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Dear Non-Believers:
This past week you have frantically scurried about the Internet from website to website, trolling and tweeting reactions to each story in regards to Dr. James F. Paulson’s study about Paternal Prenatal and Postnatal Depression. The Wall-Street Journal, CNN, The NY Times, you name it, you have been there to broadcast your point of view. And praise God we live in a country in which we can do so without fear of persecution!
You have been discursive, doltish, dismissive, disrespectful, and disheartening. Your dedication to refuting this news is mind-numbingly astounding. The diversity of the comments has been absolutely amazing. It is mind-boggling how truly open-minded the internet has made you. You are passionate about episiotomies and woman giving birth vaginally. You know everything there is to know about hormones and their relation to Postpartum Depression for women. And clearly you know more than the researchers because according to you, the cause of Paternal Postnatal Depression is due to sleep deprivation, lack of sexual gratification from a woman who’s just given birth, and jealousy of all the attention showered on the new baby.
Parenthood is tough. Get over it, you have so sagely said over and over again in a myriad of ways to all the depressed dads out there. I bet you know at least 10 dads. Well guess what? At least one of them is depressed. Can you tell who? I am willing to guess no, no you cannot. Do you want to apologize to him for whatever it was that you said at the CNN website? No?
Let me apologize for you. And then let me say something very important to you for him.
I forgive you.
I.forgive.YOU.
Because one day you may be the one person who finds themselves in the arena staring down a big bad ass bull named Depression. And guess what? That bull doesn’t just politely knock on your door, shrug it’s shoulders when you say it’s not a good time. No, no no, that bull is a bit more like a SWAT team with a battering ram. He’s coming into your life whether you like it or not. And his ass is staying. You’ll be lucky if you have anything left standing by the time he’s done with your place. And I can guarantee you won’t appreciate the renovation. It’s loud. Deafening. Especially at 2am when you so desperately want to be asleep but instead you are up bawling your eyes out with Junior who is convinced it is time to play with his jungle gym mat. There is no greater sense of loneliness anywhere on the planet than to be a depressed parent. NONE! Everything you thought you were, thought you held dear, thought you could once be – gone. Broken into pieces so tiny it will be impossible to rebuild. But somehow you will. Somehow you will pick yourself up off that damned floor (once the bull has left the building, that is), survey the wreckage and be forced to make a decision.
Will you let yourself shatter?
OR
Will you cling to the walls for support until you find a hand reaching out? Will you take that hand, take a deep breath and rebuild? Will you let the terror and fear fade? Will you be man enough to dig yourself out of this hell? Man enough to take care of yourself and want to BE there for your family? Man enough to walk away from the darkness now surrounding you and slowly creeping toward your family?
Well? Will you?
The kicker is that you will not know the answer to these questions until your Bull comes bursting into your life.
May you never meet him.
But in the meantime, do not judge those of us who have. For we, WE have fought the good fight. We have been through hell. We have pulled ourselves through it. Some of us lost our battle. But those of us who are still here have learned valuable lessons we want to pass on to other fathers. We want to share. We want to speak up. We do not muzzle ourselves because of ignorance, mis-information, and judgment.
We deserve to be heard. We deserve compassion. We deserve not to be called “girly men” because we had depression and cried.
Because it’s okay for a man to cry. It’s okay for a man to seek help. It’s okay. It’s OKAY.
Being a man isn’t all about swilling beer, football, hockey, basketball or any other kind of ball.
Once you have a family, it’s about taking care of them. And in order to take good care of your family, you must first take good care of yourself no matter what the cost.
Being a father means being present. It means reading to your kids, it means playing with your kids, it means providing companionship and love to your wife, and contributing overall to caring for the household. You cannot do any of those things if you are depressed and choose not to seek help.
When you judge a man for depression you drive a stake between he and his family. When you judge a man for crying, you cut off a source of release for him. When you judge a man for seeking therapy, you might as well be writing him off altogether.
Please, don’t judge.
I dare you to care. I dare you to ask how that new dad in your life is feeling. Ask if he’s overwhelmed. Ask how you can help. Not when, not let me know – but how. And then follow through. Be present. Encourage self-care. Support new families. It doesn’t take much.
In fact, if everyone would pour as much energy into supporting new parents as they did tearing them down for feeling down, I think we might have a fighting chance at beating this.
Warmest,
Lauren Hale
Postpartum OCD Survivor (2X)
Wife to a Paternal Postnatal Depression Survivor
Postpartum Advocate & Peer Supporter
The May 19, 2010 edition of the Journal of American Medical Association will include research from Dr. James F. Paulson, Ph.D of Eastern Virginia Medical School examining the rates of Paternal Prenatal and Postnatal depression and it’s correlation with Maternal Depression.
After researching 43 studies involving over 28,000 participants fitting their parameters, Dr. James F. Paulson and associate researcher Sharnail D. Bazemore, MS, drew the conclusion that more than 1 in 10 new dads struggle with depression within 3 to 6 months of becoming a father. Interestingly, Paulson and Bazemore included studies examining depression in fathers as early as the first trimester of a pregnancy of a partner. The studies spanned from 1980 to 2009, nearly 20 years of research.
