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It’s dark. You are both collapsed into heaps, this time, you managed to make it to bed. You sigh, close your yes and mutter goodnight into your pillow.
It’s 234 a.m., your wife notes.
“Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
You lift your head and glare at the clock.
It’s 315 a.m.
You shove your face back into your pillow and silently scream.
Really? 46 minutes?
Sighing, you get out of bed to get the baby. Check the diaper. A little wet so you change it. Rock, sing, soothe. Nothing works.
Time to get mommy. She’s got the food.
You walk into the bedroom to wake her up. She sighs, shifts, and snuggles closer to the bed. When you do manage to wake her up, she snaps at you.
“But I JUST nursed! Did you check the diaper? Try to put him back down? I’m tired. I don’t want to…. ”
“Yes. Gimme a little credit. I’m not an idiot. I’ve tried everything. Clearly he’s hungry. You’re nursing so…”
“Dammit. I’ll be there in a minute.” She snuggles back into the bed.
You sigh, loudly, frustrated, knowing it will be a good 30 minutes before she even attempts to get out of bed. She will fall back asleep and you will have this conversation all over again before she finally gets out of bed, cursing you under her breath for interrupting her sleep.
She won’t mean it. She’s exhausted, just like you. And yes, you have work in the morning and should be sleeping but she won’t get to sleep much during the day either. Oh, she may rest, but it won’t be restorative. She’ll nod off while nursing, try to snooze when the baby does, but if the baby is up, she is up. And then there are chores. Dishes. Laundry. Cleaning. Cooking. Possibly other children to care for. Errands. Her job? Never.friggin.ends.
Your job never ends either. It’s hard for her to see that though. What SHE sees is you, walking out the front door toward other adults. Toward freedom. Toward conversation that involves more than a few garbled syllabic words at a time. What SHE sees is you, showered, shaved, dressed in something other than the same pajamas she’s now lived in for two weeks. What SHE feels is jealousy, hatred, sadness, grief. For the most part she knows it’s not rational. Somewhere, deep down, she tries hard not to feel this way. But she’s been moody for weeks now. Snapping at you for the simplest comment or action.
You bring home dinner. It’s not what she wanted but she loudly sighs and announces “It’ll have to do.” You pick up the baby and she watches your every move with him like a hawk, waiting for you to falter. You begin to falter yourself. Are you built for fatherhood? Are you doing things wrong? What if you’re screwing up your kid for life at just 3 months old? What if she never lets you really be a father? How will you ever learn what to do? Will your marriage survive? Where the hell are you?
What she doesn’t know is that as you walk out the front door every morning, your heart hurts. YOU are filled with jealousy because she gets to enjoy every moment with your son. She gets to watch him grow, change, and do new things every day. You mourn your fatherhood as you shower, dress for work. You fumble under her judgmental stares, worrying that your fathering skills are not up to par with her expectations. You’ve asked a million times but you can’t for the life of you get her to tell you what her expectations are for you as a father. What are the rules to this ball game? If you only knew, life would be so much easier. After all, you’re not a mind reader.
___________________________
Today’s Just Talking Tuesday is cross-posted with My Postpartum Voice. If you’re a mom, please share here what you wish your husband had known about Postpartum Mood Disorders and parenting. What would have best helped you when you were suffering? If you’re a dad, share over at My Postpartum Voice. What got you and your wife through those dark days? How did you keep communication open if you managed to do so?
Social support is key for recovery from a Postpartum Mood Disorder. The best social support starts at home with your partner. Get them involved and you’ve zoomed forward a zillion spaces on your recovery path.
Let’s get to just talking.
The awesome dads over at DadLabs have put together a great video about Postpartum Depression.
Not only do they interview a knowledgeable therapist, but they also take time out to acknowledge the recent study published in JAMA about dads experiencing Postpartum Depression.
Please go check it out for some great information about Postpartum Depression.
Dear Non-Believers:
This past week you have frantically scurried about the Internet from website to website, trolling and tweeting reactions to each story in regards to Dr. James F. Paulson’s study about Paternal Prenatal and Postnatal Depression. The Wall-Street Journal, CNN, The NY Times, you name it, you have been there to broadcast your point of view. And praise God we live in a country in which we can do so without fear of persecution!
