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Joel Schwartzberg, author of a new book The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad, opens up about his experience with male postpartum depression in an interview over at The Collective Inkwell.
In April, Newsweek published an article by Joel in which he detailed his experience. He was surprised at the subsequent backlash he received as a result of opening up.
I’d like to commend Joel for opening up and sharing his story. Not many men speak up about depression after childbirth. While women are finally finding their voices (and using them), many men still find themselves in dark when it comes to admitting there are issues associated with the birth of a child. According to Joel, “Fathers are told all the time to just “man up” in the face of conflict, but this is a very invalidating and antiquated perspective. We are still humans, still individuals, and our worlds are no less rocked by parenthood than mothers’ are.”
If you’re a father who has experienced depression after the birth of a child, I want to encourage you to “man up” and open up to let other dads know that it’s ok to feel that way. The more open men are about their emotions and feelings the better off they and their families will be.
Thanks, Joel, for speaking up about such a tough topic.
This past June, Richard Shaw, M.D., a Packard/Stanford Child Psychologist, studied post traumatic stress disorder among parents of premature infants in the Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit. The results showed that regardless of severity of the infant’s condition, all parents showed very similar symptoms. Many of the parents responded to this traumatic beginning by over-compensating for their child’s health by taking the child to the doctor more frequently.
Most notable though, for this blog’s focus, was the results of the father’s response. It seems that at four months the maternal reaction would be balancing out but the father’s response would be hitting the wall. More often than not, the father would have a more intense reaction than Mom. Shaw theorizes the reason for the delayed response is Dad wanting to stay strong for Mom.
This particular piece of research hit home for me. It was at about four months when I was finally putting my life back together but my husband’s own life seemingly crumbled before my eyes. He became increasingly irritable, argumentative, did not want to talk, was using marijuana more and more. He also quit his job just three weeks before our daughter’s cleft palate surgery which was scheduled when she was 5 months old. While I did not yet have the strength to pull it completely together, I found myself having to do so. He sank into a very deep depression and we had to pull each other up even with surgeries swirling around us. Remember that even if the forward progress is slow, it’s forward progress.
The key is to communicate. Let her know you’re struggling. Listen to her concerns. Share your concerns. Many NICU’s across the nation have access to a Social Worker. Ask for support and find out if there is a support group available at the hospital. Peer support is as invaluable as family support. Train family members to care for your special needs child so you and Mom can go out to get coffee. Gradually work your way up to a movie. Some communities have respite care available for worn out parents of special needs children as well. And please don’t forget to ask for in-home nursing.
When you are blessed with a special needs child don’t forget to take extra special care of yourself. Because the healthier you are mentally, the better chance your child has at really thriving in life.
Facing fatherhood can be a pretty daunting experience. Suddenly you’re thrust into the spotlight as you play your role as the happy expectant dad. It’s all good until you get to the hospital and suddenly there’s this screaming little creature in your arms. Mom’s asleep because she just gave birth and is understandably exhausted.
There you are. Just you and the little one. Some dads, just like some moms, are naturals. And then there are the rest of us. Those of us who just don’t know what to do or worry that baby will judge us if we don’t put the diaper on right. (FYI, they won’t. Heck, they won’t even remember!)
Guess what, dads? You’ve got help on your side!
The folks over at the New Fathers Foundation started a program called Boot Camp for New Dads quite some time ago. This program is run by dads for dads. They teach all sorts of cool stuff – from how to take care of baby to how to help mom right after she’s given birth. Guess what? You’re not helpless. There are things you can do to help even if mom is nursing.
You can check out the Boot Camp for Dads website by clicking here. And you can read about some new dads who took the class by clicking here.
You’re not alone. And you’ll do just fine.
Turns out men are less likely to seek help for depression or other light to moderate mental health issues than women. Normally this type of behavior is attributed to cultural differences but this result crossed cultural boundaries. Researchers surmised this behavior may be due to social gender expectations. Men may fear being stigmatized and exposing feminine emotions by seeking out help for mental illness issues. Researchers also discovered professional anchorage may have something to do with the desire for seeking mental health care.
The reason this particular study is so important is because although women have a much higher rate of suicide attempts, men have a much higher rate of successful suicide. If men were more comfortable with seeking help their suicide rate would drop. Men are more likely to use violent and agressive methods of suicide which may account for the vast disparate in completion rates between men and women. Women are also more likely to talk things through with friends and loved ones than men.
The key point to take away here is that if you are male and struggling with depression please seek help. You owe it to yourself, your family and your loved ones. Mental health services exist for everyone and should be completely confidential. If you wonder about your rights as a mental health patient you can click here for a copy of your rights.
NPR recently did a story regarding the effect Depression has on the entire family. This piece led to the discovery of an organization called “Families for Depression Awareness.”
Founded by a woman who’s brother committed suicide after several attempts to get him help, the organization is dedicated to raising depression awareness for family members. They encourage full family involvement in recovery which is something the Postpartum Dads Project also encourages.
One of the family profiles at Families for Depression Awareness centers around Postpartum Depression. You can read it by clicking here.
Whether it’s your wife or yourself struggling with depression after the birth of a child the two of you owe it to your child(ren) to heal and support the struggling partner. This enables your children to see your dedication to your partner and teaches them the invaluable lesson of not giving up when the going gets tough.
Please take a moment to check Families for Depression Awareness. Know that you are not part of the problem even if your wife is shouting, yelling, and arguing with you for no apparent reason. It’s the PPD talking. You are part of the solution. Offer to take the baby. Encourage her to take time for herself. Research about Postpartum Mood & Anxiety Disorders so you better understand what her world is looking like right now.
More than ever, your wife needs you front and center. Her world has crumbled around her and you are her rock. It’s ok for you to be quivering too. Let her know that. Most often I felt better when I knew my husband was struggling too. It let me know I wasn’t alone. I’m not suggesting you lie to her – just be honest about how things are going for you as you travel the long road back to recovery with her. Honest but not accusatory. Honest but not hateful. Honest but not spiteful. Honest and Compassionate. One day she will thank you. It may not be right now. It may not be tomorrow. But she will thank you down the road. And she may or may not cry while doing so.
Postpartum Dads Project 