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It’s dark. You are both collapsed into heaps, this time, you managed to make it to bed. You sigh, close your yes and mutter goodnight into your pillow.
It’s 234 a.m., your wife notes.
“Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
You lift your head and glare at the clock.
It’s 315 a.m.
You shove your face back into your pillow and silently scream.
Really? 46 minutes?
Sighing, you get out of bed to get the baby. Check the diaper. A little wet so you change it. Rock, sing, soothe. Nothing works.
Time to get mommy. She’s got the food.
You walk into the bedroom to wake her up. She sighs, shifts, and snuggles closer to the bed. When you do manage to wake her up, she snaps at you.
“But I JUST nursed! Did you check the diaper? Try to put him back down? I’m tired. I don’t want to…. ”
“Yes. Gimme a little credit. I’m not an idiot. I’ve tried everything. Clearly he’s hungry. You’re nursing so…”
“Dammit. I’ll be there in a minute.” She snuggles back into the bed.
You sigh, loudly, frustrated, knowing it will be a good 30 minutes before she even attempts to get out of bed. She will fall back asleep and you will have this conversation all over again before she finally gets out of bed, cursing you under her breath for interrupting her sleep.
She won’t mean it. She’s exhausted, just like you. And yes, you have work in the morning and should be sleeping but she won’t get to sleep much during the day either. Oh, she may rest, but it won’t be restorative. She’ll nod off while nursing, try to snooze when the baby does, but if the baby is up, she is up. And then there are chores. Dishes. Laundry. Cleaning. Cooking. Possibly other children to care for. Errands. Her job? Never.friggin.ends.
Your job never ends either. It’s hard for her to see that though. What SHE sees is you, walking out the front door toward other adults. Toward freedom. Toward conversation that involves more than a few garbled syllabic words at a time. What SHE sees is you, showered, shaved, dressed in something other than the same pajamas she’s now lived in for two weeks. What SHE feels is jealousy, hatred, sadness, grief. For the most part she knows it’s not rational. Somewhere, deep down, she tries hard not to feel this way. But she’s been moody for weeks now. Snapping at you for the simplest comment or action.
You bring home dinner. It’s not what she wanted but she loudly sighs and announces “It’ll have to do.” You pick up the baby and she watches your every move with him like a hawk, waiting for you to falter. You begin to falter yourself. Are you built for fatherhood? Are you doing things wrong? What if you’re screwing up your kid for life at just 3 months old? What if she never lets you really be a father? How will you ever learn what to do? Will your marriage survive? Where the hell are you?
What she doesn’t know is that as you walk out the front door every morning, your heart hurts. YOU are filled with jealousy because she gets to enjoy every moment with your son. She gets to watch him grow, change, and do new things every day. You mourn your fatherhood as you shower, dress for work. You fumble under her judgmental stares, worrying that your fathering skills are not up to par with her expectations. You’ve asked a million times but you can’t for the life of you get her to tell you what her expectations are for you as a father. What are the rules to this ball game? If you only knew, life would be so much easier. After all, you’re not a mind reader.
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Today’s Just Talking Tuesday is cross-posted with My Postpartum Voice. If you’re a mom, please share here what you wish your husband had known about Postpartum Mood Disorders and parenting. What would have best helped you when you were suffering? If you’re a dad, share over at My Postpartum Voice. What got you and your wife through those dark days? How did you keep communication open if you managed to do so?
Social support is key for recovery from a Postpartum Mood Disorder. The best social support starts at home with your partner. Get them involved and you’ve zoomed forward a zillion spaces on your recovery path.
Let’s get to just talking.
First, apologies for not keeping this project up as I had originally hoped. I could list a bunch of excuses but I won’t. I take full responsibility for not updating regularly and not providing the support envisioned at the onset. I’m deeply sorry for not being here for those in need. I hope you’ll forgive me.
That said, I have been doing some very deep thinking about this project over the past few weeks. And I’ve drawn a conclusion. Not literally, mind you – there’s not a napkin somewhere with scribbles on it. Anymore.