You have been discursive, doltish, dismissive, disrespectful, and disheartening. Your dedication to refuting this news is mind-numbingly astounding. The diversity of the comments has been absolutely amazing. It is mind-boggling how truly open-minded the internet has made you. You are passionate about episiotomies and woman giving birth vaginally. You know everything there is to know about hormones and their relation to Postpartum Depression for women. And clearly you know more than the researchers because according to you, the cause of Paternal Postnatal Depression is due to sleep deprivation, lack of sexual gratification from a woman who’s just given birth, and jealousy of all the attention showered on the new baby.
Parenthood is tough. Get over it, you have so sagely said over and over again in a myriad of ways to all the depressed dads out there. I bet you know at least 10 dads. Well guess what? At least one of them is depressed. Can you tell who? I am willing to guess no, no you cannot. Do you want to apologize to him for whatever it was that you said at the CNN website? No?
Let me apologize for you. And then let me say something very important to you for him.
I forgive you.
I.forgive.YOU.
Because one day you may be the one person who finds themselves in the arena staring down a big bad ass bull named Depression. And guess what? That bull doesn’t just politely knock on your door, shrug it’s shoulders when you say it’s not a good time. No, no no, that bull is a bit more like a SWAT team with a battering ram. He’s coming into your life whether you like it or not. And his ass is staying. You’ll be lucky if you have anything left standing by the time he’s done with your place. And I can guarantee you won’t appreciate the renovation. It’s loud. Deafening. Especially at 2am when you so desperately want to be asleep but instead you are up bawling your eyes out with Junior who is convinced it is time to play with his jungle gym mat. There is no greater sense of loneliness anywhere on the planet than to be a depressed parent. NONE! Everything you thought you were, thought you held dear, thought you could once be – gone. Broken into pieces so tiny it will be impossible to rebuild. But somehow you will. Somehow you will pick yourself up off that damned floor (once the bull has left the building, that is), survey the wreckage and be forced to make a decision.
Will you let yourself shatter?
OR
Will you cling to the walls for support until you find a hand reaching out? Will you take that hand, take a deep breath and rebuild? Will you let the terror and fear fade? Will you be man enough to dig yourself out of this hell? Man enough to take care of yourself and want to BE there for your family? Man enough to walk away from the darkness now surrounding you and slowly creeping toward your family?
Well? Will you?
The kicker is that you will not know the answer to these questions until your Bull comes bursting into your life.
May you never meet him.
But in the meantime, do not judge those of us who have. For we, WE have fought the good fight. We have been through hell. We have pulled ourselves through it. Some of us lost our battle. But those of us who are still here have learned valuable lessons we want to pass on to other fathers. We want to share. We want to speak up. We do not muzzle ourselves because of ignorance, mis-information, and judgment.
We deserve to be heard. We deserve compassion. We deserve not to be called “girly men” because we had depression and cried.
Because it’s okay for a man to cry. It’s okay for a man to seek help. It’s okay. It’s OKAY.
Being a man isn’t all about swilling beer, football, hockey, basketball or any other kind of ball.
Once you have a family, it’s about taking care of them. And in order to take good care of your family, you must first take good care of yourself no matter what the cost.
Being a father means being present. It means reading to your kids, it means playing with your kids, it means providing companionship and love to your wife, and contributing overall to caring for the household. You cannot do any of those things if you are depressed and choose not to seek help.
When you judge a man for depression you drive a stake between he and his family. When you judge a man for crying, you cut off a source of release for him. When you judge a man for seeking therapy, you might as well be writing him off altogether.
Please, don’t judge.
I dare you to care. I dare you to ask how that new dad in your life is feeling. Ask if he’s overwhelmed. Ask how you can help. Not when, not let me know – but how. And then follow through. Be present. Encourage self-care. Support new families. It doesn’t take much.
In fact, if everyone would pour as much energy into supporting new parents as they did tearing them down for feeling down, I think we might have a fighting chance at beating this.
Warmest,
Lauren Hale
Postpartum OCD Survivor (2X)
Wife to a Paternal Postnatal Depression Survivor
Postpartum Advocate & Peer Supporter
The May 19, 2010 edition of the Journal of American Medical Association will include research from Dr. James F. Paulson, Ph.D of Eastern Virginia Medical School examining the rates of Paternal Prenatal and Postnatal depression and it’s correlation with Maternal Depression.
