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Back when we first launched, I promised an interview with Wade Bowen. I am absolutely thrilled to be finally posting his words about his journey through Postpartum Depression with his wife. Wade is a no-holds barred kinda guy. A good ol’ Texas country singer, he’s written a song about PPD, Turn on the Lights, and even hosted a charity Golf Tournament to benefit PSI’s work. I am honored to be sharing his thoughts with you today and hope you or someone you love benefit from his story. Thanks, Wade, for speaking out.
Would you share your experience as your wife struggled with Postpartum Depression? What kind of emotions and thoughts did you have as you witnessed her depression?
Well it was tough at first because she and I had no clue about PPD or that it might be what she was going through. I had really never heard of it before and I’m pretty sure she hadn’t either. So, for the first part of it, I just thought she didn’t love me anymore. Being on the road as much as I was at that time I know it was hard on her and I really felt like I was to blame for what she was going through. The worse it got though, I realized that it was definitely something more than that.
When did your wife’s depression become obvious? What did you both do to help her recover?
I just remember coming home one Sunday and seeing a different person in her eyes when she met me at the door. There was a ton of anger in there and I could see it and I knew that was not her…at least not since I had known her. From there on, I mainly just held on for dear life until she got better. I just tried to be very patient and understanding but it was very difficult to do that most of the time. We fought a lot and disagreed on so many things and she was so protective of our son, that I couldn’t do anything really with him. So, I just held on and hoped it would get better and it did. She didn’t want to talk about it.
How have you grown as a man and as a father as a result of PPD?
Without a doubt. Like they say, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger and I believe that it has all been part of the process of Shelby and I growing our love deeper every day. I know she would tell you the same. I guess you could say that the positive way to look at it is that our relationship went through that and it survived somehow. I think we both now feel we can tackle anything that comes our way. She’s a much stronger person now and I’m so proud of her and the mother she is. It’s pretty amazing to watch.
The song, Turn on the Lights is about your family’s struggle with Depression after the birth of your son. Describe what it was like to write the song and what feelings you have when you perform such a personal tale on stage.
I was right in the middle of the worst period of PPD for us when this idea hit me. The only way to describe it was that I actually felt like a child scared of the dark. Stephony Smith, a beautiful songwriter in Nashville, was patient enough to let this song and the emotions happen. It’s very rare that you can sit with someone and write something this personal but she was all about it and amazing!!
Luckily, for me, my songwriting and my career has always been an open book so I don’t believe too many people were shocked to hear such a true story from me. I do think, however, they were shocked to hear about the details of our story within the song. But that is the best way to conduct yourself I believe with anything in life…lay it all out there and leave nothing to doubt. That way you can always be sure of yourself and your actions. But, once again, the true hero of the song was my wife. She’s the one that forever has to deal with hearing it. She is the one that allowed me to be so public about it so that it may help others. I couldn’t have done it without her.
What do you love about being a father? What is the funniest thing your son has done to date?
I love coming home! That is the most rewarding feeling. I spend so much time away and to have him run to me with a huge smile right when I walk in the door is the coolest thing I will ever experience. It makes everything disappear and I fall right into this wonderful moment of happiness and love. My son is pretty funny overall. I would have to say that his dance moves are my favorite and funniest thing he does. It is one of those things you cannot possibly explain. You just have to see it. So far, he’s been the hit of every wedding I’ve been in!
One thing I often recommend to mothers and families I work with is to keep a gratitude journal. In that spirit, would you share with us what three things you are most grateful for today?
1. My boys
2. My wife
3.The gift of music
Share with us some of the ways you were able to participate in your wife’s recovery even though you were on the road because of your music.
I truly don’t know. Like I said, I just didn’t give up on us. It was so hard to hold on but I just kept believing it was all going to get better and I held on to my son as hard as I could and just tried to be there. I wasn’t perfect and I will never claim that I was. I made many mistakes. I was just unsure what to do at all times. I firmly believe my son held us together more than we did.
Let’s face it. Parenting is not easy. What are some of your most difficult daily parenting challenges?
