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Check out the article, Managing Depression, at The Father Life by Stanley Popovich. It’s a short, quick read that gives three techniques on how to manage depression as a father!
I apologize for the lack of update here the past week. You see, we’ve been sick. All of us. Except for Chris. He’s had his ups and downs but more than not, he’s been the one we’ve turned to in our time of need. I’ve been asleep more often than not since Christmas afternoon due to a nasty cough/cold bug that seems to be making its rounds. Our daughter Alli ended up at the ER a week ago today with it and was diagnosed with Possible Pneumonia. Now the rest of us have it and she is still recovering as well which doesn’t bode well for the rest of us in the recovery process. This sucker is going to take it’s time.
I do have a point for you in all of this.
It’s been absolutely wonderful to be able to rely on Chris to keep things running while I’ve been down. He’s taken over the reigns and done awesome things with the kids. And he hasn’t made me feel guilty once for not being able to do my job due to being sick.
When your wife is struggling with a Postpartum Mood Disorder, it is no different than if she is suffering from a severe cold or the flu. Trust me, she wants to feel better, she really does. No one wants to be lost in the depths of sadness, have horrible fleeting thoughts of harming your baby crossing your mind, be riddled with panic or anxiety attacks. If we could somehow wave a magic wand and make it all go away, we would. Alas, we can’t. All we can do is be brave enough to ask for help and trust in those around us to rally and help us on our path to recovery.
One of the most common things a woman tends to do during a Postpartum Mood Disorder is wish that her husband would pick up the slack with the baby or ask how she’s doing or what he can do to help.
But she won’t tell you this. No, she will let it simmer and steam and stew and then explode when you ask a simple little question or remark that she looks tired. And you’re left holding the crumbling cards wondering what on earth YOU did wrong. The answer? Nothing. After all, you’re not a mind-reader, right?
Here are a few things you may want to get a head start on doing once baby arrives in order to avoid this scenario:
- Change baby’s diaper (I know, I know but hey, it’s really not that bad)
- Offer to take care of baby after baby’s nursed/fed
- Feed baby if you can (For you dads with partners who are breastfeeding, this may have to wait until about 6wks when mom can pump and nipple confusion won’t be a huge issue if baby gets a bottle once in awhile in but in the meantime you can change baby and take care of baby once he/she has nursed. You can also check out KellyMom for more info regarding breastfeeding)
- Encourage mom to shower or let her have some time to herself (and don’t forget to take some time of your own too!)
- Educate yourself about the signs and symptoms of Postpartum Mood Disorders (and what you can do to help.)
Your wife may not be able to say thank you right away. It may not even be in a few months. Eventually she will say thank you. It may not even be in the form of words but in actions. I can’t even begin to tell you the deep appreciation and respect I have for my husband. He supported me through it all and while it was amazingly difficult for both of us and the worst of it found me curled up in the floor after having shouted at him in front of our two year old daughter, we are still hanging tough because we both recognized it for what it was and sought help in our own ways.
Thank you Chris, for standing by me when I needed you most. I don’t think I can ever say that enough.
This one gets personal and brutally honest for me.
I am recovered from Postpartum Obsessive Compulsive/Depression. It’s taken some time and been a very hard and long road. The darkest depths witnessed me collapsed on the floor sobbing in tears after yelling at my husband in front of our then two year old daughter, fleeting horrible images racing through my head every waking moment, curled in the fetal position rocking back and forth willing myself to stay there so that I wouldn’t hurt myself or my children, and admitted to a psych ward.
The lessons I learned? Absolutely invaluable. While I wouldn’t wish my experience on anyone else in the world, I know that it was priceless and has truly carved me into the woman I am today. I know now that I cannot control what others think of me and I cannot give them permission to hurt me. I know now that God is with me and I feel his presence each and every day. I know now that I stand strong and breathe deeply because of His sacrifice for me. And I know that I will not let another family struggle the way mine has if there is something I can do to prevent that from happening.