I think one of the biggest reasons I did not update as often as I should have here was because I was intimidated. Sure, I grew up in a family of guys and have always related to guys more than girls but to start a support project and have the pressure of having to relate to men in that way was way more intense than I expected. I stayed away because I was scared of saying the wrong thing or not relating to someone in pain or need.
It hit me the other day that I don’t have to pretend to be someone I am not here because what I am is a mom who has survived Postpartum Depression twice and hospitalization for Postpartum Depression once. I’ve experienced depression while pregnant. I’m a mom who has helped numerous families over the past four years get through precisely what you’re facing now. I’m aware of the resources, the signs, the symptoms, the issues surrounding Postpartum Mood Disorders. I know first hand the chaos it can bring to a marriage and to a family. And it’s not fun to go at it alone.
So here I am, just a mom, totally and 100% available to you as support during your struggles with a Postpartum Mood Disorder. Have a question? Ask it. I’ll answer it or get you in touch with someone who can. Need help? I’m your gal.
I won’t be able to read your mind or your wife’s mind. I can’t explain behavior, I can’t diagnose and I cannot recommend one medication or course of treatment over the other. You have to do what is best for you and your situation. And obviously, you’ll want to seek professional help if you even think there’s a possibility of Postpartum Mood Disorders.
Over the next few weeks, I’ll be making a concerted effort to publish more often here about topics you need to hear about. Things like therapy options, the differences between the various postpartum mood disorders, how to best help your wife, how to keep caregiver burnout at bay, and anything else for which you may need answers.
I look forward to connecting with you and creating a community of support.
Warmest,
Lauren
A couple of weeks ago, we shared the journey with Amber Koter-Puline. Today we’ll get her husband’s point of view. It’s important to include dad in the postpartum experience because his support is invaluable to recovery. I want to thank Michael from the depths of my heart for sharing his story so openly and for supporting Amber so wonderfully during such a difficult experience. I hope this provides invaluable insight for new or expecting fathers who may either find themselves in a similar situation or know someone who is already there.
What makes you tick? Tell us a little bit about who you are!
I enjoy business – specifically the retail real estate business. I enjoy all aspects of my business. I spend a good portion of my time dedicated to being successful in my work so that I can provide for my family. I also enjoy spending time training Gracie jiu jitsu; its something that I have always wanted to get into before but didn’t have the opportunity. When we moved to Atlanta and I found a place to train and I immediately began. I am a morning person! I like to get up very early before others to accomplish things. I am generally waiting for the gym to open at 4:45am when I arrive. Sometimes they let us in early. On nights that I am not at jiu jitsu, I play the guitar and enjoy spending time with my family.
You’ve walked the dark path of Postpartum Depression with your wife. Share with us what it was like to watch the woman you loved seemingly slip away into a dark shell.
It was awful. I saw a highly motivated and capable person become so helpless and undergo such a radical change. It is almost as if you no longer know the person. They are someone else. It was very difficult for me because I didn’t really believe it was happening. I thought that it would go away on its own. But, when Amber came to me and recognized that she was in need of professional help I knew that it was serious. It was very difficult to deal with. I had to change my work schedule and Amber had to even come with me to work some days. It was almost as if she had regressed mentally to a 4 year old. She had to be at my side almost 24-7. You can’t believe it until you experience it.
How did your faith support you through Amber’s recovery?
It helped in many ways. One of the biggest was seeing the outpouring of help from our church community. Even people who we did not expect to come through for us came and truly tried to make a difference in our lives and help us with this difficult situation. As a result of having gone through this, my faith has grown stronger and I can now see why God chose this to happen to my wife.
What has it been like to see your wife take something so painful and turn it into such a point of strength and grace?
It has been really nice. I know she enjoys it. Anytime you go through a challenge and are able to transform it into a positive aspect of others lives I believe it is the ultimate blessing you can receive. Amber has done this. She has put her heart and soul into a blog, website, communicating with others, and constantly trying to reach out and help others. It is very commendable. I love her for it. It feels really good to know that she wants to help others. She took the situation, transformed it, and is giving it back to God by helping others. It’s the only way to live.