Prenatal and Postnatal Depression was determined to be present in 10% of the cases studied. Postnatal depression spiked between a 3-6 month period and seemed to correlate with a maternal experience of Postnatal Depression
Other mentions of this research across the web today include:
Joel Schwartzberg @ Huffington Post : Postpartum Depression in Men: One Dad’s Story
Joanne Silberner with NPR: Study Finds Dads Suffer Postpartum Depression, Too (There will also be an on-air version tonight on the program All Things Considered. Audio will be available at 7pm ET or shortly thereafter)
Megan Brooks with Reuters: Dads get postpartum depression too: study
Good Morning America Segment via ABC: Postpartum Depression for New Fathers
Depression in men surrounding pregnancy and infancy is rarely discussed. But if the numbers for this research proves to be right, the rate at which these dads are struggling is higher than those of women with depression. While the basis may not be biological as recent research with maternal depression is proving, there is indeed something going on with new dads that needs further exploring.
Perhaps most notable of this research is that Dr. Paulson is an associate professor in Pediatrics. I applaud Dr. Paulson for recognizing the importance of Parental Depression in the lives of our children and hope more pediatric specialists including practitioners and researchers alike would become more involved in helping parents struggling with depression heal.
If you or a new father you love may be struggling with depression during the pregnancy of or the birth of your child, there is help. Dr. William Courtenay runs the Postpartum Men website. There you can find information on symptoms, resources, and a message board to connect with other struggling dads. There is no shame in speaking up. You owe it to yourself, to your child, to your family. You are not alone.
This past week, the country of Germany mourned the death of footballer Robert Enke. Details were sketchy at first but as they emerged, the portrait of a man so shaken by the dark stigma of depression he felt he had nowhere to escape to but to the arms of death became tragically clear.
In 2003, Enke was first treated for depression. 2006 saw the loss of his natural daughter to a rare heart condition. Yet still he refused treatment even as the son of a sports psychologist, carrying knowledge with him that help was within arms reach. His wife even stepped in to help with transporting him to training. She rallied around him to help him heal as they journeyed forward after the death of their natural born daughter. Eventually they adopted another daughter. The adoption brought with it a common fear faced by many adoptive parents. Enke feared losing custody of their new child, spurring new excuses for Enke to remain silent. He could not bear the thought of losing yet another child.
Post Adoption Depression Syndrome (PADS) is not as uncommon as one would think. It is certainly not uncommon given the history Enke had behind him although any adoptive parent faces the risk of developing PADS after adoption. According “Post Adoption Depression – The Unacknowledged Hazard” by Harriet White McCarthy over at Adoption Article Directory, 65% of parents she polled admitted to experiencing Post Adoption Depression but sadly, only 8% of these same parents had even been told about the possibility of PADS. This leaves an unacceptable 58% gap of uninformed parents.
While not as severe as some of the Postpartum Mood Disorders birth parents may experience, PADS is not something to be ignored either. Contributing factors can be unexpected coping behaviors from children as a result of abandonment or neglect, lack of instant bonding, medical complications, language barriers and lack of not taking enough time to adjust to the adoption. Natural parents may typically take anywhere from two to six weeks to adjust to the birth of a child. Adoptive parents should take the same amount of time to help alleviate the stress of the life change as well as cope with the additional stress of any travel associated with their adoption. It is not natural to expect to pick up your child on a Saturday only to return to work on Monday. Time should be allowed for bonding and family development and in this author’s honest opinion, even more time should be allowed for adoptive parents.
One of the biggest barriers to treatment for Post Adoption Depression Syndrome is the fear of losing custody of the child for which these parents have fought so hard to push through. Essentially these are parents who have literally applied for the job and gone through several hoops while seeking approval. To admit depression is to admit failure – much as if someone were to apply for a job, get the phone call, go into work and realize they were in way over their head. In the corporate world that wouldn’t go over well.
In the footballer’s world, admission of failure either physical or mental is also a big blow. The fans in this sport are harsh and would tear a player apart if he weren’t the perfect picture of both mental and physical strength. Beyond the loss of his first daughter, his previous issues with depression and his fear of losing his second daughter because of his depression, Enke also carried the weight of portraying a perfectly strong man to the world outside his door. Tragically it turned out to be too much for him to handle on his own.
Men are expected to be indestructible pillars of strength and often doubly so once fatherhood zooms into the picture. It is okay to not know what you are doing. It is okay to ask for help. In fact, knowing when to ask for help is a sign of courage.
Enke’s suicide note indicated he had withheld information from his loved ones and caregivers during the last few weeks of his life so he could carry out his plan. If you or a loved one are thinking of suicide, please call a suicide hotline and talk to someone. If you think you may see signs of suicide in a loved one or even in yourself, click here for a list of signs. Remember, not all signs have to be present in order for suicide to be a possibility. Also be particularly watchful as a loved one begins to heal from depression. Often it is when they begin to improve that suicide occurs because they are finally well enough to carry out their plans. It is also important to note here that men are four times more likely to be successful with suicide attempts than women despite making less attempts, according to Dr. Thomas Insel over at Depression: Out of the Shadows Ask an Expert.
