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It’s dark. You are both collapsed into heaps, this time, you managed to make it to bed. You sigh, close your yes and mutter goodnight into your pillow.
It’s 234 a.m., your wife notes.
“Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
You lift your head and glare at the clock.
It’s 315 a.m.
You shove your face back into your pillow and silently scream.
Really? 46 minutes?
Sighing, you get out of bed to get the baby. Check the diaper. A little wet so you change it. Rock, sing, soothe. Nothing works.
Time to get mommy. She’s got the food.
You walk into the bedroom to wake her up. She sighs, shifts, and snuggles closer to the bed. When you do manage to wake her up, she snaps at you.
“But I JUST nursed! Did you check the diaper? Try to put him back down? I’m tired. I don’t want to…. ”
“Yes. Gimme a little credit. I’m not an idiot. I’ve tried everything. Clearly he’s hungry. You’re nursing so…”
“Dammit. I’ll be there in a minute.” She snuggles back into the bed.
You sigh, loudly, frustrated, knowing it will be a good 30 minutes before she even attempts to get out of bed. She will fall back asleep and you will have this conversation all over again before she finally gets out of bed, cursing you under her breath for interrupting her sleep.
She won’t mean it. She’s exhausted, just like you. And yes, you have work in the morning and should be sleeping but she won’t get to sleep much during the day either. Oh, she may rest, but it won’t be restorative. She’ll nod off while nursing, try to snooze when the baby does, but if the baby is up, she is up. And then there are chores. Dishes. Laundry. Cleaning. Cooking. Possibly other children to care for. Errands. Her job? Never.friggin.ends.
Your job never ends either. It’s hard for her to see that though. What SHE sees is you, walking out the front door toward other adults. Toward freedom. Toward conversation that involves more than a few garbled syllabic words at a time. What SHE sees is you, showered, shaved, dressed in something other than the same pajamas she’s now lived in for two weeks. What SHE feels is jealousy, hatred, sadness, grief. For the most part she knows it’s not rational. Somewhere, deep down, she tries hard not to feel this way. But she’s been moody for weeks now. Snapping at you for the simplest comment or action.
You bring home dinner. It’s not what she wanted but she loudly sighs and announces “It’ll have to do.” You pick up the baby and she watches your every move with him like a hawk, waiting for you to falter. You begin to falter yourself. Are you built for fatherhood? Are you doing things wrong? What if you’re screwing up your kid for life at just 3 months old? What if she never lets you really be a father? How will you ever learn what to do? Will your marriage survive? Where the hell are you?
What she doesn’t know is that as you walk out the front door every morning, your heart hurts. YOU are filled with jealousy because she gets to enjoy every moment with your son. She gets to watch him grow, change, and do new things every day. You mourn your fatherhood as you shower, dress for work. You fumble under her judgmental stares, worrying that your fathering skills are not up to par with her expectations. You’ve asked a million times but you can’t for the life of you get her to tell you what her expectations are for you as a father. What are the rules to this ball game? If you only knew, life would be so much easier. After all, you’re not a mind reader.
___________________________
Today’s Just Talking Tuesday is cross-posted with My Postpartum Voice. If you’re a mom, please share here what you wish your husband had known about Postpartum Mood Disorders and parenting. What would have best helped you when you were suffering? If you’re a dad, share over at My Postpartum Voice. What got you and your wife through those dark days? How did you keep communication open if you managed to do so?
Social support is key for recovery from a Postpartum Mood Disorder. The best social support starts at home with your partner. Get them involved and you’ve zoomed forward a zillion spaces on your recovery path.
Let’s get to just talking.
The awesome dads over at DadLabs have put together a great video about Postpartum Depression.
Not only do they interview a knowledgeable therapist, but they also take time out to acknowledge the recent study published in JAMA about dads experiencing Postpartum Depression.
Please go check it out for some great information about Postpartum Depression.
The May 19, 2010 edition of the Journal of American Medical Association will include research from Dr. James F. Paulson, Ph.D of Eastern Virginia Medical School examining the rates of Paternal Prenatal and Postnatal depression and it’s correlation with Maternal Depression.
After researching 43 studies involving over 28,000 participants fitting their parameters, Dr. James F. Paulson and associate researcher Sharnail D. Bazemore, MS, drew the conclusion that more than 1 in 10 new dads struggle with depression within 3 to 6 months of becoming a father. Interestingly, Paulson and Bazemore included studies examining depression in fathers as early as the first trimester of a pregnancy of a partner. The studies spanned from 1980 to 2009, nearly 20 years of research.
Prenatal and Postnatal Depression was determined to be present in 10% of the cases studied. Postnatal depression spiked between a 3-6 month period and seemed to correlate with a maternal experience of Postnatal Depression
Other mentions of this research across the web today include:
Joel Schwartzberg @ Huffington Post : Postpartum Depression in Men: One Dad’s Story
Joanne Silberner with NPR: Study Finds Dads Suffer Postpartum Depression, Too (There will also be an on-air version tonight on the program All Things Considered. Audio will be available at 7pm ET or shortly thereafter)
Megan Brooks with Reuters: Dads get postpartum depression too: study
Good Morning America Segment via ABC: Postpartum Depression for New Fathers
Depression in men surrounding pregnancy and infancy is rarely discussed. But if the numbers for this research proves to be right, the rate at which these dads are struggling is higher than those of women with depression. While the basis may not be biological as recent research with maternal depression is proving, there is indeed something going on with new dads that needs further exploring.