Well, my most difficult challenge is not being able to be there every day like most parents. That is not easy for me at all and definitely not easy for my wife or my kids. We just make do as you are supposed to do in life and work through it, knowing that is the only way we’ll survive. The one thing that keeps me going is that the boys don’t know any better. So I just remind myself of that and remind myself they will be there when I get home and that keeps me going.
You hosted an event, the Wade Bowen Classic, which benefited Postpartum Support International, a wonderful organization dedicated to supporting women and families as they journey to recover from Postpartum Depression. Would you share with us how this opportunity came about?
I’ve been doing this event for 11 years now and just love doing it. The golf tournament has turned into quite a fun event and now the concert is quickly growing into a huge stream of revenue for our event as well. We actually chose them last year for our charity with the help of a great organization called “Big Hearted Babes.” We hired them to help us with the event and they did some great research on a few different charities in the country. It just seemed that PSI had everything together very well and seemed to be very organized and excited to work with us. PSI was amazing for our event and it has been one of the greatest blessings of my life and career to have worked with them. Together, with the help of some fellow musicians, we raised $85,000! I’d say that is a pretty good start!
And last but not least – if you had a chance to share just one piece of advice with an expectant father (new or experienced), what would it be?
Tell the doctors, nurses, anyone you can find to talk to you both about the possibilities of not only PPD, but the emotional toll that the mother takes when having a baby and ask them for advice on how to handle the emotional stress that is going to happen. It is different for everyone, but almost all experience some kind of emotional change. I firmly believe that this is the “cure” for PPD and a huge step in the right direction to getting women the help they need and deserve!
Our previous post provided insight into a father’s point of view during miscarriage.
Today we look at small study examining the difference of reaction when a couple loses a premature infant.
Through intensive interviews with six couples who had experienced infant loss, the researchers found that the couples still held the infant at a central place in their lives up to six years after their loss. How the grief and suffering is shared seems to greatly depend on the level of emotional communication exchange between partners.
The primary researcher, Stefan Buchi, M.D., states “It is natural to grieve alone, but if a couple is not communicating about the loss of their baby within the first year after death, I would encourage them to seek professional help.”
Most interesting though is that among the “discordant” couples, or those not communicating about the loss of their child, the father seemed to be at the greatest disadvantage. “Men don’t talk about being sad,” shares Stefan.
The researchers also found that sharing the grief increased intimacy and the feeling of belonging whereas not sharing seemed to isolate each parent.
If you look over to the left of this article, you’ll see a little bar denoting “Dad-Blogs.” Dad-Blogs is an awesome site devoted to well, Dad Bloggers. Although I’m a woman, this blog is focused on Dads so I joined up.
One of the founding fathers, Joe Schatz, wrote the following post about his experience when his wife miscarried. Very moved by the transparent and raw emotion, I requested permission to repost the whole thing here. Joe graciously granted it – with the hopes of his words reaching as many as possible.
Losing an infant at any stage of pregnancy or postpartum is difficult. As Joe points out in the first paragraph, much of the compassion and support is showered on Mom. Dads need support too, even if they don’t let you in on how much they’re hurting. Read on.
"Swallowed in the Sea" by kellyb. @ flickr
I think most people view miscarriages as something that only affects women, I know I did. I didn’t let myself grieve or really examine what had happened because everyone rallied around my wife. It wasn’t until months had passed that it hit me-like a ton of bricks.
We were almost three months along and on a vacation with the family when my wife told me that something wasn’t right. It was just before noon when she started to notice blood. We raced home and the doctor sent us to the hospital for an examination and even though there was a lot of “spotting” they weren’t overly concerned-we were though. My wife knew something wasn’t right and her doctor told her to rest although there was nothing she could do if she was about to have a miscarriage. We Google’d it to death and found little comfort in a similar consensus-if she was about to have a miscarriage there was nothing we could do. That night she felt increasingly more ill and finally had to get in the shower to battle nausea and stomach cramps. It was just shortly after she got in the shower I heard her scream for me-it sounded very bad.
Sounds resonate in the memories of many events in my life. I remember the sounds of my grandfathers and grandmothers voices even though they are years gone, I remember the sound of my first cat’s meow and I vividly remember what my wife sounded like when she called for my help that night.