Whether it’s a Postpartum Mood Disorder, Post Adoption Depression Syndrome, Paternal Postnatal Depression or just regular depression, remember that there is hope. There is light. There is another way out. You deserve hope. You deserve light. You deserve to live all the days of your life to the fullest. Do not continue to suffer alone. Reach out for help. It’s only a question away.
Back in April, Newsweek published an article by a dad who had experienced depression after the birth of his son. This dad’s name is Joel Schwartzberg. He’s got a new book out, The 40 Year old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad. After a recent interview on a blog I regularly read, The Collective Inkwell, I snagged him for an interview here. I hope you’ll enjoy his honesty, his wisdom, and his strength.
Thanks for sharing, Joel.
Tell us a little about Joel Schwartzberg, the guy. What would he be doing on a typical Friday night if he had it to himself?
I’m all about comfort, so it wouldn’t be much different from how I’d spend it with my wife and our five cats: relaxing on our soft couch, checking email, watching reruns of “Law & Order” and eating something delicious she made. Though, to be fair, if I was by myself you’d have to substitute a slice of eggplant parmigiana pizza for my wife’s inspired cooking. It’s not exactly glamorous, but it is me.
In your Newsweek article, Slouching Towards Fatherhood, you open up about your depression after the birth of your son. In the piece you mention a realization of depression years after it occurred. How did this realization put life as a father into perspective for you?
Realizing I had suffered from depression (and wasn’t just a naturally “bad dad”) gave me the inspiration and confidence to rebuild my personal dadhood from scratch. Before then, I felt paternally-challenged, handicapped as a dad, a total fathering failure. Now, as I define my dadhood based on my own standards and expectations, I don’t fear failure. Parents are not perfect; failure is a crucial part of the process of becoming a better parent.
Depression looks different when it happens to a guy after the birth of a child. What did depression look like for you? What are some signs and symptoms other men and their loved ones should learn to recognize? What can partners do to help if a loved one is sinking into a deep depression?
The clearest symptom of my depression was the way I grasped desperately for moments of self-indulgence, most often with food. I would savor opportunities to leave the house “on an errand” and get big fat cheeseburgers. I think I outpaced my son 10-1 in terms of weight gain that month alone. Eating fast food was a secret; it even felt like cheating, but it also felt like one of the few parts of my individual identity that wasn’t obliterated by parenthood. When men start keeping secrets from their partners, something is amiss in the relationship; someone’s needs are not getting met.
I’m not a psychologist, but my advice for women partners is to understand that some men need to retain a semblance of their pre-parenthood lives, and that need should be supported and nurtured as much as possible, as well as openly discussed. Also, a marriage needs to be pro-actively preserved, not martyred, as it gets rocked by the wrecking ball of sudden parenthood.
The perpetuated myth of the typical male as a stalwart statue resounds pretty deeply within the modern psyche. Have you experienced any backlash as a result of sharing your experience with depression? How have you coped with those who have harshly judged your experience?
Depression in men — dads in particular — is often taken as a sign of weakness and cowardice. People have told me I needed to just “man up”, but I think it takes a lot of courage to admit vulnerability, and dealing with emotions openly is ultimately healthier than burying them. I’ve had people call me some pretty nasty things, but just as many men and women have approached me with similar stories, and found my writing to be “gutsy.”
I feared a backlash from women with PPD because women have a biological, umbilical connection to their kids; Dads just have to hold on tight. So who are we to claim post-partum depression? But women who’d suffered from PPD had some of the most supportive responses to my writing.
My reaction to those who called me a “crybaby”, “weak,” and a “terrible excuse for a man” is simply to say: I had difficulty accepting sudden fatherhood — the biggest upheaval in life — and I’m owning up to it. I also overcame it, love my children, and have a great relationship with them now.
This goes against the grain because it doesn’t fall into one of the top three father stereotypes: Deadbeat (Gosselin), Lazy (Romano) and Super-Dad (Cosby); the guilt of not living up to that last impossible expectation can be really destructive, but slipping into a lazy parenting role is also a disservice and a missed opportunity to
connect with your kids in a really meaningful way.
It’s my current wonderful and honest relationship with my kids that gives me faith that I’m doing the right thing as their father. I’m a more genuine dad for having been completely honest with myself.
List three things which made you smile or laugh today.
1. A news report about a stray cat that was stuck under the hood of a
car during a long road trip, but survived and escaped injury. I’m sure
it had a grudge; I believe cats are the only animals capable of
holding grudges.
2. Having my mechanic not only look at my flat tire without an
appointment, but also shuttle me to the train station so I wouldn’t
have to walk in the cold.
3. Getting handed a slice of mud pie for a colleague’s birthday party.
I love office parties.
As a result of the depressive episodes both my husband and I experienced after the birth of our second daughter, we have begun to talk with our children about depression in an age-appropriate manner. Have you spoken with your oldest son about depression yet? If not, do you think you will in the future and what do you see that conversation including?
I’m very fortunate that my kids are very bright and open with their emotions, so we talk about a full range of feelings. They’re too young to grasp the concept of clinical depression, but they understand confusion, sadness, and frustration very well, as we deal with those feelings almost every time I see them.
I don’t plan on advertising my depression to them, but I hope when they’re old enough to read and understand that essay in particular, they’ll see the value in being honest with oneself, and how writing can play a part in that process.