Perhaps most notable of this research is that Dr. Paulson is an associate professor in Pediatrics. I applaud Dr. Paulson for recognizing the importance of Parental Depression in the lives of our children and hope more pediatric specialists including practitioners and researchers alike would become more involved in helping parents struggling with depression heal.
If you or a new father you love may be struggling with depression during the pregnancy of or the birth of your child, there is help. Dr. William Courtenay runs the Postpartum Men website. There you can find information on symptoms, resources, and a message board to connect with other struggling dads. There is no shame in speaking up. You owe it to yourself, to your child, to your family. You are not alone.
Postpartum Mood Disorders are pesky at the least. If you don’t squash them early by seeking help and creating a positive place where you can relax and fall down, a Postpartum Mood Disorder will turn into a full blown nasty monster. And then you’ll have to use the tranquilizer darts and quite frankly, that hurts.
You are probably here because your wife hasn’t seemed to be quite right since giving birth. Or maybe you’re struggling with some emotional issues and aren’t quite sure where to turn.
First, thank you for seeking help and information in regards to whatever situation you’re in at the moment!
Second, make sure you get yourself in touch with your local Postpartum Support International Coordinator. Even if you’re a guy. Trust me, they’ve got a coordinator for that.
One key thing I want to note here in regards to a Postpartum Mood Disorder is that it’s a real damper on communication. When I was struggling through Postpartum OCD, I expected my husband to read my mind. Yeap. Nevermind that he had not attended Houdini’s School of Telepathy or couldn’t even manage to get something as simple as a napkin to float in the air, he was fully and suddenly expected to know my every thought, need, and behave accordingly. So when he left baby with me instead of pitching in when I torpedoed the request repeatedly at his brain, I got pissed. When he didn’t pick up on the slack in the housework despite me clearly leaving a post-it note on his frontal lobe, I got pissed. You see where I’m going with this?
He never asked what I needed help with. He assumed I would open my mouth and let him know what I needed. Except that for some reason childbirth and Postpartum OCD made that a whole lot harder to do. So I didn’t. And he didn’t. And suddenly there we were, rushing toward Niagra Falls in a wooden barrel.
Communication is key to getting things back on track. Helping out with chores like cooking, cleaning, childcare is imperative. I call this the 3 C method. Ask if she needs help with any of them and you’ll be getting some serious brownie points.
Don’t understand Postpartum Mood Disorders or what’s going on with your wife specifically? Go to the doctor appointments with her. Ask questions. An involved, pro-active spouse is going to get his wife back a lot faster than one who is not involved and is judgmental about what she is currently experiencing. She cannot snap out of her depression. It will take time, it will take work, and it will take dedication.
But the more you ask, the more you do, the more of a routine helping each other out will become in your marriage. She may not thank you at first but trust me, she’ll feel it in her heart. And one day, when she’s well enough, she will say thank you even though those words will never be enough to express how appreciative she is that you dared to jump into the ditch with her.
This past week, the country of Germany mourned the death of footballer Robert Enke. Details were sketchy at first but as they emerged, the portrait of a man so shaken by the dark stigma of depression he felt he had nowhere to escape to but to the arms of death became tragically clear.
In 2003, Enke was first treated for depression. 2006 saw the loss of his natural daughter to a rare heart condition. Yet still he refused treatment even as the son of a sports psychologist, carrying knowledge with him that help was within arms reach. His wife even stepped in to help with transporting him to training. She rallied around him to help him heal as they journeyed forward after the death of their natural born daughter. Eventually they adopted another daughter. The adoption brought with it a common fear faced by many adoptive parents. Enke feared losing custody of their new child, spurring new excuses for Enke to remain silent. He could not bear the thought of losing yet another child.
Post Adoption Depression Syndrome (PADS) is not as uncommon as one would think. It is certainly not uncommon given the history Enke had behind him although any adoptive parent faces the risk of developing PADS after adoption. According “Post Adoption Depression – The Unacknowledged Hazard” by Harriet White McCarthy over at Adoption Article Directory, 65% of parents she polled admitted to experiencing Post Adoption Depression but sadly, only 8% of these same parents had even been told about the possibility of PADS. This leaves an unacceptable 58% gap of uninformed parents.
While not as severe as some of the Postpartum Mood Disorders birth parents may experience, PADS is not something to be ignored either. Contributing factors can be unexpected coping behaviors from children as a result of abandonment or neglect, lack of instant bonding, medical complications, language barriers and lack of not taking enough time to adjust to the adoption. Natural parents may typically take anywhere from two to six weeks to adjust to the birth of a child. Adoptive parents should take the same amount of time to help alleviate the stress of the life change as well as cope with the additional stress of any travel associated with their adoption. It is not natural to expect to pick up your child on a Saturday only to return to work on Monday. Time should be allowed for bonding and family development and in this author’s honest opinion, even more time should be allowed for adoptive parents.
