if it is just for an hour or two, you and your spouse can have a nice dinner or just go home and work on some of those household projects that you have on your “honey do” list.
And last but not least, if you had one piece of advice to give an expectant father (new or experienced), what would it be?
Educate, educate and when it’s all through educate some more. You can never fully prepare yourself for everything that fatherhood throws at you, but knowing some of what to expect takes a lot of the anxiety away and relieves a lot of the stress on you and your spouses relationship.
Thursday is interview day over at Unexpected Blessing. Today’s interview is with Natalie Dombrowski, Brian’s wife. I thought it would be wonderful if I could start getting both husband and wife to grant interviews and I am happy to start with the Dombrowskis. Natalie has a book coming out, Back to You, that details her Postpartum journey. She also has a project, SPEAK, in which she gives presentations and encourages other moms to speak up about their experience in order to educate others. Brian agreed to answer the interview questions here at Postpartum Dads Project and I am very grateful and honored to be able to share his responses with you. Thank you Brian for being open and for your willingness to let other fathers into your world even if just for a few moments.
Did PPD occur at the birth of your first child? Do you have other children in which PPD did not occur?
Yes PPD occurred at the birth of my first child; it was about five weeks after when my wife was hospitalized. The signs were there all along (knowing that now), but at the time it just seems like Natalie was having a hard time adjusting and I told her that it will be fine and you will get used to it. We have no other children.
How old were you when you child was born? Do you think age was a factor on the PPD or your response?
I was twenty nine when my son was born. As far as age is concerned with PPD; Natalie and I have been talking and noticing that some women that she encounters that had PPD were in their thirties. I am not a doctor but if your mind and body have been the same for thirty years and then you get pregnant which changes a woman’s body in the first place and then throw a traumatic birth into it, I believe that it would be a factor. As far as age in my response; I don’t go by age I go by experience. My response once we knew that Natalie was sick was (let’s get her better). My Dad passed away from a terminal illness and I was very involved with helping my Ma and getting the most information and help he could so that he was comfortable. I know the situation with Natalie and my Dad were different; but I knew how to react and respond.
Are you married or unmarried? Do you think your marital status played a part in the PPD?
Yes we are married. We are in a committed relationship and the wedding vows that I took were “in sickness and health”. To those that are married and hold it sacred there is something about being married because that person is very special and you would never want to see anything wrong with that person and you will do whatever you can to help. That could even be the case with a parent and child. I don’t think that the martial status would change PPD. But I do believe that a woman that has PPD needs someone to support her regardless of who it is.
Were there any special circumstances surrounding birth of child? (ie, NICU, other children with special needs, life events such as death, changing job, moving, etc)
Yes there were special circumstances involved in my sons birth. The doctor broke the water bag to speed up the delivery but my son went to the bathroom inside her. Then his heartbeat was dropping and fluctuating when Natalie started to shake and spiked a very high fever. The doctor and nurse came in and told us our options, wait it out with complications or do an emergency c-section. My response was “what are we waiting for?” It was scary waiting out in that dark hallway wondering what in the world was going on and thought I was going to loose either one of them? He was born and she was unable to see him because she needed to get her fever down, and that was for twenty four hours. I did con the nurses into bringing him in an incubator so she could see him because I saw how upset she was. Both of them were in bad shape for those twenty four hours, he was connected to all these monitors and IV’s and what have you, and Natalie still had a fever. But the next morning it was like a miracle happened and they both had this recovery and were able to be together at last.
Did you seek treatment? What did you find most effective and least effective?
Yes I sought treatment. At first I spoke to our family friend who is a priest then once Natalie was well on her way to recovery I started to see how much it had affected me; so I saw a counselor twice a month for about four months. Having a third party to listen helped me a lot, the counselor really never said too much but stared me in the proper direction to make sense of it all.
Did Faith/Religion play a role in your experience? If so, do you think it was a positive role or negative role? Please explain.
Yes faith played a role. Like I said in the previous question I spoke to a priest because what was going on was surreal. I left my wife of ten months in some hospital; I have a newborn to take care of; I needed to have faith and I knew that he would help me see that things would get better as long as I believed and kept the faith. I had to convince myself of this numerous times, but I never let Natalie know no different “It will get better!”
Did you/will you have additional children after your depressive episode? (Was it/Is it an issue between you and your spouse?)
Natalie and I have talked about having another child, the answer is still pending. I always wanted more than one child but to go thought what happened again, I just don’t think I have it in me. I would never want to see my wife go thought that again. But now that we are educated and aware; if she does become pregnant we will know what signs to look for and how to resolve them and where and how to get help if needed. Communication is vital in this area and you need to be very open; if you do, you don’t or even if you are unsure you need to talk it out! I also remind myself that every situation is different and it will be different experience.
How has PPD affected your marriage? What were the short term impacts and the long term impacts?
Yes PPD affected our marriage. I didn’t realize it at first because when she was in her recovery I forgot about myself and was taking care of her and my son and that was my main priority and that was it. So as Natalie got better I was feeling resentment because I felt that she didn’t appreciate what I did for her, so I got angry. Made an ass out of myself one night at my thirtieth birthday party and started to realize that I had a problem and I was acting out because I knew that she was getting better. About a month later is when I sought help. I learned a lot about my wife through this and I believe that there is good in every situation and you might not know it at the time but you will be able to figure it out someday. It has made our relationship stronger it really tested us but after the dust settled we realized our happiness as husband and wife and as a family with our son.
What lessons did you learn from dealing with PPD that you would like to share with other dads?
The lesson that I could tell a man that is going though this with his wife is listen, keep a very open mind and hold her tight; she needs you now more than ever! You need to be that rock, that shoulder to cry on, and you have to take on many responsibilities; even being mister mom! But you need to take care of yourself also, have someone to talk to, have an outlet because this is affecting you, might not see it or want to admit it, but take care of yourself too; it is not being selfish you need to stay strong for your wife’s recovery.
What helped you cope with PPD and what would you suggest to other dads?
Being very involved from the start of my wife’s recovery helped me cope. I did a lot of research on PPD to help me understand what was going on. Stay educated, have someone to talk to and communicate with your wife because you are both going though this.
Do you have any suggestions for communicating with your wife during this period? Any mistakes you made that others should avoid?
Like I said earlier keep an open mind and heart, you will see an array of emotions. Keep your cool, it is a sickness and your wife needs time to heal. Stay positive things will get better and you must tell her that numerous times a day. Most important is to listen and let her talk, be supportive and communicate with her. Don’t get mad at her, she has a sickness that she could not control, she does appreciate you and all that you do; she might not say it or show it but she will once she has recovered.
Postpartum Dads Project 