I do talk to them openly about anger-management – both theirs and mine. These discussions help me help them, and help them see me as a complete human, not just as a parent. I think it’s good for older children to see their parents as people, not just parents.
At the Postpartum Dads Project we believe Postpartum Mood Disorders are a WHOLE family thing. What kind of support, if any, did you have during your depression after the birth of your son? How do you think your level of support at the time affected your recovery? What can new dads do to build a supportive network around themselves?
My ex-wife is a psychologist and quickly diagnosed me as having PTSD following my son’s birth. It’s certainly possible I had PTSD, but my main problem in those early days was the decimation of my identity. I coped with that by draping myself in denial – which in retrospect only extended my depression.
I’m not the type of person to have a close circle of friends, and I wasn’t honest enough with myself or others to make use of that kind of support system anyway. My parents are very “right and wrong” kind of parents, so I did not turn to them either. Ultimately, it took time, therapy, and – frankly — divorce for me to recover.
I feel new dads really need to share experiences, not just advice, with each other. One of the reasons I wrote the book was because it was something I needed when I got divorced. Finding legal tips online was easy; getting comfort less so. With no divorce whatsoever in my family history, I needed to know I wasn’t alone.
I’m still inspired by other dads who talk about their difficulty with sudden parenthood – sometimes they whisper it to me. What we need is compassion and understanding.
Your depression ultimately led to your divorce. Would you share with our readers what the inside of a divorce looks like? What helped you survive and thrive during this difficult time?
My depression definitely made me harder to live with, but — to my eyes — my ex wife’s abandonment of our marriage for parenthood caused the divorce. While our actual separation was fairly calm, the inside of a legal divorce is an ugly place where justice and fairness collides with feelings and justifications, but the outside can be peaceful if the two parties realize that civility does not require agreement or even understanding.
My kids actually helped me cope with the divorce by showing love for me as an individual, outside our former family context. When they live with me, it makes me feel like a father. And that’s a wonderful, fulfilling feeling.
What is your absolute favorite thing about fatherhood? Share with us a quick story about one of the funniest things one of your kids has done.
My favorite thing to do with my kids – and the least expensive — is go to Kmart. They hang on to the big red shopping carts while I take sharp turns, go on shopping list scavenger hunts, stack bottles of Dad’s favorite black cherry sparkling water, gawk at the massive display of Halloween costumes, and run up the down escalators. It never gets old.
Last but not least, let’s say you have just a split second to give some advice to a struggling new dad before he jumps in a cab. What would you tell him?
Be the dad you are, not the dad people in your life or in your television expect you to be.
1) Tell us a little about Joel Schwartzberg, the guy. What would he be
doing on a typical Friday night if he had it to himself?
doing on a typical Friday night if he had it to himself?
I’m all about comfort, so it wouldn’t be much different from how I’d
spend it with my wife and our five cats: relaxing on our soft couch,
checking email, watching reruns of “Law & Order” and eating something
delicious she made. Though, to be fair, if I was by myself you’d have
to substitute a slice of eggplant parmigiana pizza for my wife’s
inspired cooking. It’s not exactly glamorous, but it is me.
2) In your Newsweek article, Slouching Towards Fatherhood, you open up
about your depression after the birth of your son. In the piece you
mention a realization of depression years after it occurred. How did
this realization put life as a father into perspective for you?
Realizing I had suffered from depression (and wasn’t just a naturally
“bad dad”) gave me the inspiration and confidence to rebuild my
personal dadhood from scratch. Before then, I felt
paternally-challenged, handicapped as a dad, a total fathering
failure. Now, as I define my dadhood based on my own standards and
expectations, I don’t fear failure. Parents are not perfect; failure
is a crucial part of the process of becoming a better parent.
3) Depression looks different when it happens to a guy after the birth
of a child. What did depression look like for you? What are some signs
and symptoms other men and their loved ones should learn to recognize?
What can partners do to help if a loved one is sinking into a deep
depression?
The clearest symptom of my depression was the way I grasped
desperately for moments of self-indulgence, most often with food. I
would savor opportunities to leave the house “on an errand” and get
big fat cheeseburgers. I think I outpaced my son 10-1 in terms of
weight gain that month alone. Eating fast food was a secret; it even
felt like cheating, but it also felt like one of the few parts of my
individual identity that wasn’t obliterated by parenthood. When men
start keeping secrets from their partners, something is amiss in the
relationship; someone’s needs are not getting met.
I’m not a psychologist, but my advice for women partners is to
understand that some men need to retain a semblance of their
pre-parenthood lives, and that need should be supported and nurtured
as much as possible, as well as openly discussed. Also, a marriage
needs to be proactively preserved, not martyred, as it gets rocked by
the wrecking ball of sudden parenthood.
4) The perpetuated myth of the typical male as a stalwart statue
resounds pretty deeply within the modern psyche. Have you experienced
any backlash as a result of sharing your experience with depression?
How have you coped with those who have harshly judged your experience?
Depression in men — dads in particular — is often taken as a sign of
weakness and cowardice. People have told me I needed to just “man up”,
but I think it takes a lot of courage to admit vulnerability, and
dealing with emotions openly is ultimately healthier than burying
them. I’ve had people call me some pretty nasty things, but just as
many men and women have approached me with similar stories, and found
my writing to be “gutsy.”
