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Dr. Peter Gray over at the UNLV Anthropology Department is conducting a study examining Paternal Behavior and Health. The study will examine the health and well-being of fathers of young children and their perceptions of maternal psychiatric complications.
According to the project’s consent form page, you are eligible to participate in this study if you are a father between the ages of 18-40 years and have children between the ages of 0-4 years. In contact via email, Dr. Gray stated he expects the study to continue through at least this spring.
Recruitment for this study has been concluded; data analysis has begun. Results are anticipated this fall.
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Albert Einstein
(reposted from Unexpected Blessing)
Earlier this week, Kristina Fuelling found herself sentenced to the lowest possible sentence for the death of her eight day old infant. Fortunately she found herself in the presence of a very compassionate judge and prosecutor who were both able to recognize her actions were a result of Postpartum Psychosis. She is currently being held at a mental facility and will be transferred to a state prison for the remainder of her sentence once her mental state stabilizes.
Her husband, in exclusive first statements to a local news station, has promised to wait for Kristina and opened up about signs and symptoms of Postpartum Depression and Psychosis. He encourages fathers and loved ones of new mothers to educate themselves and become familiar with signs that things are not going well.
According to the article, Nicholas’ statement of encouraging awareness is:
“I would tell new mothers, or expecting mothers and fathers to research it, look into it. It’s just as important as any other factor of raising a child,” he said. “There are signs: lack of sleep, having trouble with breast feeding, having trouble taking care of the baby, lot of anxiety. But sometimes it comes just unexpectedly.Even in hindsight now, I don’t even think I could’ve been able to change it unless I knew beforehand,” Fuelling said.
“So I would tell people out there to look for signs of severe anxiety. Get help. Ask your friends and your parents, family, to come over to help take care of the kids. Don’t be alone on it if you feel any feelings of being scared or not being able to handle the situation,” he added.
photo courtesy of Jayel Aheram at flickr
“Football is an honest game. It’s true to life. It’s a game about sharing. Football is a team game. So is life.”
~Joe Namath~
Photo by Jacob Johan (courtesy of flickr)
As if coping with a Postpartum Mood Disorder or Paternal Postntal Depression isn’t enough, now you’ve got an older toddler who knows just enough to perceive the new creature in the house as a threat to their precious time with Mommy or Daddy but not enough to deal with it in a positive manner. How do you handle this new development? With lots of love, attention, and involvement.
Make sure your older child knows how much he/she is loved. Don’t just tell them though, show them. Kids are big on actions over words. (Shouldn’t we all be, though?) This is where the attention and involvment come into play.
Set aside at least a minimum of 10 minutes every few hours to spend exclusively with your older child. Allow them to pick the activity and focus on them during this time.
Prepare a special box with new and special activities or toys they are only to use while baby is feeding. After baby’s done feeding, they have to put the box away. This helps them to look forward to the time that baby will have to monopolize mommy or daddy’s time instead of perceiving it as time that is “stolen” from them.
Ask that family members acknowledge your oldest before the baby no matter how tempted they may be to go straight to the baby. The baby has no conception of the attention being paid or not paid to them. Your oldest child however, does.
All of this is even further complicated if there is a Postpartum Mood Disorder or Paternal Postntal Depression present. If that is the case, try to emphasise to your oldest that your behavior (or your spouse’s behavior) is absolutely not their fault and that Mommy or Daddy will be well soon. Let them know that this is something that happens to a lot of Mommy or Daddies after a new baby comes into the family and does go away. Use age-appropriate language such as “Mommy’s sad today” or “Daddy’s not happy,” etc. Encourage their involvement in recovery by letting them know what they can do to help. They can give hugs, kisses, tickles, make cards or art, smile, play quietly, help with baby by getting diapers, burp cloths, etc. Children simply want to help and learn about the world around them. Both of our older daughters loved to give Cameron his bottle or feed him his baby food. Both required supervision but it was nice not to have to do it myself. Engaging the entire family in the recovery of the ill parent(s) can speed recovery as the affected parent will feel supported and loved and is more likely to return to themselves faster than those who do not have family support.
For more information about dealing with a jealous older child, including a list of books to read for yourself and to your child, please visit The University of Michigan Health System Your Child page.