All that said, my journey and growth is not yet over. Yes, I am recovered. But now it is my husband’s turn to collapse and my turn to support him, to show him the same compassionate understanding, loyalty, and guidance he showed me when I too couldn’t tell which way was up.
My husband was a drug addict when I met him. At the time I thought it was merely recreational and did not realize how deep his problems went. The use became worse after our second daughter, again, unbeknownst to me. Nine months ago I was involved in a car accident and quite a bit came to surface. He had been spending nearly $100/month on his habit while we were struggling to barely pay our bills. He hadn’t paid our vehicle insurance and I went to jail for his mistake. Together we hammered out a plan and got him to a therapist, a psychiatrist, and a faith-based recovery program. He is still sober today.
But we are now in what we’re calling phase two of recovery. Dealing with the nasty habits the drug use hid and the habits that are residuals of an addict like lying. We’ve lost just about everything and yet we still have faith and know that we will come through this – as long as we work at it together – something we both excel at. Give us a crisis and we can power our way through it in now time. This time around is a little harder and I am certainly shaken to my core. We have a lot of hard questions and choices ahead of us but I have no doubt that no matter what the answer is, we will both be able to survive.
The reason I tell you all of this is to ultimately introduce my husband’s new blog to you. It’s entitled Diary of a Real Man. He’s posted his first entry tonight and I would really encourage you to go check it out. Share it with others including any men in your life that may be facing similar circumstances and just need to know that they are not alone.
I would also encourage you to visit Married to Depression for a wife’s insight into what it’s like to live with a man who’s depressed.
(repostedd from Unexpected Blessing)
Bob Gibbs is the father of Jennifer Bankston, the woman for whom the foundation Jenny’s Light has been founded. Jennifer tragically took both her life and her infant’s life as a result of PPD. Her family was unaware of this horrible disease and did not see the warning signs. Bob, his wife Sandy, Jenny’s sister Becky, and numerous family and friends have put their heart and soul into Jenny’s Light to ensure others do not suffer in silence the same tragedy they have experienced. I applaud their efforts and numerous achievements to date. As more families and women speak up about our experience with PPD, the louder our voice becomes – forcing change around us, eroding the stigma, and empowering new mothers faced with these same challenges – giving them the courage to step up and get the help they DESERVE.
What factors surrounding Jenny’s experience led to the development of Jenny’s Light?
I think the main thing was that it seemed so senseless and we wanted to have some good come from it. We wanted to create a lasting legacy for Jenny and Graham.
For me, the more I work with women and their families, helping to educate and aid them in recovery, the stronger I become. Have you found this to be true with your work through Jenny’s Light?
Definitely! Sandy and I feel like this is our therapy. It is so gratifying to know other people appreciate what we’re doing.
What are some of the things Jenny’s Light has already achieved in such a short time?
We have distributed over 20,000 PPD info cards, mostly at Triathlons, had over 25,000 hits on our website representing 73 countries, received hundreds of testimonials from mom’s who saw our site and were moved to seek help, raised over $140,000 in just 9 months, and have formed a partnership with Allina Health Systems and Abbott hospital to develop a universal screening program within their system.
I am absolutely amazed at the level of fundraising already in place for Jenny’s Light. Has the outpouring of support for your organization surprised you as well?
At first we were overwhelmed, but the more responses we saw on our website, the more we realized that this was a problem that needed attention and the people that had been touched by it wanted to help.
What are some signs and symptoms parents and family members should watch for after a woman gives birth that may be indicative of an underlying emotional disorder?
There are many! Frequent crying or tearfulness, loss of interest or pleasure in life, difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much, feeling worthless, hopeless or guilty, showing little interest in your baby, to mention a few.
As is often mentioned to new mothers, taking time for oneself is important. What do you do to recharge yourself after a long day?
Sandy and I are both bike riders and outdoor nuts. We have a cabin in northern Wisconsin that is definitely our recharge zone.