One of the biggest barriers to treatment for Post Adoption Depression Syndrome is the fear of losing custody of the child for which these parents have fought so hard to push through. Essentially these are parents who have literally applied for the job and gone through several hoops while seeking approval. To admit depression is to admit failure – much as if someone were to apply for a job, get the phone call, go into work and realize they were in way over their head. In the corporate world that wouldn’t go over well.
In the footballer’s world, admission of failure either physical or mental is also a big blow. The fans in this sport are harsh and would tear a player apart if he weren’t the perfect picture of both mental and physical strength. Beyond the loss of his first daughter, his previous issues with depression and his fear of losing his second daughter because of his depression, Enke also carried the weight of portraying a perfectly strong man to the world outside his door. Tragically it turned out to be too much for him to handle on his own.
Men are expected to be indestructible pillars of strength and often doubly so once fatherhood zooms into the picture. It is okay to not know what you are doing. It is okay to ask for help. In fact, knowing when to ask for help is a sign of courage.
Enke’s suicide note indicated he had withheld information from his loved ones and caregivers during the last few weeks of his life so he could carry out his plan. If you or a loved one are thinking of suicide, please call a suicide hotline and talk to someone. If you think you may see signs of suicide in a loved one or even in yourself, click here for a list of signs. Remember, not all signs have to be present in order for suicide to be a possibility. Also be particularly watchful as a loved one begins to heal from depression. Often it is when they begin to improve that suicide occurs because they are finally well enough to carry out their plans. It is also important to note here that men are four times more likely to be successful with suicide attempts than women despite making less attempts, according to Dr. Thomas Insel over at Depression: Out of the Shadows Ask an Expert.
Whether it’s a Postpartum Mood Disorder, Post Adoption Depression Syndrome, Paternal Postnatal Depression or just regular depression, remember that there is hope. There is light. There is another way out. You deserve hope. You deserve light. You deserve to live all the days of your life to the fullest. Do not continue to suffer alone. Reach out for help. It’s only a question away.
Back in April, Newsweek published an article by a dad who had experienced depression after the birth of his son. This dad’s name is Joel Schwartzberg. He’s got a new book out, The 40 Year old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad. After a recent interview on a blog I regularly read, The Collective Inkwell, I snagged him for an interview here. I hope you’ll enjoy his honesty, his wisdom, and his strength.
Thanks for sharing, Joel.
Tell us a little about Joel Schwartzberg, the guy. What would he be doing on a typical Friday night if he had it to himself?
I’m all about comfort, so it wouldn’t be much different from how I’d spend it with my wife and our five cats: relaxing on our soft couch, checking email, watching reruns of “Law & Order” and eating something delicious she made. Though, to be fair, if I was by myself you’d have to substitute a slice of eggplant parmigiana pizza for my wife’s inspired cooking. It’s not exactly glamorous, but it is me.
In your Newsweek article, Slouching Towards Fatherhood, you open up about your depression after the birth of your son. In the piece you mention a realization of depression years after it occurred. How did this realization put life as a father into perspective for you?
Realizing I had suffered from depression (and wasn’t just a naturally “bad dad”) gave me the inspiration and confidence to rebuild my personal dadhood from scratch. Before then, I felt paternally-challenged, handicapped as a dad, a total fathering failure. Now, as I define my dadhood based on my own standards and expectations, I don’t fear failure. Parents are not perfect; failure is a crucial part of the process of becoming a better parent.
Depression looks different when it happens to a guy after the birth of a child. What did depression look like for you? What are some signs and symptoms other men and their loved ones should learn to recognize? What can partners do to help if a loved one is sinking into a deep depression?
The clearest symptom of my depression was the way I grasped desperately for moments of self-indulgence, most often with food. I would savor opportunities to leave the house “on an errand” and get big fat cheeseburgers. I think I outpaced my son 10-1 in terms of weight gain that month alone. Eating fast food was a secret; it even felt like cheating, but it also felt like one of the few parts of my individual identity that wasn’t obliterated by parenthood. When men start keeping secrets from their partners, something is amiss in the relationship; someone’s needs are not getting met.
I’m not a psychologist, but my advice for women partners is to understand that some men need to retain a semblance of their pre-parenthood lives, and that need should be supported and nurtured as much as possible, as well as openly discussed. Also, a marriage needs to be pro-actively preserved, not martyred, as it gets rocked by the wrecking ball of sudden parenthood.
The perpetuated myth of the typical male as a stalwart statue resounds pretty deeply within the modern psyche. Have you experienced any backlash as a result of sharing your experience with depression? How have you coped with those who have harshly judged your experience?