She was basically in hysterics. My eyes quickly shifted from her to the shower’s floor. I will spare you the awful details, but what I saw that evening was horrific. My wife had tried but the drain couldn’t handle removing “it.” There I was with a wife in hysterics, desperate to make “it” go away-I had to act. I grabbed up some tissues and collected “it” and flushed “it” down the toilet. As I carried out the dark deed, I couldn’t help but wonder what it was I was actually flushing. I was sick. She was sick. It lasted maybe two minutes, but it remains with me and always will.
As the days and weeks passed, our family & friends stopped by or sent cards, flowers and care packages to console my wife. It was great; she received a tremendous amount of support. I was there for her too. She was really hit hard by all of what happened. I was somewhere neither here nor there. I was along for the ride and kept denying the fact that I was shaken up by all that happened.
Being a stay at home dad, I was really looking forward to another kid. That’s not to say my wife was looking forward to another child any less than I, but I was already mentally prepared for the changes in my life. I was going to have to deal with poopy diapers and crying kids for that many more years and my professional life was going to be on hold for that many more years all kinda lingered with me even months after the miscarriage.
It was about 4 months after the miscarriage that my wife and I got an opportunity to have a ‘date night.’ We were out alone and it was just strange that was when all the emotions caught up to me. Being an absolute man’s man, I can write this without regret. That night, my wife brought up the evening of the miscarriage and all that transpired and as I began to talk about it–I surprised myself by breaking out in tears. I started crying really hard. I obviously held in my grief for too long and denied myself the opportunity to deal with what happened.
A miscarriage is losing all that could have been and that is a very difficult thing to go through for both of the parents to be. Our culture seems to think miscarriages only affect women, but that truly is half the story. Dads experience feelings of intense grief, shock, helplessness and anger to name a few.
What feelings Dads can expect to deal with after a Miscarriage:
Denial/Shock: The number one thing that dads have to deal with, in my opinion is denial. Our culture emphasizes the fact that women are hurt by miscarriages-don’t get caught up in that trend. It’s ‘ok’ to get upset-you just lost a child to be. You might even feel like nothing happened just after the miscarriage-don’t be fooled.
Helplessness: I remember the night of the miscarriage-I couldn’t do anything to help and it crushed me. After the miscarriage, I was searching Google for days trying to find out why and if we should risk trying for another. It is simply out of your control and although it sounds cliché-these things just happen.
Guilt: As a guy, I remember thinking that maybe my swimmers were defective or even inadequate. Maybe it was how I came to an abrupt stop in the minivan that one time or maybe it was that I didn’t pay attention as carefully as I should to my wife’s diet. It took me a while to let go of that baggage, but it was for the best.
Anger: Why does God let these things happen? Why did God want my baby before he or she was born? I have read that some dads might be angry with themselves or feel responsible for losing the baby and then project this anger onto their wives-this helps no one and is just another emotion that we feel as we go through the grieving process.
Grief: You are likely to experience strong feelings of loss, not only for the child itself but for the life you imagined for yourself and your partner after the baby was born.
Inadequacy: Grief can make you think funny things like, “Maybe I am the cause of all this and not only did I screw up making the baby, but now I am not there for my wife like I should be because I feel so down.” It wasn’t your fault and it never was-talk about what your feelings are with your partner and let out your emotions before they impact you negatively.
Those are some of the emotions to look out for, but what do I do now after reading this?
Men Dealing with Miscarriage:
If you recently experienced loss through a miscarriage, don’t wait-talk about your feelings whenever you can. Don’t be afraid to cry or express yourself-facing your problems head on is braver than hiding behind them with anger and negativity.
If a Friend or Family member is dealing with Miscarriage:
The next time you hear a friend or family member have experienced loss through miscarriage-don’t leave the man out of the healing equation. If you are a women reading this-encourage your husband to do something nice like take the guy out for a round of golf or to go fishing. Give the guys a chance to work it out and talk. If it is your spouse going through this with you – do not leave them out. They are hurting too. The chances are that the stronger they act the more they hurt behind all that.
Are you a dad or potential dad and have had an experience with miscarriage? How did it affect you? Do you think that society rallies around the mom and forgets the dad in these situations?
"Country Morning" by aheatwole @ flickr
Our minds are as different as our faces: we are all traveling to one destination;
–happiness; but few are going by the same road.