In your opinion, what should all expectant mothers know about PPD before they give birth?
They should know the symptoms, be aware of the dangers, have a strong support system in place, and know they are not bad mothers if they don’t feel on top of the world.
What should health care providers do to improve their treatment and prevention of PPD?
This is the area where the most work is needed. No specialty really wants to take on more work in dealing with this problem. We are attacking it from the Mental Health angle. There needs to be screening, follow-up, and care provided to these mother if don’t want to see repeats of what happened to Jenny and Graham.
During this time in your life, what has given you strength to go on after losing Jenny and Graham?
Jenny was a very special person. She was loved by so many people, Sandy and I have a hard time comprehending it sometimes. We feel that continuing her legacy of caring is important for us and all the people that she touched.
Last but not least, do you have any advice for other parents who have a new or expectant mother in their lives?
Parents, spouses, friends, all need to know about the signs of PPD’s . One of the most sinister things about PPD is that mothers are often hesitant to ask for help, fearing they will be looked upon as unfit mothers.
I first saw Michael Lurie on a Fox Morning program and immediately thought how wonderful it was for him to be sharing his story as it is very rare indeed to get a glimpse into the postpartum experience from a father’s perspective. In his book, My Journey to Her World: How I Coped with My Wife’s Postnatal Depression, Michael is transparently open and honest with the events as they unfolded. Familiar with his wife’s previous depressive episodes, her postnatal experience and his subsequent depression went well beyond anything either of them could have ever fathomed. I am honored to share his words with you here and sincerely hope that you will share them with the men in your lives. Michael has been extremely gracious and kind (we’ve had technical difficulties in pulling this together – our emails weren’t the greatest of playmates!) in completing this and I thank him for his patience. I also thank him for his bravery in forging such a valuable addition to resources available for fathers with partners suffering from postpartum depression.
Click here to purchase your own copy of My Journey to Her World
How hard was it for you to witness your wife’s struggle with Postpartum Depression? What were some of the emotions you went through?
Very difficult to heartbreaking. Some emotions I went through were:
Helplessness- not being able to make things better quickly
Disbelief- I couldn’t believe things hag gotten so bad
Anger- Angry with G-d for Kate’s illness. Anger at family and friends who I felt did not fully understand the severity of the situation
Fear- that Kate may harm herself and the baby
At what point did you decide to write your book, My Journey to Her World?
Following several months of watching Kate deteriorate, I started brainstorming my thoughts on a piece of paper t try and get some cathartic release. A I wrote down my thoughts, I realized that this was a story that needed to be told to others in order to help others and avoid the frustration I felt at not having a resource spec ifically aimed for men.
Has becoming a Father changed you?It has given me a sense of unconditional responsibility and love to my children which will last the rest of my life.
What aspect of being a Father is the most challenging? The Least?
Most challenging- the constant feeling of responsibility for another human being who is totally dependent on you.
Least challenging- the ability to unconditionally love your child.
How difficult was it to accept your own experience with depression during this time? Do you feel it brought you closer to your wife and allowed you to better understand her?
It was very difficult to accept my position and I need it confirmed by a third party (doctor) before acknowledging it. It did bring me closer to my wife as I got a small ‘taste’ of what a sufferer of depression goes through.
What are some things you did to actively support your wife during her episode of Postpartum Depression?
I ensured that she was functional even at her worst point and asked her to do even the smallest of chores- e.g. help me fold the laundry.
I acknowledged her feelings and let her release emotions without questioning whether they were rational or not.
I ensured that on a practical level, there was nothing to worry about
I respected her need at times to be alone
I made her feel 100% comfortable to tell me how she was feeling at any time of day or night
Just as women with PPD learn that taking care of themselves is important, this is a lesson that Fathers should heed as well. What do you do on a regular basis to feed your soul and ensure that you stay in a good place?
Nurture and develop your hobbies and interests. Remember that you are first and foremost an individual who needs to look after them self in order to look after others.