Depression in men — dads in particular — is often taken as a sign of weakness and cowardice. People have told me I needed to just “man up”, but I think it takes a lot of courage to admit vulnerability, and dealing with emotions openly is ultimately healthier than burying them. I’ve had people call me some pretty nasty things, but just as many men and women have approached me with similar stories, and found my writing to be “gutsy.”
I feared a backlash from women with PPD because women have a biological, umbilical connection to their kids; Dads just have to hold on tight. So who are we to claim post-partum depression? But women who’d suffered from PPD had some of the most supportive responses to my writing.
My reaction to those who called me a “crybaby”, “weak,” and a “terrible excuse for a man” is simply to say: I had difficulty accepting sudden fatherhood — the biggest upheaval in life — and I’m owning up to it. I also overcame it, love my children, and have a great relationship with them now.
This goes against the grain because it doesn’t fall into one of the top three father stereotypes: Deadbeat (Gosselin), Lazy (Romano) and Super-Dad (Cosby); the guilt of not living up to that last impossible expectation can be really destructive, but slipping into a lazy parenting role is also a disservice and a missed opportunity to
connect with your kids in a really meaningful way.
It’s my current wonderful and honest relationship with my kids that gives me faith that I’m doing the right thing as their father. I’m a more genuine dad for having been completely honest with myself.
List three things which made you smile or laugh today.
1. A news report about a stray cat that was stuck under the hood of a
car during a long road trip, but survived and escaped injury. I’m sure
it had a grudge; I believe cats are the only animals capable of
holding grudges.
2. Having my mechanic not only look at my flat tire without an
appointment, but also shuttle me to the train station so I wouldn’t
have to walk in the cold.
3. Getting handed a slice of mud pie for a colleague’s birthday party.
I love office parties.
As a result of the depressive episodes both my husband and I experienced after the birth of our second daughter, we have begun to talk with our children about depression in an age-appropriate manner. Have you spoken with your oldest son about depression yet? If not, do you think you will in the future and what do you see that conversation including?
I’m very fortunate that my kids are very bright and open with their emotions, so we talk about a full range of feelings. They’re too young to grasp the concept of clinical depression, but they understand confusion, sadness, and frustration very well, as we deal with those feelings almost every time I see them.
I don’t plan on advertising my depression to them, but I hope when they’re old enough to read and understand that essay in particular, they’ll see the value in being honest with oneself, and how writing can play a part in that process.
I do talk to them openly about anger-management – both theirs and mine. These discussions help me help them, and help them see me as a complete human, not just as a parent. I think it’s good for older children to see their parents as people, not just parents.
At the Postpartum Dads Project we believe Postpartum Mood Disorders are a WHOLE family thing. What kind of support, if any, did you have during your depression after the birth of your son? How do you think your level of support at the time affected your recovery? What can new dads do to build a supportive network around themselves?
My ex-wife is a psychologist and quickly diagnosed me as having PTSD following my son’s birth. It’s certainly possible I had PTSD, but my main problem in those early days was the decimation of my identity. I coped with that by draping myself in denial – which in retrospect only extended my depression.
I’m not the type of person to have a close circle of friends, and I wasn’t honest enough with myself or others to make use of that kind of support system anyway. My parents are very “right and wrong” kind of parents, so I did not turn to them either. Ultimately, it took time, therapy, and – frankly — divorce for me to recover.
I feel new dads really need to share experiences, not just advice, with each other. One of the reasons I wrote the book was because it was something I needed when I got divorced. Finding legal tips online was easy; getting comfort less so. With no divorce whatsoever in my family history, I needed to know I wasn’t alone.
I’m still inspired by other dads who talk about their difficulty with sudden parenthood – sometimes they whisper it to me. What we need is compassion and understanding.
Your depression ultimately led to your divorce. Would you share with our readers what the inside of a divorce looks like? What helped you survive and thrive during this difficult time?
My depression definitely made me harder to live with, but — to my eyes — my ex wife’s abandonment of our marriage for parenthood caused the divorce. While our actual separation was fairly calm, the inside of a legal divorce is an ugly place where justice and fairness collides with feelings and justifications, but the outside can be peaceful if the two parties realize that civility does not require agreement or even understanding.
My kids actually helped me cope with the divorce by showing love for me as an individual, outside our former family context. When they live with me, it makes me feel like a father. And that’s a wonderful, fulfilling feeling.
What is your absolute favorite thing about fatherhood? Share with us a quick story about one of the funniest things one of your kids has done.
My favorite thing to do with my kids – and the least expensive — is go to Kmart. They hang on to the big red shopping carts while I take sharp turns, go on shopping list scavenger hunts, stack bottles of Dad’s favorite black cherry sparkling water, gawk at the massive display of Halloween costumes, and run up the down escalators. It never gets old.
Last but not least, let’s say you have just a split second to give some advice to a struggling new dad before he jumps in a cab. What would you tell him?
Be the dad you are, not the dad people in your life or in your television expect you to be.
1) Tell us a little about Joel Schwartzberg, the guy. What would he be
doing on a typical Friday night if he had it to himself?
doing on a typical Friday night if he had it to himself?