After researching 43 studies involving over 28,000 participants fitting their parameters, Dr. James F. Paulson and associate researcher Sharnail D. Bazemore, MS, drew the conclusion that more than 1 in 10 new dads struggle with depression within 3 to 6 months of becoming a father. Interestingly, Paulson and Bazemore included studies examining depression in fathers as early as the first trimester of a pregnancy of a partner. The studies spanned from 1980 to 2009, nearly 20 years of research.
Prenatal and Postnatal Depression was determined to be present in 10% of the cases studied. Postnatal depression spiked between a 3-6 month period and seemed to correlate with a maternal experience of Postnatal Depression
Other mentions of this research across the web today include:
Joel Schwartzberg @ Huffington Post : Postpartum Depression in Men: One Dad’s Story
Joanne Silberner with NPR: Study Finds Dads Suffer Postpartum Depression, Too (There will also be an on-air version tonight on the program All Things Considered. Audio will be available at 7pm ET or shortly thereafter)
Megan Brooks with Reuters: Dads get postpartum depression too: study
Good Morning America Segment via ABC: Postpartum Depression for New Fathers
Depression in men surrounding pregnancy and infancy is rarely discussed. But if the numbers for this research proves to be right, the rate at which these dads are struggling is higher than those of women with depression. While the basis may not be biological as recent research with maternal depression is proving, there is indeed something going on with new dads that needs further exploring.
Perhaps most notable of this research is that Dr. Paulson is an associate professor in Pediatrics. I applaud Dr. Paulson for recognizing the importance of Parental Depression in the lives of our children and hope more pediatric specialists including practitioners and researchers alike would become more involved in helping parents struggling with depression heal.
If you or a new father you love may be struggling with depression during the pregnancy of or the birth of your child, there is help. Dr. William Courtenay runs the Postpartum Men website. There you can find information on symptoms, resources, and a message board to connect with other struggling dads. There is no shame in speaking up. You owe it to yourself, to your child, to your family. You are not alone.
Postpartum Mood Disorders are pesky at the least. If you don’t squash them early by seeking help and creating a positive place where you can relax and fall down, a Postpartum Mood Disorder will turn into a full blown nasty monster. And then you’ll have to use the tranquilizer darts and quite frankly, that hurts.
You are probably here because your wife hasn’t seemed to be quite right since giving birth. Or maybe you’re struggling with some emotional issues and aren’t quite sure where to turn.
First, thank you for seeking help and information in regards to whatever situation you’re in at the moment!
Second, make sure you get yourself in touch with your local Postpartum Support International Coordinator. Even if you’re a guy. Trust me, they’ve got a coordinator for that.
One key thing I want to note here in regards to a Postpartum Mood Disorder is that it’s a real damper on communication. When I was struggling through Postpartum OCD, I expected my husband to read my mind. Yeap. Nevermind that he had not attended Houdini’s School of Telepathy or couldn’t even manage to get something as simple as a napkin to float in the air, he was fully and suddenly expected to know my every thought, need, and behave accordingly. So when he left baby with me instead of pitching in when I torpedoed the request repeatedly at his brain, I got pissed. When he didn’t pick up on the slack in the housework despite me clearly leaving a post-it note on his frontal lobe, I got pissed. You see where I’m going with this?
He never asked what I needed help with. He assumed I would open my mouth and let him know what I needed. Except that for some reason childbirth and Postpartum OCD made that a whole lot harder to do. So I didn’t. And he didn’t. And suddenly there we were, rushing toward Niagra Falls in a wooden barrel.
Communication is key to getting things back on track. Helping out with chores like cooking, cleaning, childcare is imperative. I call this the 3 C method. Ask if she needs help with any of them and you’ll be getting some serious brownie points.
Don’t understand Postpartum Mood Disorders or what’s going on with your wife specifically? Go to the doctor appointments with her. Ask questions. An involved, pro-active spouse is going to get his wife back a lot faster than one who is not involved and is judgmental about what she is currently experiencing. She cannot snap out of her depression. It will take time, it will take work, and it will take dedication.