(Head on over to the folks @ the Dad Blogs for more Fatherhood Friday fun!)
This week is Blog Week to show support for the MOTHER’S Act. In fact, you can find out more about the event here.
If you’re not familiar with the MOTHER’S Act, you can read it here.
Here at the Postpartum Dads Project, we proudly support this legislation. We believe in it’s purpose. The MOTHER’S Act will aid in removing the stigma from Postpartum Mood Disorders through education and awareness. It will increase the understanding of the condition by providing funding for research into the causes of these disorders.
We’d like to take a moment to encourage you to email Susan Dowd Stone to add your name to a list of supporters to be delivered to Senators on Mother’s Day. We’d also like to ask you to call the H.E.L.P. Committee. The MOTHER’S Act, S 324 is currently in the H.E.L.P. Committee awaiting consideration and floor time. We need to let the members know how important this legislation is to American Families. They can’t wait any longer.
Starting tonight at midnight, you’ll be able to get the low-down on all the details of this week’s blog campaign to show support for the Melanie Blocker Stokes MOTHER’S Act. Details will be available at Sharing the Journey!
The Postpartum Dads Project is proud to be participating!
(By the way, there’s an interview with Mary Jo Codey on the way too!)
There will be blogging, twittering, facebooking, myspacing, DIGGing, and whatever other form of social media you’re into.
There will be calling.
There will be sharing, paying it forward, and strength in numbers as those of us dedicated to supporting new moms in the perinatal period raise our voices in support of this important legislation.
Even if you don’t do blogging or social media, call the H.E.L.P. Committee members to let them know you support this legislation. There will be a call script provided at midnight as well. And if you’re in the mood, there will also be a suggested letter to the editor for you to send into your local papers.
Let’s make this one for the record books, folks!
"sandy flower macro" by *vlad* @ flickr
To see a world in a Grain of Sand,
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.
William Blake
(For more Fatherhood Friday fun, check out the folks over at Dad-Blogs)
The following was originally published by Susan Dowd Stone @ EmpowHer.com. It appears at Postpartum Dads Project with Susan’s permission.
First, let me thank the thousands of you who are sending in your names to endorse life saving legislation for mothers, infants and families. We are trying to post ASAP. Please join us! Many of you have included personal stories of your own experiences which offer a far more powerful inducement to pass this legislation than anything I could ever write. Among the most frequent comment from mothers and family members is “I wish I had known”
We desperately need the public awareness campaigns, research, treatment and support for postpartum mothers that will be funded by The Melanie Blocker Stokes MOTHERS Act NOW. There is not another moment or life to lose.
Joseph A. Raso sent this account of the tragic loss of his precious daughter to postpartum depression. He asked me to post it or share it wherever I felt it could help pass The Melanie Blocker Stokes MOTHERS Act.
The Best Meal of My Life
I experienced the best meal of my life the other day. That’s saying a lot from a man who is just shy of 60, and has spent his entire life in the restaurant business. Since my 6th birthday, when my parents opened up La Bella’s, a little mom and pop Italian restaurant, I have had the opportunity to travel and enjoy delicious meals prepared by some the world’s finest chefs.
Even after my wife left, and I was faced the prospect of raising two energetic children on peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and Hamburger Helper, I never lost my appetite for fine dining.
In the early 90’s I met my current wife Mary, a beautiful single mom of two. Her parents had passed, so I asked her eldest teenage daughter, Crystal, for permission to take her mom to dinner. It’s funny – looking back now, I can’t tell you what Mary was wearing, but the restaurant was a perfect combination of cozy atmosphere and scrumptious food.
As 2000 rolled around, our kids now grown, Mary and I discovered cruise ships. We realized, if we carefully picked our departure dates, we could cruise for about $200.00 a day with the all important, MEALS INCLUDED!
On a cruise ship, nothing surpasses the experience of a savory dinner of two hours, your meal prepared by top chefs, while enjoying an unhurried conversation with your spouse. A brochure on one of our cruises informed us that, for an extra $25.00, we could have the “Ultimate Dining Experience”. We could not believe our meals could get any tastier but we gave it a try. Words cannot explain the evening. The service was impeccable and the food was to die for. Gazing at Mary across the table with the moon rising behind her made my dinner all the more unforgettable.