I’m all about comfort, so it wouldn’t be much different from how I’d
spend it with my wife and our five cats: relaxing on our soft couch,
checking email, watching reruns of “Law & Order” and eating something
delicious she made. Though, to be fair, if I was by myself you’d have
to substitute a slice of eggplant parmigiana pizza for my wife’s
inspired cooking. It’s not exactly glamorous, but it is me.
2) In your Newsweek article, Slouching Towards Fatherhood, you open up
about your depression after the birth of your son. In the piece you
mention a realization of depression years after it occurred. How did
this realization put life as a father into perspective for you?
Realizing I had suffered from depression (and wasn’t just a naturally
“bad dad”) gave me the inspiration and confidence to rebuild my
personal dadhood from scratch. Before then, I felt
paternally-challenged, handicapped as a dad, a total fathering
failure. Now, as I define my dadhood based on my own standards and
expectations, I don’t fear failure. Parents are not perfect; failure
is a crucial part of the process of becoming a better parent.
3) Depression looks different when it happens to a guy after the birth
of a child. What did depression look like for you? What are some signs
and symptoms other men and their loved ones should learn to recognize?
What can partners do to help if a loved one is sinking into a deep
depression?
The clearest symptom of my depression was the way I grasped
desperately for moments of self-indulgence, most often with food. I
would savor opportunities to leave the house “on an errand” and get
big fat cheeseburgers. I think I outpaced my son 10-1 in terms of
weight gain that month alone. Eating fast food was a secret; it even
felt like cheating, but it also felt like one of the few parts of my
individual identity that wasn’t obliterated by parenthood. When men
start keeping secrets from their partners, something is amiss in the
relationship; someone’s needs are not getting met.
I’m not a psychologist, but my advice for women partners is to
understand that some men need to retain a semblance of their
pre-parenthood lives, and that need should be supported and nurtured
as much as possible, as well as openly discussed. Also, a marriage
needs to be proactively preserved, not martyred, as it gets rocked by
the wrecking ball of sudden parenthood.
4) The perpetuated myth of the typical male as a stalwart statue
resounds pretty deeply within the modern psyche. Have you experienced
any backlash as a result of sharing your experience with depression?
How have you coped with those who have harshly judged your experience?
Depression in men — dads in particular — is often taken as a sign of
weakness and cowardice. People have told me I needed to just “man up”,
but I think it takes a lot of courage to admit vulnerability, and
dealing with emotions openly is ultimately healthier than burying
them. I’ve had people call me some pretty nasty things, but just as
many men and women have approached me with similar stories, and found
my writing to be “gutsy.”
I feared a backlash from women with PPD because women have a
biological, umbilical connection to their kids; Dads just have to hold
on tight. So who are we to claim post-partum depression? But women
who’d suffered from PPD had some of the most supportive responses to
my writing.
My reaction to those who called me a “crybaby”, “weak,” and a
“terrible excuse for a man” is simply to say: I had difficulty
accepting sudden fatherhood — the biggest upheaval in life — and
I’m owning up to it. I also overcame it, love my children, and have a
great relationship with them now.
This goes against the grain because it doesn’t fall into one of the
top three father stereotypes: Deadbeat (Gosselin), Lazy (Romano) and
Super-Dad (Cosby); the guilt of not living up to that last impossible
expectation can be really destructive, but slipping into a lazy
parenting role is also a disservice and a missed opportunity to
connect with your kids in a really meaningful way.
It’s my current wonderful and honest relationship with my kids that
gives me faith that I’m doing the right thing as their father. I’m a
more genuine dad for having been completely honest with myself.
5) List three things which made you smile or laugh today.
1. A news report about a stray cat that was stuck under the hood of a
car during a long road trip, but survived and escaped injury. I’m sure
it had a grudge; I believe cats are the only animals capable of
holding grudges.
2. Having my mechanic not only look at my flat tire without an
appointment, but also shuttle me to the train station so I wouldn’t
have to walk in the cold.
3. Getting handed a slice of mud pie for a colleague’s birthday party.
I love office parties.
6) As a result of the depressive episodes both my husband and I
experienced after the birth of our second daughter, we have begun to
talk with our children about depression in an age-appropriate manner.
Have you spoken with your oldest son about depression yet? If not, do
you think you will in the future and what do you see that conversation
including?
I’m very fortunate that my kids are very bright and open with their
emotions, so we talk about a full range of feelings. They’re too young
to grasp the concept of clinical depression, but they understand
confusion, sadness, and frustration very well, as we deal with those
feelings almost every time I see them.
I don’t plan on advertising my depression to them, but I hope when
they’re old enough to read and understand that essay in particular,
they’ll see the value in being honest with oneself, and how writing
can play a part in that process.
I do talk to them openly about anger-management – both theirs and
mine. These discussions help me help them, and help them see me as a
complete human, not just as a parent. I think it’s good for older
children to see their parents as people, not just parents.
7) At the Postpartum Dads Project we believe Postpartum Mood Disorders
are a WHOLE family thing. What kind of support, if any, did you have
during your depression after the birth of your son? How do you think
your level of support at the time affected your recovery? What can new
dads do to build a supportive network around themselves?