“I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor.”
~Henry David Thoreau~
As I came through the door after a challenging day of work, the tornado began. “Daddy’s home!” My kids wanted to share their day and their artwork, and my wife wanted to share how difficult her day had been. I wanted to lie down on the couch and be left alone.
And this same scenario is happening all over the country with fathers (or mothers) and their families. Families are converging on each other at the end of the day with wildly different needs and moods. The result can be hurt feelings and distance between family members.
Working parents often come home filled with stress and problems from the workplace. They’re in a “fix-it” mentality and they’re looking for some time to unwind before facing the brunt of their families.
Your kids, however, don’t care much about your work stress. They want a father who notices them and who’s excited to see them. Every little thing you do is noticed by your children-your facial expression, the way you hang up your coat, and the way you greet them. The question underlying all of this is, “Will daddy be here for me tonight?”
As a former athlete, I remember the preparation before competing that would put me in the right “state” to play at the highest level. We would visualize the game unfolding before us and spend some quiet time increasing our ability to relax and stay focused. When the game began, we were ready to play, largely because we had tuned into our bodies and created that readiness. What kind of preparation do most of us put into our parenting role when we come home from work at night? Do we ready ourselves for being fully present to our kids and our spouse? Are we enthusiastic when we see them or are we consumed by our own issues?
Here are five ideas for readying yourself for your family when you come home at night:
Develop a ritual
It might be reading a prepared paragraph that you’ve written about being ready or having a moment of silence to help you go from work mode to home mode. Find something that reminds you of the daily discipline necessary to be your best when you come home to your family.
Find out what your family needs from you
It’s hard to know how to make things work when you come home if you don’t know what people need from you. If you don’t know, ask them! The chances are good that they’ll want to share their day with you. While things will vary, it helps to have a sense of how much each person needs from you after you walk in the door.
Let your family know what you need
If you need to have some time for yourself, let your family know what you need so they don’t feel left out. After your done taking your time, give them the welcome they deserve.
Use the ride home as a way to unwind
Using the ride home to prepare for life at home allows you a defined amount of time to shift from work mode to home mode. Use some deep breathing– with each breathe you become more relaxed and more focused on the needs at home.
Remember how easily we can shift away from the drama of work
It’s easy to become overwhelmed by the emotions and thoughts that are produced from our jobs. The truth is that we can shift our thoughts and feelings away from work quite readily if we practice it. Work can be overwhelming, our reactions to it don’t have to be. You bring home a message every night-“what’s truly important in my life?” Your kids will get this message loud and clear.
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches men to be better fathers and husbands. He is the author of “25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers” http://www.markbrandenburg.com/father.htm
For more great tips and action steps for fathers, sign up for his FREE bi-weekly newsletter, “Dads, Don’t Fix Your Kids,” at http://www.markbrandenburg.com.
Not terribly long ago, I found this entry at a new father’s blog, Dad’s Chronicles. He’s graciously granted permission for it to be shared here. Thank you!
I ought to write this article for a long time now, but I had to wait until my wife’s situation gets better. So when she reads this, she can just smile and realize what she had undergone. The situation I am talking about is Postpartum or Postnatal Depression.
I realized that new dads have a lot to deal with than I initially thought. From changing diapers, to soothing crying babies, to substituting your wife to feed the baby past 12 midnight, to carrying your baby and dancing to put her to sleep during the wee hours, and to your wife’s post natal depression.
My wife is a strong person, so I never thought she would undergo depression. I did not anticipate this situation so when it happened, I was unprepared. I found it hard to handle at first, but I slowly learned how to cope with it. During this period, I dropped almost everything except my work. I stayed away from photography for a while, I put off my investing activities, and stopped playing sports.
I let my wife know that I was there for her and became sensitive to her needs. I help her take care of our baby in anyway I can. Now that it’s getting better and looking back at the situation, if I am to grade myself, I think I did ok. I believe I just barely got a passing grade.
This interview is reposted from Unexpected Blessing.