But the more you ask, the more you do, the more of a routine helping each other out will become in your marriage. She may not thank you at first but trust me, she’ll feel it in her heart. And one day, when she’s well enough, she will say thank you even though those words will never be enough to express how appreciative she is that you dared to jump into the ditch with her.
This week is Baby Week over at Discovery Health. Tonight they will be dealing with Postpartum Mood Disorders.
I had a chance to preview the documentary over the weekend via my other blog, Sharing the Journey.
Overall, it was one of the most informative programs I’ve seen on mainstream television regarding postpartum mood disorders. I almost did not watch the entire show as the descriptions of postpartum mood disorders by the moms are accompanied by some pretty intense footage. Footage so intense, in fact, that I do not feel comfortable recommending that a struggling or newly recovered mother watch the program. If I could get the audio of just the narration to a new/struggling mom, I would do so in a heartbeat. But I would be hesitant in handing over film.
If you have plans to watch the program tonight or have watched the program and have questions, concerns, or need to locate resources near you, please do not hesitate to connect with me via Twitter (username unxpctdblessing) or via email at ppdacceptance(@)gmail.com. If you email me, please be sure to note “Postpartum Nightmares” in your subject line.
The most important thing to know about Postpartum Mood Disorders is that you are indeed not alone, you are NOT to blame, and you will be well.
Click here to read my full reaction post over at Sharing the Journey. You will find resources and further information on many of the topics mentioned in the documentary there as well.
NPR recently did a story regarding the effect Depression has on the entire family. This piece led to the discovery of an organization called “Families for Depression Awareness.”
Founded by a woman who’s brother committed suicide after several attempts to get him help, the organization is dedicated to raising depression awareness for family members. They encourage full family involvement in recovery which is something the Postpartum Dads Project also encourages.
One of the family profiles at Families for Depression Awareness centers around Postpartum Depression. You can read it by clicking here.
Whether it’s your wife or yourself struggling with depression after the birth of a child the two of you owe it to your child(ren) to heal and support the struggling partner. This enables your children to see your dedication to your partner and teaches them the invaluable lesson of not giving up when the going gets tough.
Please take a moment to check Families for Depression Awareness. Know that you are not part of the problem even if your wife is shouting, yelling, and arguing with you for no apparent reason. It’s the PPD talking. You are part of the solution. Offer to take the baby. Encourage her to take time for herself. Research about Postpartum Mood & Anxiety Disorders so you better understand what her world is looking like right now.
More than ever, your wife needs you front and center. Her world has crumbled around her and you are her rock. It’s ok for you to be quivering too. Let her know that. Most often I felt better when I knew my husband was struggling too. It let me know I wasn’t alone. I’m not suggesting you lie to her – just be honest about how things are going for you as you travel the long road back to recovery with her. Honest but not accusatory. Honest but not hateful. Honest but not spiteful. Honest and Compassionate. One day she will thank you. It may not be right now. It may not be tomorrow. But she will thank you down the road. And she may or may not cry while doing so.
Don’t forget guys!
Tonight at 9:00pm, PSI is hosting their weekly chat for Dads. You can call in if you’re struggling to support your partner or struggling with depression yourself. No need for identifying yourself, and it’s free! These calls are limited to 15 callers, last an hour (unless no one calls in – then the Expert will end the call at 15 minutes past the hour). Please remember that this call is NOT meant to replace the advice of a professional.
If you’ve landed here as a result of a Google, Yahoo, Bing, or other search engine, you already know how many results you can get in mere seconds and even sometimes nano-seconds. Thousands! So you wade through the results hoping for reliable and trustworthy information to help with your current situation. Unfortunately, not everything out there is reliable and trustworthy. And even if it is reliable and trustworthy, you should ALWAYS check with a professional prior to implementing or stopping any treatment.
Here are some general tips to help you tell the good from the bad (source: Medical Library Association):
1. Sponsorship
- Can you easily identify the site sponsor? Sponsorship is important because it helps establish the site as respected and dependable. Does the site list advisory board members or consultants? This may give you further insights on the credibility of information published on the site.
- The web address itself can provide additional information about the nature of the site and the sponsor’s intent.
- A government agency has .gov in the address.
- An educational institution is indicated by .edu in the address.