My ex-wife is a psychologist and quickly diagnosed me as having PTSD
following my son’s birth. It’s certainly possible I had PTSD, but my
main problem in those early days was the decimation of my identity. I
coped with that by draping myself in denial – which in retrospect only
extended my depression.
I’m not the type of person to have a close circle of friends, and I
wasn’t honest enough with myself or others to make use of that kind of
support system anyway. My parents are very “right and wrong” kind of
parents, so I did not turn to them either. Ultimately, it took time,
therapy, and – frankly — divorce for me to recover.
I feel new dads really need to share experiences, not just advice,
with each other. One of the reasons I wrote the book was because it
was something I needed when I got divorced. Finding legal tips online
was easy; getting comfort less so. With no divorce whatsoever in my
family history, I needed to know I wasn’t alone.
I’m still inspired by other dads who talk about their difficulty with
sudden parenthood – sometimes they whisper it to me. What we need is
compassion and understanding.
8) Your depression ultimately led to your divorce. Would you share
with our readers what the inside of a divorce looks like? What helped
you survive and thrive during this difficult time?
My depression definitely made me harder to live with, but — to my
eyes — my ex wife’s abandonment of our marriage for parenthood caused
the divorce. While our actual separation was fairly calm, the inside
of a legal divorce is an ugly place where justice and fairness
collides with feelings and justifications, but the outside can be
peaceful if the two parties realize that civility does not require
agreement or even understanding.
My kids actually helped me cope with the divorce by showing love for
me as an individual, outside our former family context. When they live
with me, it makes me feel like a father. And that’s a wonderful,
fulfilling feeling.
9) What is your absolute favorite thing about fatherhood? Share with
us a quick story about one of the funniest things one of your kids has
done.
My favorite thing to do with my kids – and the least expensive — is
go to Kmart. They hang on to the big red shopping carts while I take
sharp turns, go on shopping list scavenger hunts, stack bottles of
Dad’s favorite black cherry sparkling water, gawk at the massive
display of Halloween costumes, and run up the down escalators. It
never gets old.
10) Last but not least, let’s say you have just a split second to give
some advice to a struggling new dad before he jumps in a cab. What
would you tell him?
Be the dad you are, not the dad people in your life or in your
television expect you to be.1) Tell us a little about Joel Schwartzberg, the guy. What would he be
doing on a typical Friday night if he had it to himself?
I’m all about comfort, so it wouldn’t be much different from how I’d
spend it with my wife and our five cats: relaxing on our soft couch,
checking email, watching reruns of “Law & Order” and eating something
delicious she made. Though, to be fair, if I was by myself you’d have
to substitute a slice of eggplant parmigiana pizza for my wife’s
inspired cooking. It’s not exactly glamorous, but it is me.
2) In your Newsweek article, Slouching Towards Fatherhood, you open up
about your depression after the birth of your son. In the piece you
mention a realization of depression years after it occurred. How did
this realization put life as a father into perspective for you?
Realizing I had suffered from depression (and wasn’t just a naturally
“bad dad”) gave me the inspiration and confidence to rebuild my
personal dadhood from scratch. Before then, I felt
paternally-challenged, handicapped as a dad, a total fathering
failure. Now, as I define my dadhood based on my own standards and
expectations, I don’t fear failure. Parents are not perfect; failure
is a crucial part of the process of becoming a better parent.
3) Depression looks different when it happens to a guy after the birth
of a child. What did depression look like for you? What are some signs
and symptoms other men and their loved ones should learn to recognize?
What can partners do to help if a loved one is sinking into a deep
depression?
The clearest symptom of my depression was the way I grasped
desperately for moments of self-indulgence, most often with food. I
would savor opportunities to leave the house “on an errand” and get
big fat cheeseburgers. I think I outpaced my son 10-1 in terms of
weight gain that month alone. Eating fast food was a secret; it even
felt like cheating, but it also felt like one of the few parts of my
individual identity that wasn’t obliterated by parenthood. When men
start keeping secrets from their partners, something is amiss in the
relationship; someone’s needs are not getting met.
I’m not a psychologist, but my advice for women partners is to
understand that some men need to retain a semblance of their
pre-parenthood lives, and that need should be supported and nurtured
as much as possible, as well as openly discussed. Also, a marriage
needs to be proactively preserved, not martyred, as it gets rocked by
the wrecking ball of sudden parenthood.
4) The perpetuated myth of the typical male as a stalwart statue
resounds pretty deeply within the modern psyche. Have you experienced
any backlash as a result of sharing your experience with depression?
How have you coped with those who have harshly judged your experience?
Depression in men — dads in particular — is often taken as a sign of
weakness and cowardice. People have told me I needed to just “man up”,
but I think it takes a lot of courage to admit vulnerability, and
dealing with emotions openly is ultimately healthier than burying
them. I’ve had people call me some pretty nasty things, but just as
many men and women have approached me with similar stories, and found
my writing to be “gutsy.”