Did PPD strengthen or weaken your marriage? Do you feel that you both are in a better place now than prior to PPD?
It strengthened it as it made us more committed to one another.
It made me appreciate my wife more for overcoming it and being such a fantastic mother
I would not say we are in a better place now as we were in a good place beforehand. I would say we are in a different place now as we have the realization and experience of PPD and its devastating effects.
What do you find to be the best part of being a Father?
The privilege of providing love and care for a child and seeing them develop into fulfilled and content people
If there was one piece of advice you could give to an expectant father (new or experienced), what would it be and why would this be important for him to hear?Talk to people and if there is a problem – seek help. Don’t suffer alone.
PSI offers free teleconferencing with an expert every Wednesday. (This Wednesday’s session is at 9pm EST.) Participation can be anonymous and is for moms, family members, support people, and professionals can get their questions answered by a mental health professional. You can read more about the sessions here.
I’m subscribed to a really cool daily newsletter service. It’s over at Delancey Place. This particular newsletter service sends you an excerpt on a topic each morning. The topics have ranged from Charlie Brown to Recession to Marco Polo to Babe Ruth. It’s pretty wide ranging and intensely fascinating especially if you’re like me and love to know random little facts you can spout off at the drop of a hat.
Today’s excerpt was on Happiness and comes from a recently published study done by a Harvard Professior and documented in the British Medical Journal regarding how the moods of those around us affect our own mood and outlooks on life. He studied a group of over 4700 people and the effects of happiness within social network over the course of 20 years. Without further ado, here’s the excerpt as I received it in my mail this morning:
In today’s excerpt-happiness is contagious, and it is more contagious than unhappiness. In a twenty-year study of over 4700 individuals, Harvard professor Nicholas Cristakis carefully examined the effects of happiness within a social network, and documented the results in the British Medical Journal. The following is excerpted from the much more detailed paper presented in a recent issue of that journal:
“Emotional states can be transferred directly from one individual to another by mimicry and ’emotional contagion,’ perhaps by the copying of emotionally relevant bodily actions, particularly facial expressions, seen in others. People can ‘catch’ emotional states they observe in others over time frames ranging from seconds to weeks. For example, students randomly assigned to a mildly depressed room-mate became increasingly depressed over a three month period, and the possibility of emotional contagion between strangers, even those in ephemeral contact, has been documented by the effects of ‘service with a smile’ on customer satisfaction and tipping. …
“While there are many determinants of happiness, whether an individual is happy also depends on whether others in the individual’s social network are happy. Happy people tend to be located in the centre of their local social networks and in large clusters of other happy people. The happiness of an individual is associated with the happiness of people up to three degrees removed in the social network. Happiness, in other words, is not merely a function of individual experience or individual choice but is also a property of groups of people. Indeed, changes in individual happiness can ripple through social networks and generate large scale structure in the network, giving rise to clusters of happy and unhappy individuals. These results are even more remarkable considering that happiness requires close physical proximity to spread and that the effect decays over time. …
“These models show that happy alters (friends) consistently influence [an individual’s] happiness more than unhappy alters, and only the total number of happy alters remains significant in all specifications. In other words, the number of happy friends seems to have a more reliable effect on ego happiness than the number of unhappy friends. Thus, the social network effect of happiness is multiplicative and asymmetric. …
“All these relations indicate the importance of physical proximity, and the strong influence of neighbours suggests that the spread of happiness might depend more on frequent social contact than deep social connections. …
“Happiness spreads significantly more through same sex relationships than opposite sex relationships. …
“Conclusions: Human happiness is not merely the province of isolated individuals. … The better connected are one’s friends and family, the more likely one will attain happiness in the future. … People’s happiness depends on the happiness of others with whom they are connected. This provides further justification for seeing happiness, like health, as a collective phenomenon.”
James H Fowler and Nicholas A Christakis, “Dynamic spread of happiness in a large social network: longitudinal analysis over 20 years in the Framingham Heart Study,”British Medical Journal, 4 December 2008.