Did PPD affect your marriage? If so, how?
Yes, in many ways. It has changed our plans for future children (we had previously wanted a larger family.) We had to change our schedules and had to change the dynamics of our child-rearing than we had previously planned. You see, Amber and I had initially thought about having several children, however when she went through such a severe PPMD it really changed her desire and made her feel as if she could never handle more than one child, as she could barely physically and emotionally handle this one. As she had continued to get better, I believe her opinion continues to change slightly. For the first 3 or 4 months I had to do the lion’s share of the night-time wakings, because she needed to rest. At first I think I resented her for it, but now I think it helped me to build an irreplaceable bond with my son. While it was difficult at the time, I am very much thankful for the opportunity to do that because the benefits clearly outweigh the sacrifice I made. Hey, whats a few hours sleep for a guy who gets up at 4:30am anyways? I think as a result we take specific time in our day to better ourselves- praying together, reading and discussing books together, etc. We truly want each other to grow and develop everyday as individuals and parents. We are much more committed to each other. Not just to having our marriage be ok or something we endure, but to flourish. It also changed how we now interact. We have a different relationship. It’s much stronger.
Fathers need to remember not to lose themselves in the process of parenting. What is it that you do to just hang out and be a “guy”?
Jiu Jitsu. I train. For me, jiu jitsu offers me the opportunity to escape. Going to the gym is similar, but jiu jitsu provides me the one on one competition that drives me to do better every day. I think one of the reasons I like it so much is that I wrestled as a child. I always enjoyed wrestling and jiu jitsu is similar, but you wear a gi instead and the object is to submit an opponent vs. pin them. Outside of that, I really like to watch football. College, NFL, it doesn’t matter! My wife will watch “our teams,” but can’t understand at all why I would watch other games. For me, this is how I relax…sitting on the couch or in my chair, with a cold beer Sweetwater 420 (shameless local beer plug!) in my hand. That’s my release.
3 things that made me laugh…
Telling others a story about how a rock hit my windshield.
My son saying “mango” as one of his first words.
Remembering when my wife saw a coyote walking down the middle of our street when she had PPD. I asked her if it was real. She replied, “I am crazy, but not THAT crazy!” The next day we got a notice about a neighborhood coyote spotting. 🙂
What do you find the most and least challenging about fatherhood?
Having patience with my son has been challenging. I sell things…I am a salesman. I have absolutely NO patience for anything and I don’t care to. For me, patience was not important at all. But now, with my son, I start to realize that there are times where it is needed. I think that because my love for him is so strong I am able to be more patient and give him the attention that he needs.
I think just having fun with my son comes easily and naturally to me. Ball, guitar, piano, wrestling, etc. If there is one thing that I know how to do, it’s how to have fun! I have spent my whole life enjoying every moment. Get the fullest out of life. I want to look back and say I wouldn’t have done anything differently. It’s the only way to live.
Amber’s PPD Support means…
Alot to me because it means a lot to her. I think it is important to her. It helps her grow as a person and move past this terrible part of her life that occurred.
Advice…
This is REAL. It can happen to anyone. Don’t feel badly. Don’t try to hide it. Don’t ignore it. Seek professional help right away. Be more proactive in finding out how your spouse is feeling postpartum. Ask her- Are you feeling overwhelmed? Are you feeling depressed? Can we go for a walk and talk? Observe her. Is she getting enough rest? She is human, too. She needs more than 2 hours of sleep a day. Is she getting it? You are much better off taking the necessary time off in the beginning to try to avoid a PPMD getting worse than to let it evolve untreated. It will get worse before better. In closing you’ll note that in the beginning it may be harder to detect, but easier to cure. While left untreated, it will become VERY apparent and much more difficult to cure. My suggestion is to be proactive. It really can happen to your family.
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Albert Einstein
Postpartum Dads Project 