I feared a backlash from women with PPD because women have a
biological, umbilical connection to their kids; Dads just have to hold
on tight. So who are we to claim post-partum depression? But women
who’d suffered from PPD had some of the most supportive responses to
my writing.
My reaction to those who called me a “crybaby”, “weak,” and a
“terrible excuse for a man” is simply to say: I had difficulty
accepting sudden fatherhood — the biggest upheaval in life — and
I’m owning up to it. I also overcame it, love my children, and have a
great relationship with them now.
This goes against the grain because it doesn’t fall into one of the
top three father stereotypes: Deadbeat (Gosselin), Lazy (Romano) and
Super-Dad (Cosby); the guilt of not living up to that last impossible
expectation can be really destructive, but slipping into a lazy
parenting role is also a disservice and a missed opportunity to
connect with your kids in a really meaningful way.
It’s my current wonderful and honest relationship with my kids that
gives me faith that I’m doing the right thing as their father. I’m a
more genuine dad for having been completely honest with myself.
5) List three things which made you smile or laugh today.
1. A news report about a stray cat that was stuck under the hood of a
car during a long road trip, but survived and escaped injury. I’m sure
it had a grudge; I believe cats are the only animals capable of
holding grudges.
2. Having my mechanic not only look at my flat tire without an
appointment, but also shuttle me to the train station so I wouldn’t
have to walk in the cold.
3. Getting handed a slice of mud pie for a colleague’s birthday party.
I love office parties.
6) As a result of the depressive episodes both my husband and I
experienced after the birth of our second daughter, we have begun to
talk with our children about depression in an age-appropriate manner.
Have you spoken with your oldest son about depression yet? If not, do
you think you will in the future and what do you see that conversation
including?
I’m very fortunate that my kids are very bright and open with their
emotions, so we talk about a full range of feelings. They’re too young
to grasp the concept of clinical depression, but they understand
confusion, sadness, and frustration very well, as we deal with those
feelings almost every time I see them.
I don’t plan on advertising my depression to them, but I hope when
they’re old enough to read and understand that essay in particular,
they’ll see the value in being honest with oneself, and how writing
can play a part in that process.
I do talk to them openly about anger-management – both theirs and
mine. These discussions help me help them, and help them see me as a
complete human, not just as a parent. I think it’s good for older
children to see their parents as people, not just parents.
7) At the Postpartum Dads Project we believe Postpartum Mood Disorders
are a WHOLE family thing. What kind of support, if any, did you have
during your depression after the birth of your son? How do you think
your level of support at the time affected your recovery? What can new
dads do to build a supportive network around themselves?
My ex-wife is a psychologist and quickly diagnosed me as having PTSD
following my son’s birth. It’s certainly possible I had PTSD, but my
main problem in those early days was the decimation of my identity. I
coped with that by draping myself in denial – which in retrospect only
extended my depression.
I’m not the type of person to have a close circle of friends, and I
wasn’t honest enough with myself or others to make use of that kind of
support system anyway. My parents are very “right and wrong” kind of
parents, so I did not turn to them either. Ultimately, it took time,
therapy, and – frankly — divorce for me to recover.
I feel new dads really need to share experiences, not just advice,
with each other. One of the reasons I wrote the book was because it
was something I needed when I got divorced. Finding legal tips online
was easy; getting comfort less so. With no divorce whatsoever in my
family history, I needed to know I wasn’t alone.
I’m still inspired by other dads who talk about their difficulty with
sudden parenthood – sometimes they whisper it to me. What we need is
compassion and understanding.
8) Your depression ultimately led to your divorce. Would you share
with our readers what the inside of a divorce looks like? What helped
you survive and thrive during this difficult time?
My depression definitely made me harder to live with, but — to my
eyes — my ex wife’s abandonment of our marriage for parenthood caused
the divorce. While our actual separation was fairly calm, the inside
of a legal divorce is an ugly place where justice and fairness
collides with feelings and justifications, but the outside can be
peaceful if the two parties realize that civility does not require
agreement or even understanding.
My kids actually helped me cope with the divorce by showing love for
me as an individual, outside our former family context. When they live
with me, it makes me feel like a father. And that’s a wonderful,
fulfilling feeling.
9) What is your absolute favorite thing about fatherhood? Share with
us a quick story about one of the funniest things one of your kids has
done.
My favorite thing to do with my kids – and the least expensive — is
go to Kmart. They hang on to the big red shopping carts while I take
sharp turns, go on shopping list scavenger hunts, stack bottles of
Dad’s favorite black cherry sparkling water, gawk at the massive
display of Halloween costumes, and run up the down escalators. It
never gets old.
10) Last but not least, let’s say you have just a split second to give
some advice to a struggling new dad before he jumps in a cab. What
would you tell him?
Be the dad you are, not the dad people in your life or in your
television expect you to be.
Joel Schwartzberg, author of a new book The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad, opens up about his experience with male postpartum depression in an interview over at The Collective Inkwell.
In April, Newsweek published an article by Joel in which he detailed his experience. He was surprised at the subsequent backlash he received as a result of opening up.