- A professional organization such as a scientific or research society will be identified as .org. For example, the American Cancer Society’s website is http://www.cancer.org/.
- Commercial sites identified by .com will most often identify the sponsor as a company, for example Merck & Co., the pharmaceutical firm.
- What should you know about .com health sites? Commercial sites may represent a specific company or be sponsored by a company using the web for commercial reasons—to sell products. At the same time, many commercial websites have valuable and credible information. Many hospitals have .com in their address. The site should fully disclose the sponsor of the site, including the identities of commercial and noncommercial organizations that have contributed funding, services, or material to the site.
2. Currency
- The site should be updated frequently. Health information changes constantly as new information is learned about diseases and treatments through research and patient care. websites should reflect the most up-to-date information.
- The website should be consistently available, with the date of the latest revision clearly posted. This usually appears at the bottom of the page.
3. Factual information
- Information should be presented in a clear manner. It should be factual (not opinion) and capable of being verified from a primary information source such as the professional literature, abstracts, or links to other web pages.
- Information represented as an opinion should be clearly stated and the source should be identified as a qualified professional or organization.
4. Audience
- The website should clearly state whether the information is intended for the consumer or the health professional.
- Many health information websites have two different areas – one for consumers, one for professionals. The design of the site should make selection of one area over the other clear to the user.
MLA’s guidelines are an excellent starting point and should be used by anyone searching for Medical information on the internet. Many caregivers will also tell you to not search the web for information, especially if you have a Postpartum Mood Disorder. If you have a question and feel overwhelmed with doing research on your own, get in touch with a Postpartum Support International Coordinator, your midwife, or your doctor, and ask for help in doing research. Sometimes you may come across research or news stories that are not applicable to your situation that may cause triggering thoughts or increase your fear and anxiety without justification. This is especially important for parents struggling with a Psychosis or OCD diagnosis.
I also want to take a moment to mention that a good doctor or advocate will be compassionate, understanding, and work with you regarding your desired route of treatment. Good Caregivers and Advocates are able to stay objective and not allow personal experience to cloud their aid to those who seek their help. This does not dismiss advocates who have specialized knowledge of certain types of treatment however – what I mean by this statement is that if you approach and advocate with a question regarding an Anti-Depressant, they should direct you to research regarding that particular medication and encourage you to also speak with your caregiver. They should NOT bash said medication because they’ve had a bad experience with it. If the caregiver or advocate is not compassionate and instead dismiss or attack your desired treatment methods, it’s time to find another caregiver or advocate for support.
As a Postpartum Support International Coordinator myself, I work very hard to support the journey the family is on and the treatment route that best fits with their personal philosophy. I encourage the involvment of professionals – including the OB, midwife, general practitioner, a psychiatrist, and a therapist. I also encourage Moms and Dads to take time for themselves, something we all forget to do from time to time, but is very important for our mental well-being.
So please remember to:
Thoroughly check the source of the information you are reading online using the above guidelines from the Medical Library Association.
Double-check any information regarding starting treatment or stopping treatment with your professional caregiver prior to implementation.
Make sure your caregiver respects your opinion regarding your or your wife’s body/mind. (You both are of course, the #1 expert in this area!) If he/she doesn’t, although it may be difficult, find another caregiver who DOES respect you!
Take time for yourselves as you heal.
Say what?
A Mother’s Day Gift that gives every hour on the hour?
What on Earth are you talking about?
I’m talking about the mega-awesome event going on over at Postpartum Progress, Katherine Stone’s blog and the widest read blog about Postpartum Mood and Anxiety Disorders in the nation!
On Sunday, starting at midnight, Postpartum Progress will be publishing an open “letter” from an absolutely stellar group of authors and bloggers. All of these women (and man) will be sharing from their hears about Postpartum Mood and Anxiety Disorders. Some are medical professionals, some are therapists, some are survivors. But one thing is for sure. They ALL have a passion for supporting women and families as they navigate their way through the survival of a PMAD.
I was fortunate enough to be included in this wonderful group of women. I’m SO excited about this event!
So now you have a gift that gives each and every hour at no cost to you. Sneak away to the printer and grab that hour’s post for the deserving woman in your life. This is one event you don’t want to miss!
You can read more about the event at Katherine’s blog by clicking here.
Postpartum Dads Project 