Recent research undiscovered the possibility of a genetic link to PPD. Although this is new and we must remember that genes are always in a constant state of flux based on physological and nutritional intake, this is a step in the right direction and encouraging nonetheless. Dr. John Medina has published an article regarding these findings over at Psychiatric Times. He had some interesting things to say about Dads too!
According to Dr. Medina, “Postpartum depression was originally coined to describe this experience in the mother, although it is becoming clear that fathers can experience very similar emotions too.”
He goes on to state that “There is increasing evidence that men can also experience depression after the birth of their child. The rates can be astonishingly high—about 1 in 4 fathers are affected in some studies; this rate climbs to 1 in 2 if his spouse is also depressed. The effect can be recursive. Loss of emotional support from the female because of depression may cause or exacerbate depression in the male, which in turn may retrigger depressive behaviors in the female.”
The entire article is absolutely fascinating but I will warn you that it’s very cut and dry and science/research focused. If this is something you normally read or are naturally interested in, I highly recommend taking a gander at the entire text which you can find here.
This has been reprinted from Unexpected Blessing. Thanks Dan, for being open, honest, and granting permission for us to share your words here.
I first stumbled across Dan’s blog (LABAIRI) quite awhile back. I left a comment and he emailed me to thank me for my kind words. We’ve kept in touch here and there, mostly I read his Twitter updates. (I Twitter too – unxpctdblessing is my username there) A few weeks ago I asked him if he would be willing to do an interview as he is a dad who has PPD experience. Dan opened up and is very honest and forward with his answers. I sincerely hope you enjoy today’s interview as much as I did when I first received his reply!
Would you share with us your insight on your wife’s journey as she struggled with PPD?
Jenna suffered PPD with all three of our children. Each time was different, PPD isn’t the same for every woman – it’s not even the same for one woman! The second bought was the worst. It was just a dark time – so dark that there are moments during that year that Jenna and I don’t even remember. We look at pictures and have no idea the circumstances. The darkness was just overwhelming. Nothing was right and everything was difficult. She suffered a lot, and I was really at a loss at how I’d be able to help her through this.
What were some of the first signs you noticed that made you think things weren’t quite right?
During the first time around, we didn’t know this was even happening – only 5 years ago, but awareness has come a LONG way since then. But looking back I guess there was a huge lack of motivation to do anything from getting out of bed in the morning to get up in the middle of the night to feed our son. It seemed odd – but we thought that this must just be sheer exhaustion from Jenna also working part-time. Plus, during those first 8 months after Liam was born, our relationship was tanking. I remember thinking if this is what marriage is like after kids that I didn’t want any more of them. (You can laugh – we have three and another on the way from Ethiopia!)
How have you grown as a man and as a father as a result of PPD?
Wow, great question. As a father, PPD grew me up really fast. As Jenna had moments where she was unable to care for the kids as she would have liked, I had no choice but to step in and make it work. I wasn’t secure in my parenting skills by any stretch of the imagination (the first diaper I ever changed was Liam’s). But I loved my family more than life, and these times forced me to step up to the responsibility.
As a man, I know I am more sensitive to expectant and new mothers. I know how hard it can be. I know the hell that it can be on the family. I advocate for fathers to step up and care for their wives as this is the “for better or for worse” part of the vows we made before God. I’ve never been a “manly-man” with the barefoot and pregnant mentality, but this time reinforced that caring for our wives as Christ loves the church is the only way to make a marriage work. There is a lot of sacrifice to be made as a husband/father, with or without PPD. I’m definitely a better person for having been through this with Jenna.
How did your faith support you through your journey?