We have been on about ten cruises now and I never thought we could top those culinary delights, until the other day, when I experienced the best meal of my life.
Crystal, the oldest of our four children, was always the more serious. She was the one to whom we entrusted our most important papers and house keys when we left town. Crystal gave birth to Hannah in 2003 and baby Max in 2007. When Max was born, things just seemed to bother Crystal more. She seemed to worry about everything. We tried to reassure her, but that was Crystal, the worrier.
On Feb 25, 2008, we got together with her and her husband, Chris, for lunch. Everything seemed fine. On Feb 27, 2008 at 11:45 AM, Mary received a call from the police concerning a family emergency at Crystal’s house. As we raced the few blocks to her house, I feared the worse. Did baby Max, not yet four months old, die from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome? I begged: God please let Max be OK!
As we rounded the corner and their house came into view, there were police cars in the streets and driveway. A detective who was polite, but uninformative, stopped Mary and I from entering the house. As I turned back to the street, I noticed Chris holding baby Max. Knowing that Hannah was in school, I asked him what was going on. With a dazed look in his eyes he told us that Crystal had shot and killed herself.
She had seemed unusually worried the past few days, always fussing about Max, unable to get a good night’s sleep. Attempting to breast feed as long as possible, she was concerned that her milk was drying up. We didn’t notice the symptoms of what we later learned was, Postpartum Depression. We just thought that was Crystal, always worrying.
Over a year has now passed. We have all pulled together and gotten into the routine of helping Chris raise Hannah, his precocious first grade daughter, and Max, a handsome boy of sixteen months. I have volunteered to give Max his 06:00 AM feeding five days a week. This occupied my time and kept my mind off of Crystal. Mary would come over at 07:15 and get Hannah ready for school. In the morning commotion, Chris would wolf down some cereal, and if the kids were up, give them a kiss, and out the door he’d go, grateful for us being there.
It is amazing how we live assumptive lives. Every day, we assume our family will always be there. It’s not that we have taken them for granted it is just that no one ever expects to outlive their own child. I now appreciate the little things in life more. I love Max’s happy giggle every morning as I sing to him while changing his diaper. The joy experienced viewing Hannah’s beautiful sleepy face, when she rolls out of bed is unexplainable.
Mary and I took all four grand kids to a matinee the other day. After the movie, we stopped at Target to get them a snack. “We want the Kids $2.00 Hot Dog & Soda Special,” they yelled. Mary and I sat at a table across from them. As we ate, we enjoyed the view of our grandkids just being kids. I savored every second of hearing them laugh and watching them play as I finished my salad and hot dog. It was the best meal of my life.
Joseph and his family ask that you support The Melanie Blocker Stokes MOTHERS Act.
A Newsweek Web Exclusive published April 7 features an interview with Dr. Will Courtenay, an expert in the field of Men’s depression. The article is in Q&A format. Dr. Courtenay skillfully addresses the differences in depression symptoms for men as well as risk factors involved in the development of depression in new dads.
Each Monday, PSI holds informative and supportive tele-chats for men. The details for tonight’s chat are:
“What can I do to support my partner?”
“Is it possible that I’m depressed too?”
“Am I the only guy who’s struggling with becoming a dad?”
This is a place where dads, partners, extended family members or other support people, and professionals can find some answers and support from an expert – and from other men. You’ll find honest and compassionate talk about the adjustment to parenthood, information about how fatherhood can affect you, and some helpful advice.
Chat Facilitators:
Will Courtenay, PhD, is an internationally recognized expert in helping men, a psychotherapist, author, researcher, and founder of www.SadDaddy.com.
Susan Dowd Stone, MSW, LCSW, Chairs PSI’s President’s Advisory Council. She is an author, presenter, advocate, adjunct lecturer at NYU, and is in private practice specializing in women’s reproductive mental health at www.PerinatalPro.com
Specific Information for Tonight:
Monday, April 6, 9:00 EST, Susan Dowd Stone, MSW, LCSW (Participant Code 54583)
Participation can be anonymous. There is no need to register, the sessions are live and free, and the facilitators are licensed mental health professionals.
Participants must call 1-800-944-8766 five minutes before the call begins.
Postpartum Dads Project 