I feared a backlash from women with PPD because women have a
biological, umbilical connection to their kids; Dads just have to hold
on tight. So who are we to claim post-partum depression? But women
who’d suffered from PPD had some of the most supportive responses to
my writing.
My reaction to those who called me a “crybaby”, “weak,” and a
“terrible excuse for a man” is simply to say: I had difficulty
accepting sudden fatherhood — the biggest upheaval in life — and
I’m owning up to it. I also overcame it, love my children, and have a
great relationship with them now.
This goes against the grain because it doesn’t fall into one of the
top three father stereotypes: Deadbeat (Gosselin), Lazy (Romano) and
Super-Dad (Cosby); the guilt of not living up to that last impossible
expectation can be really destructive, but slipping into a lazy
parenting role is also a disservice and a missed opportunity to
connect with your kids in a really meaningful way.
It’s my current wonderful and honest relationship with my kids that
gives me faith that I’m doing the right thing as their father. I’m a
more genuine dad for having been completely honest with myself.
5) List three things which made you smile or laugh today.
1. A news report about a stray cat that was stuck under the hood of a
car during a long road trip, but survived and escaped injury. I’m sure
it had a grudge; I believe cats are the only animals capable of
holding grudges.
2. Having my mechanic not only look at my flat tire without an
appointment, but also shuttle me to the train station so I wouldn’t
have to walk in the cold.
3. Getting handed a slice of mud pie for a colleague’s birthday party.
I love office parties.
6) As a result of the depressive episodes both my husband and I
experienced after the birth of our second daughter, we have begun to
talk with our children about depression in an age-appropriate manner.
Have you spoken with your oldest son about depression yet? If not, do
you think you will in the future and what do you see that conversation
including?
I’m very fortunate that my kids are very bright and open with their
emotions, so we talk about a full range of feelings. They’re too young
to grasp the concept of clinical depression, but they understand
confusion, sadness, and frustration very well, as we deal with those
feelings almost every time I see them.
I don’t plan on advertising my depression to them, but I hope when
they’re old enough to read and understand that essay in particular,
they’ll see the value in being honest with oneself, and how writing
can play a part in that process.
I do talk to them openly about anger-management – both theirs and
mine. These discussions help me help them, and help them see me as a
complete human, not just as a parent. I think it’s good for older
children to see their parents as people, not just parents.
7) At the Postpartum Dads Project we believe Postpartum Mood Disorders
are a WHOLE family thing. What kind of support, if any, did you have
during your depression after the birth of your son? How do you think
your level of support at the time affected your recovery? What can new
dads do to build a supportive network around themselves?
My ex-wife is a psychologist and quickly diagnosed me as having PTSD
following my son’s birth. It’s certainly possible I had PTSD, but my
main problem in those early days was the decimation of my identity. I
coped with that by draping myself in denial – which in retrospect only
extended my depression.
I’m not the type of person to have a close circle of friends, and I
wasn’t honest enough with myself or others to make use of that kind of
support system anyway. My parents are very “right and wrong” kind of
parents, so I did not turn to them either. Ultimately, it took time,
therapy, and – frankly — divorce for me to recover.
I feel new dads really need to share experiences, not just advice,
with each other. One of the reasons I wrote the book was because it
was something I needed when I got divorced. Finding legal tips online
was easy; getting comfort less so. With no divorce whatsoever in my
family history, I needed to know I wasn’t alone.
I’m still inspired by other dads who talk about their difficulty with
sudden parenthood – sometimes they whisper it to me. What we need is
compassion and understanding.
8) Your depression ultimately led to your divorce. Would you share
with our readers what the inside of a divorce looks like? What helped
you survive and thrive during this difficult time?
My depression definitely made me harder to live with, but — to my
eyes — my ex wife’s abandonment of our marriage for parenthood caused
the divorce. While our actual separation was fairly calm, the inside
of a legal divorce is an ugly place where justice and fairness
collides with feelings and justifications, but the outside can be
peaceful if the two parties realize that civility does not require
agreement or even understanding.
My kids actually helped me cope with the divorce by showing love for
me as an individual, outside our former family context. When they live
with me, it makes me feel like a father. And that’s a wonderful,
fulfilling feeling.
9) What is your absolute favorite thing about fatherhood? Share with
us a quick story about one of the funniest things one of your kids has
done.
My favorite thing to do with my kids – and the least expensive — is
go to Kmart. They hang on to the big red shopping carts while I take
sharp turns, go on shopping list scavenger hunts, stack bottles of
Dad’s favorite black cherry sparkling water, gawk at the massive
display of Halloween costumes, and run up the down escalators. It
never gets old.
10) Last but not least, let’s say you have just a split second to give
some advice to a struggling new dad before he jumps in a cab. What
would you tell him?
Be the dad you are, not the dad people in your life or in your
television expect you to be.1) Tell us a little about Joel Schwartzberg, the guy. What would he be
doing on a typical Friday night if he had it to himself?