As I sit here having just read this interview, I am blown away by how far we have truly come since the birth of our first child. We have overcome so much and I know it is because neither one of us is afraid of staring adversity in the eye. Chris and I met November 2000 while we worked at the same company. We’ve been inseparable ever since, no matter what the storm brought to our world. Relying on each other’s strengths and shoring up each other’s weaknesses, we’ve managed to build an extremely strong marriage that has been tested time and again in the short six years of wedded partnership. And you know what? We’ve come out of each storm stronger and closer than before. There’s a quote by Louisa Alcott: “I am not afraid of the storm for I am learning to sail my ship.” Together we are not afraid of the storm and have slowly begun to master sailing our ship through whatever mighty waves come our way. I hope you enjoy this honest and compassionate look into my PPD experience from my husband’s perspective.
Would you share your experience of watching the woman you love suffer from Postpartum Depression? What were some of the emotions you went through as you watched me spiral downward and what was the hardest part for you?
Wow, thats tough. I guess it is hard because I have blocked that out of my mind. I think the best way to answer that question is to just explain what PPD looks like from the outside from the perspective of someone who is uneducated in the signs, because that is where I was when it all began. Honestly I really didn’t know what to think. All I knew is that the woman that I married and loved was gone. You were reclusive and moody most of the time. All I really wanted to do is just tell you to snap out of it, and I think that I did a couple of times. I thought you had become lazy and selfish. I knew something was wrong, but I thought it was more of a problem with lack of motivation and lack of discipline. It made me angry. After our second daughter was born, I had educated myself. I found that even though I got frustrated with you, I understood. I probably didn’t show it all the time, because I had my own stresses going on with sixty hour work weeks and the hospitalization of our daughter. The hardest part of it all though was watching you hurt. I just wanted so bad for you to be happy and it just didn’t seem to happen.
Looking back, would you agree that the lack of diagnosis/treatment of my first episode compounded my second episode?
Definitely. I actually believe that it just carried over into the second pregnancy. You never really recovered from the first episode. It wasn’t until nearly a year after the birth of Charlotte that I even began to recognize you as the same woman that I married.
You recognized my PP OCD the second time around well before I was able to admit there was a problem. In fact, you even made the call to my OB’s office for initial treatment. What were some of the warning signs that alerted you to the beginnings of this episode?
You had become anti-social. You were sad most of the time. You did a lot of cleaning, and please don’t take this the wrong way because you really are a great housewife, but neither one of us is Mary Poppins when it comes to keeping the house clean. What really tipped me off though was that you just didn’t seem well. You wanted to sleep a lot and you also seemed to snap very easily at the smallest things.
My hospitalization absolutely frightened me but ultimately became the turning point in my recovery. Would you share your memories and feelings surrounding my hospitalization?
Honestly, I was scared to death as well. I didn’t know what I was going to do. I was working sixty hour work weeks with a two year old and newborn at home and I didn’t know how I was going to take care of them. And how would I juggle having to make the hour drive back and forth to the hospital that you were in to bring you the things that you would need and to get milk for Charlotte? I didn’t know how long you would be there. I was really scared. I was also concerned for you. I love you and didn’t want to see you hurting. I was also thankful for the fact that you were getting the help you needed. When you called me at work and told me that you were having intrusive thoughts, I couldn’t get home fast enough. Who knows what the outcome would have been had you not gone to the hospital that day? That thought still crosses my mind today. I am so grateful that you understood the severity of your problem and took the help that was given to you. I think it all goes back to education.
We worked very hard together to prevent PPD after Cameron’s birth. What were some of the differences in how we approached the postpartum period this time around?
Well, I know that you took antidepressants during your pregnancy, but we also had a set of written guidelines as to what to look for and for how we would respond if certain events took place. We tried to educate (there’s that word again) our families about the signs to look for and also what were the right and wrong things to say and do in the event that PPD reared it’s head again. During your second bout with PPD I really think that we were better educated, but our families were not. This caused a lot of tension and strife. With the whole family knowing what to look for, it helped make everyone sympathetic to the situation. Boy do I wish we had that in place when in the throes of your second episode.
What is the biggest lesson you feel you’ve learned from my PP OCD episodes?
I always viewed mental illness as something that happened to other people. I viewed people with mental illness as weird or abnormal. The biggest thing I learned is that mental illness can strike anyone, at any time. I suffer from ADHD, depression and anxiety and would have never sought help with my issues had I not educated myself about yours.
