An Open Letter to non-believers in Paternal Postnatal Depression

Dear Non-Believers:

This past week you have frantically scurried about the Internet from website to website, trolling and tweeting reactions to each story in regards to Dr. James F. Paulson’s study about Paternal Prenatal and Postnatal Depression. The Wall-Street Journal, CNN, The NY Times, you name it, you have been there to broadcast your point of view. And praise God we live in a country in which we can do so without fear of persecution!

You have been discursive, doltish, dismissive, disrespectful, and disheartening. Your dedication to refuting this news is mind-numbingly astounding. The diversity of the comments has been absolutely amazing. It is mind-boggling how truly open-minded the internet has made you. You are passionate about episiotomies and woman giving birth vaginally. You know everything there is to know about hormones and their relation to Postpartum Depression for women. And clearly you know more than the researchers because according to you, the cause of Paternal Postnatal Depression is due to sleep deprivation, lack of sexual gratification from a woman who’s just given birth, and jealousy of all the attention showered on the new baby.

Parenthood is tough. Get over it, you have so sagely said over and over again in a myriad of ways to all the depressed dads out there. I bet you know at least 10 dads. Well guess what? At least one of them is depressed. Can you tell who? I am willing to guess no, no you cannot. Do you want to apologize to him for whatever it was that you said at the CNN website? No?

Let me apologize for you. And then let me say something very important to you for him.

I forgive you.

I.forgive.YOU.

Because one day you may be the one person who finds themselves in the arena staring down a big bad ass bull named Depression. And guess what? That bull doesn’t just politely knock on your door, shrug it’s shoulders when you say it’s not a good time. No, no no, that bull is a bit more like a SWAT team with a battering ram. He’s coming into your life whether you like it or not. And his ass is staying. You’ll be lucky if you have anything left standing by the time he’s done with your place. And I can guarantee you won’t appreciate the renovation. It’s loud. Deafening. Especially at 2am when you so desperately want to be asleep but instead you are up bawling your eyes out with Junior who is convinced it is time to play with his jungle gym mat. There is no greater sense of loneliness anywhere on the planet than to be a depressed parent. NONE! Everything you thought you were, thought you held dear, thought you could once be – gone. Broken into pieces so tiny it will be impossible to rebuild. But somehow you will. Somehow you will pick yourself up off that damned floor (once the bull has left the building, that is), survey the wreckage and be forced to make a decision.

Will you let yourself shatter?

OR

Will you cling to the walls for support until you find a hand reaching out? Will you take that hand, take a deep breath and rebuild? Will you let the terror and fear fade? Will you be man enough to dig yourself out of this hell? Man enough to take care of yourself and want to BE there for your family? Man enough to walk away from the darkness now surrounding you and slowly creeping toward your family?

Well? Will you?

The kicker is that you will not know the answer to these questions until your Bull comes bursting into your life.

May you never meet him.

But in the meantime, do not judge those of us who have. For we, WE have fought the good fight. We have been through hell. We have pulled ourselves through it. Some of us lost our battle. But those of us who are still here have learned valuable lessons we want to pass on to other fathers. We want to share. We want to speak up. We do not muzzle ourselves because of ignorance, mis-information, and judgment.

We deserve to be heard. We deserve compassion. We deserve not to be called “girly men” because we had depression and cried.

Because it’s okay for a man to cry. It’s okay for a man to seek help. It’s okay. It’s OKAY.

Being a man isn’t all about swilling beer, football, hockey, basketball or any other kind of ball.

Once you have a family, it’s about taking care of them. And in order to take good care of your family, you must first take good care of yourself no matter what the cost.

Being a father means being present. It means reading to your kids, it means playing with your kids, it means providing companionship and love to your wife, and contributing overall to caring for the household. You cannot do any of those things if you are depressed and choose not to seek help.

When you judge a man for depression you drive a stake between he and his family. When you judge a man for crying, you cut off a source of release for him. When you judge a man for seeking therapy, you might as well be writing him off altogether.

Please, don’t judge.

I dare you to care. I dare you to ask how that new dad in your life is feeling. Ask if he’s overwhelmed. Ask how you can help. Not when, not let me know – but how. And then follow through. Be present. Encourage self-care. Support new families. It doesn’t take much.

In fact, if everyone would pour as much energy into supporting new parents as they did tearing them down for feeling down, I think we might have a fighting chance at beating this.

Warmest,

Lauren Hale

Postpartum OCD Survivor (2X)

Wife to a Paternal Postnatal Depression Survivor

Postpartum Advocate & Peer Supporter