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It’s dark. You are both collapsed into heaps, this time, you managed to make it to bed. You sigh, close your yes and mutter goodnight into your pillow.
It’s 234 a.m., your wife notes.
“Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
You lift your head and glare at the clock.
It’s 315 a.m.
You shove your face back into your pillow and silently scream.
Really? 46 minutes?
Sighing, you get out of bed to get the baby. Check the diaper. A little wet so you change it. Rock, sing, soothe. Nothing works.
Time to get mommy. She’s got the food.
You walk into the bedroom to wake her up. She sighs, shifts, and snuggles closer to the bed. When you do manage to wake her up, she snaps at you.
“But I JUST nursed! Did you check the diaper? Try to put him back down? I’m tired. I don’t want to…. ”
“Yes. Gimme a little credit. I’m not an idiot. I’ve tried everything. Clearly he’s hungry. You’re nursing so…”
“Dammit. I’ll be there in a minute.” She snuggles back into the bed.
You sigh, loudly, frustrated, knowing it will be a good 30 minutes before she even attempts to get out of bed. She will fall back asleep and you will have this conversation all over again before she finally gets out of bed, cursing you under her breath for interrupting her sleep.
She won’t mean it. She’s exhausted, just like you. And yes, you have work in the morning and should be sleeping but she won’t get to sleep much during the day either. Oh, she may rest, but it won’t be restorative. She’ll nod off while nursing, try to snooze when the baby does, but if the baby is up, she is up. And then there are chores. Dishes. Laundry. Cleaning. Cooking. Possibly other children to care for. Errands. Her job? Never.friggin.ends.
Your job never ends either. It’s hard for her to see that though. What SHE sees is you, walking out the front door toward other adults. Toward freedom. Toward conversation that involves more than a few garbled syllabic words at a time. What SHE sees is you, showered, shaved, dressed in something other than the same pajamas she’s now lived in for two weeks. What SHE feels is jealousy, hatred, sadness, grief. For the most part she knows it’s not rational. Somewhere, deep down, she tries hard not to feel this way. But she’s been moody for weeks now. Snapping at you for the simplest comment or action.
You bring home dinner. It’s not what she wanted but she loudly sighs and announces “It’ll have to do.” You pick up the baby and she watches your every move with him like a hawk, waiting for you to falter. You begin to falter yourself. Are you built for fatherhood? Are you doing things wrong? What if you’re screwing up your kid for life at just 3 months old? What if she never lets you really be a father? How will you ever learn what to do? Will your marriage survive? Where the hell are you?
What she doesn’t know is that as you walk out the front door every morning, your heart hurts. YOU are filled with jealousy because she gets to enjoy every moment with your son. She gets to watch him grow, change, and do new things every day. You mourn your fatherhood as you shower, dress for work. You fumble under her judgmental stares, worrying that your fathering skills are not up to par with her expectations. You’ve asked a million times but you can’t for the life of you get her to tell you what her expectations are for you as a father. What are the rules to this ball game? If you only knew, life would be so much easier. After all, you’re not a mind reader.
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Today’s Just Talking Tuesday is cross-posted with My Postpartum Voice. If you’re a mom, please share here what you wish your husband had known about Postpartum Mood Disorders and parenting. What would have best helped you when you were suffering? If you’re a dad, share over at My Postpartum Voice. What got you and your wife through those dark days? How did you keep communication open if you managed to do so?
Social support is key for recovery from a Postpartum Mood Disorder. The best social support starts at home with your partner. Get them involved and you’ve zoomed forward a zillion spaces on your recovery path.
Let’s get to just talking.
NPR recently did a story regarding the effect Depression has on the entire family. This piece led to the discovery of an organization called “Families for Depression Awareness.”
Founded by a woman who’s brother committed suicide after several attempts to get him help, the organization is dedicated to raising depression awareness for family members. They encourage full family involvement in recovery which is something the Postpartum Dads Project also encourages.
One of the family profiles at Families for Depression Awareness centers around Postpartum Depression. You can read it by clicking here.
Whether it’s your wife or yourself struggling with depression after the birth of a child the two of you owe it to your child(ren) to heal and support the struggling partner. This enables your children to see your dedication to your partner and teaches them the invaluable lesson of not giving up when the going gets tough.
Please take a moment to check Families for Depression Awareness. Know that you are not part of the problem even if your wife is shouting, yelling, and arguing with you for no apparent reason. It’s the PPD talking. You are part of the solution. Offer to take the baby. Encourage her to take time for herself. Research about Postpartum Mood & Anxiety Disorders so you better understand what her world is looking like right now.
More than ever, your wife needs you front and center. Her world has crumbled around her and you are her rock. It’s ok for you to be quivering too. Let her know that. Most often I felt better when I knew my husband was struggling too. It let me know I wasn’t alone. I’m not suggesting you lie to her – just be honest about how things are going for you as you travel the long road back to recovery with her. Honest but not accusatory. Honest but not hateful. Honest but not spiteful. Honest and Compassionate. One day she will thank you. It may not be right now. It may not be tomorrow. But she will thank you down the road. And she may or may not cry while doing so.
by Rex TruLove
Like nearly all marriages, my own started more on faith and unrealistic expectations than on planning and deep thought. It is difficult to think straight when you are in love, after all. Very early on, we both did a lot of talking to each other, which is great. The problem was that a majority of the time was spent talking and not listening.
One very good thing came out of those early talking sessions, and it happened to be during one of the few times we were both actually listening to each other. We decided that we should share equally in the marriage. Everything was to be divided equally. There was no need for a prenuptial agreement because we are both honest people.
Communication in Marriage
What does all of this have to do with housework? Well, like a typical male, I thought that housework was a snap. Yard work, on the other hand, was hard sweaty work. However the agreement we made meant that my wife would have to share in the yard work and I’d have to share in the housework.
Things were all in my favor, gents! All I had to do is a few dishes, a few minutes of dusting, and maybe sweep a room, and then I could sit down and watch the old TV box, right? Not even close.
Postpartum Dads Project 