What has it been like to watch me grow from mother suffering from PPD to the PPD Advocate I am today?
First I would like to say how proud I am of you. You have turned adversity into triumph. I have been amazed at the transformation. Most people just take their hard knocks and then move on, but you have taken up a cause and have made a difference in other peoples lives. I am inspired and in awe. I love you and encourage to keep up the great work that you are doing.
Share with us what you find to be most challenging about fatherhood. The Least challenging.
I have always been a rather impatient person. Fatherhood is teaching me patience. That is a challenge since I tend to want instant results. Maybe that is just the ADHD in me. Kids sort of move at their own pace, and I have learned that they are learning all along the way. To rush them along is not only detrimental to their growth and development, but it is also unfair to steal those learning experiences away from them. The least challenging is loving those precious kids. I just can’t seem to get enough of them and can’t give enough hugs and kisses. That is not a challenge at all.
How important do you feel it is to hold onto a sense of self once you become a parent? What are some ways a father can provide some much needed alone time?
You must know who you are before you can help someone else, namely your children, discover who they are. The best way to do that is to have some “me time”. It is very difficult to get when you are a parent between diaper changes and cleaning mud (or other mud like substances) off the walls, but is essential. Sometimes I will stay up late to get some alone time or will go to the store. Don’t forget though that you and your spouse need some time together too. Also, it is ok to ask your wife to take the kids for a few hours while you go get some coffee. Just remember though that you need to provide her with that same luxury as well. Ask the Grandparents to take the kids too. Even if it is just for an hour or two, you and your spouse can have a nice dinner or just go home and work on some of those household projects that you have on your “honey do” list.
And last but not least, if you had one piece of advice to give an expectant father (new or experienced), what would it be?
Educate, educate and when it’s all through educate some more. You can never fully prepare yourself for everything that fatherhood throws at you, but knowing some of what to expect takes a lot of the anxiety away and relieves a lot of the stress on you and your spouses relationship.
Thursday is interview day over at Unexpected Blessing. Today’s interview is with Natalie Dombrowski, Brian’s wife. I thought it would be wonderful if I could start getting both husband and wife to grant interviews and I am happy to start with the Dombrowskis. Natalie has a book coming out, Back to You, that details her Postpartum journey. She also has a project, SPEAK, in which she gives presentations and encourages other moms to speak up about their experience in order to educate others. Brian agreed to answer the interview questions here at Postpartum Dads Project and I am very grateful and honored to be able to share his responses with you. Thank you Brian for being open and for your willingness to let other fathers into your world even if just for a few moments.
Did PPD occur at the birth of your first child? Do you have other children in which PPD did not occur?
Yes PPD occurred at the birth of my first child; it was about five weeks after when my wife was hospitalized. The signs were there all along (knowing that now), but at the time it just seems like Natalie was having a hard time adjusting and I told her that it will be fine and you will get used to it. We have no other children.
How old were you when you child was born? Do you think age was a factor on the PPD or your response?
I was twenty nine when my son was born. As far as age is concerned with PPD; Natalie and I have been talking and noticing that some women that she encounters that had PPD were in their thirties. I am not a doctor but if your mind and body have been the same for thirty years and then you get pregnant which changes a woman’s body in the first place and then throw a traumatic birth into it, I believe that it would be a factor. As far as age in my response; I don’t go by age I go by experience. My response once we knew that Natalie was sick was (let’s get her better). My Dad passed away from a terminal illness and I was very involved with helping my Ma and getting the most information and help he could so that he was comfortable. I know the situation with Natalie and my Dad were different; but I knew how to react and respond.
Are you married or unmarried? Do you think your marital status played a part in the PPD?
Yes we are married. We are in a committed relationship and the wedding vows that I took were “in sickness and health”. To those that are married and hold it sacred there is something about being married because that person is very special and you would never want to see anything wrong with that person and you will do whatever you can to help. That could even be the case with a parent and child. I don’t think that the martial status would change PPD. But I do believe that a woman that has PPD needs someone to support her regardless of who it is.