I’m all about comfort, so it wouldn’t be much different from how I’d
spend it with my wife and our five cats: relaxing on our soft couch,
checking email, watching reruns of “Law & Order” and eating something
delicious she made. Though, to be fair, if I was by myself you’d have
to substitute a slice of eggplant parmigiana pizza for my wife’s
inspired cooking. It’s not exactly glamorous, but it is me.
2) In your Newsweek article, Slouching Towards Fatherhood, you open up
about your depression after the birth of your son. In the piece you
mention a realization of depression years after it occurred. How did
this realization put life as a father into perspective for you?
Realizing I had suffered from depression (and wasn’t just a naturally
“bad dad”) gave me the inspiration and confidence to rebuild my
personal dadhood from scratch. Before then, I felt
paternally-challenged, handicapped as a dad, a total fathering
failure. Now, as I define my dadhood based on my own standards and
expectations, I don’t fear failure. Parents are not perfect; failure
is a crucial part of the process of becoming a better parent.
3) Depression looks different when it happens to a guy after the birth
of a child. What did depression look like for you? What are some signs
and symptoms other men and their loved ones should learn to recognize?
What can partners do to help if a loved one is sinking into a deep
depression?
The clearest symptom of my depression was the way I grasped
desperately for moments of self-indulgence, most often with food. I
would savor opportunities to leave the house “on an errand” and get
big fat cheeseburgers. I think I outpaced my son 10-1 in terms of
weight gain that month alone. Eating fast food was a secret; it even
felt like cheating, but it also felt like one of the few parts of my
individual identity that wasn’t obliterated by parenthood. When men
start keeping secrets from their partners, something is amiss in the
relationship; someone’s needs are not getting met.
I’m not a psychologist, but my advice for women partners is to
understand that some men need to retain a semblance of their
pre-parenthood lives, and that need should be supported and nurtured
as much as possible, as well as openly discussed. Also, a marriage
needs to be proactively preserved, not martyred, as it gets rocked by
the wrecking ball of sudden parenthood.
4) The perpetuated myth of the typical male as a stalwart statue
resounds pretty deeply within the modern psyche. Have you experienced
any backlash as a result of sharing your experience with depression?
How have you coped with those who have harshly judged your experience?
Depression in men — dads in particular — is often taken as a sign of
weakness and cowardice. People have told me I needed to just “man up”,
but I think it takes a lot of courage to admit vulnerability, and
dealing with emotions openly is ultimately healthier than burying
them. I’ve had people call me some pretty nasty things, but just as
many men and women have approached me with similar stories, and found
my writing to be “gutsy.”
I feared a backlash from women with PPD because women have a
biological, umbilical connection to their kids; Dads just have to hold
on tight. So who are we to claim post-partum depression? But women
who’d suffered from PPD had some of the most supportive responses to
my writing.
My reaction to those who called me a “crybaby”, “weak,” and a
“terrible excuse for a man” is simply to say: I had difficulty
accepting sudden fatherhood — the biggest upheaval in life — and
I’m owning up to it. I also overcame it, love my children, and have a
great relationship with them now.
This goes against the grain because it doesn’t fall into one of the
top three father stereotypes: Deadbeat (Gosselin), Lazy (Romano) and
Super-Dad (Cosby); the guilt of not living up to that last impossible
expectation can be really destructive, but slipping into a lazy
parenting role is also a disservice and a missed opportunity to
connect with your kids in a really meaningful way.
It’s my current wonderful and honest relationship with my kids that
gives me faith that I’m doing the right thing as their father. I’m a
more genuine dad for having been completely honest with myself.
5) List three things which made you smile or laugh today.
1. A news report about a stray cat that was stuck under the hood of a
car during a long road trip, but survived and escaped injury. I’m sure
it had a grudge; I believe cats are the only animals capable of
holding grudges.
2. Having my mechanic not only look at my flat tire without an
appointment, but also shuttle me to the train station so I wouldn’t
have to walk in the cold.
3. Getting handed a slice of mud pie for a colleague’s birthday party.
I love office parties.
6) As a result of the depressive episodes both my husband and I
experienced after the birth of our second daughter, we have begun to
talk with our children about depression in an age-appropriate manner.
Have you spoken with your oldest son about depression yet? If not, do
you think you will in the future and what do you see that conversation
including?
I’m very fortunate that my kids are very bright and open with their
emotions, so we talk about a full range of feelings. They’re too young
to grasp the concept of clinical depression, but they understand
confusion, sadness, and frustration very well, as we deal with those
feelings almost every time I see them.
I don’t plan on advertising my depression to them, but I hope when
they’re old enough to read and understand that essay in particular,
they’ll see the value in being honest with oneself, and how writing
can play a part in that process.
I do talk to them openly about anger-management – both theirs and
mine. These discussions help me help them, and help them see me as a
complete human, not just as a parent. I think it’s good for older
children to see their parents as people, not just parents.
7) At the Postpartum Dads Project we believe Postpartum Mood Disorders
are a WHOLE family thing. What kind of support, if any, did you have
during your depression after the birth of your son? How do you think
your level of support at the time affected your recovery? What can new
dads do to build a supportive network around themselves?
My ex-wife is a psychologist and quickly diagnosed me as having PTSD
following my son’s birth. It’s certainly possible I had PTSD, but my
main problem in those early days was the decimation of my identity. I
coped with that by draping myself in denial – which in retrospect only
extended my depression.