I’d like to commend Joel for opening up and sharing his story. Not many men speak up about depression after childbirth. While women are finally finding their voices (and using them), many men still find themselves in dark when it comes to admitting there are issues associated with the birth of a child. According to Joel, “Fathers are told all the time to just “man up” in the face of conflict, but this is a very invalidating and antiquated perspective. We are still humans, still individuals, and our worlds are no less rocked by parenthood than mothers’ are.”
If you’re a father who has experienced depression after the birth of a child, I want to encourage you to “man up” and open up to let other dads know that it’s ok to feel that way. The more open men are about their emotions and feelings the better off they and their families will be.
Thanks, Joel, for speaking up about such a tough topic.
This past June, Richard Shaw, M.D., a Packard/Stanford Child Psychologist, studied post traumatic stress disorder among parents of premature infants in the Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit. The results showed that regardless of severity of the infant’s condition, all parents showed very similar symptoms. Many of the parents responded to this traumatic beginning by over-compensating for their child’s health by taking the child to the doctor more frequently.
Most notable though, for this blog’s focus, was the results of the father’s response. It seems that at four months the maternal reaction would be balancing out but the father’s response would be hitting the wall. More often than not, the father would have a more intense reaction than Mom. Shaw theorizes the reason for the delayed response is Dad wanting to stay strong for Mom.
This particular piece of research hit home for me. It was at about four months when I was finally putting my life back together but my husband’s own life seemingly crumbled before my eyes. He became increasingly irritable, argumentative, did not want to talk, was using marijuana more and more. He also quit his job just three weeks before our daughter’s cleft palate surgery which was scheduled when she was 5 months old. While I did not yet have the strength to pull it completely together, I found myself having to do so. He sank into a very deep depression and we had to pull each other up even with surgeries swirling around us. Remember that even if the forward progress is slow, it’s forward progress.
The key is to communicate. Let her know you’re struggling. Listen to her concerns. Share your concerns. Many NICU’s across the nation have access to a Social Worker. Ask for support and find out if there is a support group available at the hospital. Peer support is as invaluable as family support. Train family members to care for your special needs child so you and Mom can go out to get coffee. Gradually work your way up to a movie. Some communities have respite care available for worn out parents of special needs children as well. And please don’t forget to ask for in-home nursing.
When you are blessed with a special needs child don’t forget to take extra special care of yourself. Because the healthier you are mentally, the better chance your child has at really thriving in life.
Facing fatherhood can be a pretty daunting experience. Suddenly you’re thrust into the spotlight as you play your role as the happy expectant dad. It’s all good until you get to the hospital and suddenly there’s this screaming little creature in your arms. Mom’s asleep because she just gave birth and is understandably exhausted.
There you are. Just you and the little one. Some dads, just like some moms, are naturals. And then there are the rest of us. Those of us who just don’t know what to do or worry that baby will judge us if we don’t put the diaper on right. (FYI, they won’t. Heck, they won’t even remember!)
Guess what, dads? You’ve got help on your side!
The folks over at the New Fathers Foundation started a program called Boot Camp for New Dads quite some time ago. This program is run by dads for dads. They teach all sorts of cool stuff – from how to take care of baby to how to help mom right after she’s given birth. Guess what? You’re not helpless. There are things you can do to help even if mom is nursing.
You can check out the Boot Camp for Dads website by clicking here. And you can read about some new dads who took the class by clicking here.
You’re not alone. And you’ll do just fine.
NPR recently did a story regarding the effect Depression has on the entire family. This piece led to the discovery of an organization called “Families for Depression Awareness.”
Founded by a woman who’s brother committed suicide after several attempts to get him help, the organization is dedicated to raising depression awareness for family members. They encourage full family involvement in recovery which is something the Postpartum Dads Project also encourages.
One of the family profiles at Families for Depression Awareness centers around Postpartum Depression. You can read it by clicking here.
Whether it’s your wife or yourself struggling with depression after the birth of a child the two of you owe it to your child(ren) to heal and support the struggling partner. This enables your children to see your dedication to your partner and teaches them the invaluable lesson of not giving up when the going gets tough.
Please take a moment to check Families for Depression Awareness. Know that you are not part of the problem even if your wife is shouting, yelling, and arguing with you for no apparent reason. It’s the PPD talking. You are part of the solution. Offer to take the baby. Encourage her to take time for herself. Research about Postpartum Mood & Anxiety Disorders so you better understand what her world is looking like right now.
More than ever, your wife needs you front and center. Her world has crumbled around her and you are her rock. It’s ok for you to be quivering too. Let her know that. Most often I felt better when I knew my husband was struggling too. It let me know I wasn’t alone. I’m not suggesting you lie to her – just be honest about how things are going for you as you travel the long road back to recovery with her. Honest but not accusatory. Honest but not hateful. Honest but not spiteful. Honest and Compassionate. One day she will thank you. It may not be right now. It may not be tomorrow. But she will thank you down the road. And she may or may not cry while doing so.
Postpartum Dads Project 