Were there any special circumstances surrounding birth of child? (ie, NICU, other children with special needs, life events such as death, changing job, moving, etc)
Yes there were special circumstances involved in my sons birth. The doctor broke the water bag to speed up the delivery but my son went to the bathroom inside her. Then his heartbeat was dropping and fluctuating when Natalie started to shake and spiked a very high fever. The doctor and nurse came in and told us our options, wait it out with complications or do an emergency c-section. My response was “what are we waiting for?” It was scary waiting out in that dark hallway wondering what in the world was going on and thought I was going to loose either one of them? He was born and she was unable to see him because she needed to get her fever down, and that was for twenty four hours. I did con the nurses into bringing him in an incubator so she could see him because I saw how upset she was. Both of them were in bad shape for those twenty four hours, he was connected to all these monitors and IV’s and what have you, and Natalie still had a fever. But the next morning it was like a miracle happened and they both had this recovery and were able to be together at last.
Did you seek treatment? What did you find most effective and least effective?
Yes I sought treatment. At first I spoke to our family friend who is a priest then once Natalie was well on her way to recovery I started to see how much it had affected me; so I saw a counselor twice a month for about four months. Having a third party to listen helped me a lot, the counselor really never said too much but stared me in the proper direction to make sense of it all.
Did Faith/Religion play a role in your experience? If so, do you think it was a positive role or negative role? Please explain.
Yes faith played a role. Like I said in the previous question I spoke to a priest because what was going on was surreal. I left my wife of ten months in some hospital; I have a newborn to take care of; I needed to have faith and I knew that he would help me see that things would get better as long as I believed and kept the faith. I had to convince myself of this numerous times, but I never let Natalie know no different “It will get better!”
Did you/will you have additional children after your depressive episode? (Was it/Is it an issue between you and your spouse?)
Natalie and I have talked about having another child, the answer is still pending. I always wanted more than one child but to go thought what happened again, I just don’t think I have it in me. I would never want to see my wife go thought that again. But now that we are educated and aware; if she does become pregnant we will know what signs to look for and how to resolve them and where and how to get help if needed. Communication is vital in this area and you need to be very open; if you do, you don’t or even if you are unsure you need to talk it out! I also remind myself that every situation is different and it will be different experience.
How has PPD affected your marriage? What were the short term impacts and the long term impacts?
Yes PPD affected our marriage. I didn’t realize it at first because when she was in her recovery I forgot about myself and was taking care of her and my son and that was my main priority and that was it. So as Natalie got better I was feeling resentment because I felt that she didn’t appreciate what I did for her, so I got angry. Made an ass out of myself one night at my thirtieth birthday party and started to realize that I had a problem and I was acting out because I knew that she was getting better. About a month later is when I sought help. I learned a lot about my wife through this and I believe that there is good in every situation and you might not know it at the time but you will be able to figure it out someday. It has made our relationship stronger it really tested us but after the dust settled we realized our happiness as husband and wife and as a family with our son.
What lessons did you learn from dealing with PPD that you would like to share with other dads?
The lesson that I could tell a man that is going though this with his wife is listen, keep a very open mind and hold her tight; she needs you now more than ever! You need to be that rock, that shoulder to cry on, and you have to take on many responsibilities; even being mister mom! But you need to take care of yourself also, have someone to talk to, have an outlet because this is affecting you, might not see it or want to admit it, but take care of yourself too; it is not being selfish you need to stay strong for your wife’s recovery.
What helped you cope with PPD and what would you suggest to other dads?
Being very involved from the start of my wife’s recovery helped me cope. I did a lot of research on PPD to help me understand what was going on. Stay educated, have someone to talk to and communicate with your wife because you are both going though this.
Do you have any suggestions for communicating with your wife during this period? Any mistakes you made that others should avoid?
Like I said earlier keep an open mind and heart, you will see an array of emotions. Keep your cool, it is a sickness and your wife needs time to heal. Stay positive things will get better and you must tell her that numerous times a day. Most important is to listen and let her talk, be supportive and communicate with her. Don’t get mad at her, she has a sickness that she could not control, she does appreciate you and all that you do; she might not say it or show it but she will once she has recovered.
Postpartum Dads Project 