I’m not the type of person to have a close circle of friends, and I
wasn’t honest enough with myself or others to make use of that kind of
support system anyway. My parents are very “right and wrong” kind of
parents, so I did not turn to them either. Ultimately, it took time,
therapy, and – frankly — divorce for me to recover.
I feel new dads really need to share experiences, not just advice,
with each other. One of the reasons I wrote the book was because it
was something I needed when I got divorced. Finding legal tips online
was easy; getting comfort less so. With no divorce whatsoever in my
family history, I needed to know I wasn’t alone.
I’m still inspired by other dads who talk about their difficulty with
sudden parenthood – sometimes they whisper it to me. What we need is
compassion and understanding.
8) Your depression ultimately led to your divorce. Would you share
with our readers what the inside of a divorce looks like? What helped
you survive and thrive during this difficult time?
My depression definitely made me harder to live with, but — to my
eyes — my ex wife’s abandonment of our marriage for parenthood caused
the divorce. While our actual separation was fairly calm, the inside
of a legal divorce is an ugly place where justice and fairness
collides with feelings and justifications, but the outside can be
peaceful if the two parties realize that civility does not require
agreement or even understanding.
My kids actually helped me cope with the divorce by showing love for
me as an individual, outside our former family context. When they live
with me, it makes me feel like a father. And that’s a wonderful,
fulfilling feeling.
9) What is your absolute favorite thing about fatherhood? Share with
us a quick story about one of the funniest things one of your kids has
done.
My favorite thing to do with my kids – and the least expensive — is
go to Kmart. They hang on to the big red shopping carts while I take
sharp turns, go on shopping list scavenger hunts, stack bottles of
Dad’s favorite black cherry sparkling water, gawk at the massive
display of Halloween costumes, and run up the down escalators. It
never gets old.
10) Last but not least, let’s say you have just a split second to give
some advice to a struggling new dad before he jumps in a cab. What
would you tell him?
Be the dad you are, not the dad people in your life or in your
television expect you to be.
Joel Schwartzberg, author of a new book The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad, opens up about his experience with male postpartum depression in an interview over at The Collective Inkwell.
In April, Newsweek published an article by Joel in which he detailed his experience. He was surprised at the subsequent backlash he received as a result of opening up.
I’d like to commend Joel for opening up and sharing his story. Not many men speak up about depression after childbirth. While women are finally finding their voices (and using them), many men still find themselves in dark when it comes to admitting there are issues associated with the birth of a child. According to Joel, “Fathers are told all the time to just “man up” in the face of conflict, but this is a very invalidating and antiquated perspective. We are still humans, still individuals, and our worlds are no less rocked by parenthood than mothers’ are.”
If you’re a father who has experienced depression after the birth of a child, I want to encourage you to “man up” and open up to let other dads know that it’s ok to feel that way. The more open men are about their emotions and feelings the better off they and their families will be.
Thanks, Joel, for speaking up about such a tough topic.
A Newsweek Web Exclusive published April 7 features an interview with Dr. Will Courtenay, an expert in the field of Men’s depression. The article is in Q&A format. Dr. Courtenay skillfully addresses the differences in depression symptoms for men as well as risk factors involved in the development of depression in new dads.
Vin Diesel, a force to be reckoned with in the Action flick world, has just opened up about fatherhood. And he’s one of those glowing new dads. Awesome for him!
Vin says, “It’s changed my life and everything that falls under that umbrella. You can’t pull me away from my house as easily as you used to, because I’ve got a nine-month-old thing on me and it’s heaven. I love it. I love being a dad. I’m a changed man.”
I’m happy for him.
photo by jeffbalke @ flickr
But what if you’re not a Glowing Dad? What if you’re feeling down and aren’t able to cope with being around your kid and can’t be pulled TO your house unless you’re kicking and screaming? What do you do then?
The folks over at the Irish Independent have a terrific Q&A on How to cope when it’s the man who is suffering from post-natal depression. While written from a European point of view, the article itself includes a solid list of symptoms and courses of actions easily translated into the American medical system.
You can also seek support from Dr. Will Courtenay over at Postpartum Men. At his site you will find signs and symtpoms, an assesment, and an online forum where you can connect with other fathers struggling with similar issues. You are not alone.
Postpartum Support International also started a weekly support call for dads today. This support call is hosted by experts (tonight it was Dr. Courtenay), is limited to the first 15 callers, and you are not required to say anything or even let them know your real name. Instructions on participating can be found here.
This morning at the Great Dad blog, there’s a post about Knowing more about Postpartum Depression in men. The blog is an offshoot of the Great Dad website, a site dedicated to all things dad. Check both of them out!
Photo by Jacob Johan (courtesy of flickr)
As if coping with a Postpartum Mood Disorder or Paternal Postntal Depression isn’t enough, now you’ve got an older toddler who knows just enough to perceive the new creature in the house as a threat to their precious time with Mommy or Daddy but not enough to deal with it in a positive manner. How do you handle this new development? With lots of love, attention, and involvement.
Make sure your older child knows how much he/she is loved. Don’t just tell them though, show them. Kids are big on actions over words. (Shouldn’t we all be, though?) This is where the attention and involvment come into play.
Set aside at least a minimum of 10 minutes every few hours to spend exclusively with your older child. Allow them to pick the activity and focus on them during this time.
Prepare a special box with new and special activities or toys they are only to use while baby is feeding. After baby’s done feeding, they have to put the box away. This helps them to look forward to the time that baby will have to monopolize mommy or daddy’s time instead of perceiving it as time that is “stolen” from them.
Ask that family members acknowledge your oldest before the baby no matter how tempted they may be to go straight to the baby. The baby has no conception of the attention being paid or not paid to them. Your oldest child however, does.
All of this is even further complicated if there is a Postpartum Mood Disorder or Paternal Postntal Depression present. If that is the case, try to emphasise to your oldest that your behavior (or your spouse’s behavior) is absolutely not their fault and that Mommy or Daddy will be well soon. Let them know that this is something that happens to a lot of Mommy or Daddies after a new baby comes into the family and does go away. Use age-appropriate language such as “Mommy’s sad today” or “Daddy’s not happy,” etc. Encourage their involvement in recovery by letting them know what they can do to help. They can give hugs, kisses, tickles, make cards or art, smile, play quietly, help with baby by getting diapers, burp cloths, etc. Children simply want to help and learn about the world around them. Both of our older daughters loved to give Cameron his bottle or feed him his baby food. Both required supervision but it was nice not to have to do it myself. Engaging the entire family in the recovery of the ill parent(s) can speed recovery as the affected parent will feel supported and loved and is more likely to return to themselves faster than those who do not have family support.
For more information about dealing with a jealous older child, including a list of books to read for yourself and to your child, please visit The University of Michigan Health System Your Child page.
I first saw Michael Lurie on a Fox Morning program and immediately thought how wonderful it was for him to be sharing his story as it is very rare indeed to get a glimpse into the postpartum experience from a father’s perspective. In his book, My Journey to Her World: How I Coped with My Wife’s Postnatal Depression, Michael is transparently open and honest with the events as they unfolded. Familiar with his wife’s previous depressive episodes, her postnatal experience and his subsequent depression went well beyond anything either of them could have ever fathomed. I am honored to share his words with you here and sincerely hope that you will share them with the men in your lives. Michael has been extremely gracious and kind (we’ve had technical difficulties in pulling this together – our emails weren’t the greatest of playmates!) in completing this and I thank him for his patience. I also thank him for his bravery in forging such a valuable addition to resources available for fathers with partners suffering from postpartum depression.
Click here to purchase your own copy of My Journey to Her World
How hard was it for you to witness your wife’s struggle with Postpartum Depression? What were some of the emotions you went through?
Very difficult to heartbreaking. Some emotions I went through were:
Helplessness- not being able to make things better quickly
Disbelief- I couldn’t believe things hag gotten so bad
Anger- Angry with G-d for Kate’s illness. Anger at family and friends who I felt did not fully understand the severity of the situation
Fear- that Kate may harm herself and the baby
At what point did you decide to write your book, My Journey to Her World?
Following several months of watching Kate deteriorate, I started brainstorming my thoughts on a piece of paper t try and get some cathartic release. A I wrote down my thoughts, I realized that this was a story that needed to be told to others in order to help others and avoid the frustration I felt at not having a resource spec ifically aimed for men.
Has becoming a Father changed you?It has given me a sense of unconditional responsibility and love to my children which will last the rest of my life.
What aspect of being a Father is the most challenging? The Least?
Most challenging- the constant feeling of responsibility for another human being who is totally dependent on you.
Least challenging- the ability to unconditionally love your child.
How difficult was it to accept your own experience with depression during this time? Do you feel it brought you closer to your wife and allowed you to better understand her?
It was very difficult to accept my position and I need it confirmed by a third party (doctor) before acknowledging it. It did bring me closer to my wife as I got a small ‘taste’ of what a sufferer of depression goes through.
What are some things you did to actively support your wife during her episode of Postpartum Depression?
I ensured that she was functional even at her worst point and asked her to do even the smallest of chores- e.g. help me fold the laundry.
I acknowledged her feelings and let her release emotions without questioning whether they were rational or not.
I ensured that on a practical level, there was nothing to worry about
I respected her need at times to be alone
I made her feel 100% comfortable to tell me how she was feeling at any time of day or night
Just as women with PPD learn that taking care of themselves is important, this is a lesson that Fathers should heed as well. What do you do on a regular basis to feed your soul and ensure that you stay in a good place?
Nurture and develop your hobbies and interests. Remember that you are first and foremost an individual who needs to look after them self in order to look after others.
Did PPD strengthen or weaken your marriage? Do you feel that you both are in a better place now than prior to PPD?
It strengthened it as it made us more committed to one another.
It made me appreciate my wife more for overcoming it and being such a fantastic mother
I would not say we are in a better place now as we were in a good place beforehand. I would say we are in a different place now as we have the realization and experience of PPD and its devastating effects.
What do you find to be the best part of being a Father?
The privilege of providing love and care for a child and seeing them develop into fulfilled and content people
If there was one piece of advice you could give to an expectant father (new or experienced), what would it be and why would this be important for him to hear?Talk to people and if there is a problem – seek help. Don’t suffer alone.
Postpartum Dads Project 