WOW. We couldn’t have done this without our faith. Almost without a doubt, without our faith we would never have made it through that first year after Liam. Those were really dark times. The Psalms were a great comfort as we journeyed though PPD. David talks so often of going through the valley and crying out to God for help. Those passages of lament gave words to the cry of our hearts, cries that found words difficult to come by. We also couldn’t have done this without our faith community. Especially after PPD was diagnosed and we could talk about it with some clarity, people brought us meals, they stayed with us and helped out wherever they could. The support structure our faith community gave us was invaluable and at least for me reaffirmed the beauty of the local church and the potential she has to do good in this world.
What do you love about being a father?
Coming home from work and having a little person scream “DADDY!” at the top of her lungs while running to give me a bear hug! Those moments make all of the bad ones disappear in seconds.
What lessons have you learned from PPD?
Hmm. What first comes to mind is that no one is immune from pain. I think we all figure that PPD (or anything else bad) won’t happen to us. Jenna had NEVER suffered any sort of depression before PPD. There were absolutely no warning signs on this one. We never prepared ourselves for the worst. Jenna and I had no plan for PPD when it happened, no safety net or plan b. As a result, we’re going through an adoption right now, which is going very well. But in the back of my mind, I’m preparing for what might go wrong – and there is plenty to go wrong in international adoptions. It’s given me a healthy dose of preparedness that I’d never had before.
Depression isn’t just a bad thing. I know, that sounds like an insane statement to make, but let me explain. Depression allows you for a time to see life, and perhaps embrace life, as it really is – broken and in desperate need of repair. As a result of PPD, I savor even the “just OK” times in life because I know how bad it can get.
People are good. Surrounding yourself with a support network is one of the best things you can do for PPD. Do this before you experience tragedy; experience the joys of community as well.
Share with us some of the ways you were able to participate in your wife’s recovery.
1. Realize that this is something that I can’t fix. Once that was cemented into my head, I was free to just be the best husband / father I could be.
2. Take over duties/chores. Taking away the stresses – cleaning, cooking, etc. – that I could seemed to free her mind to think about the kids. Along with this, I also had the freedom to flex my hours at work. I stayed home until the kids were fed and clothed. I was home for the bedtime routine and canceled my evening appointments. This isn’t easy, but this speaks VOLUMES to your wife – you’re making her a priority.
3. I went with her to her first PPD group meeting. I wanted to show my support, even if it was just driving her to the wellness center so she didn’t feel like she’d get lost. Along with this, I made her being able to go to PPD group a priority. I rearranged my schedule, took appointments out of my schedule, etc. To make that happen.
4. I made every effort to help her start Life After Baby, the support group she started at our church – helping design web images, fliers, etc. She has since graduated from the group herself, but the group will still meet with new leadership this coming year.
Let’s face it. Parenting is not easy. What are some of your most difficult daily parenting challenges?
We now have three kids. Jenna’s pretty much recovered from her third trip through PPD (this hasn’t been the worst, just the longest – Addi is 2). Daily challenges: navigating the kids through the best friends/worst enemy phase of being siblings. They can turn on a dime, and helping them work through the worst enemy side of that coin is not easy. Finding alone time with each of the kids and making sure that each is getting a good amount of personal attention. And I guess that last challenge would be more on the marriage side of things, but making sure that Jenna and I don’t lose touch in the process of caring for the kids. It’s easy to focus everything on them and give the leftovers to each other. We’ve got to make each other a priority!
Shameless plug time. Tell us about your blog and why you started it.
My blog: labairi (or life as best as I remember it) was started basically as an outlet for me to write my thoughts on life. I’m an avid journal writer, and figured I’d put that to good use for the world to read–No grand ambitions, just a guy and his thoughts. It’s definitely evolved in the past three years as I’ve allowed myself to become more transparent with what’s actually going on sharing our journey and my thoughts on PPD as well as my own bouts with depression and anxiety. Since starting the blog, it’s been amazing to see what being transparent can do. I’ve connected and helped several PPD dads and family members helping them walk through some of the worst moments. I’ve been able to read books on fatherhood sent to me by authors. And I’ve just met some incredibly cool people that encourage me to be a better person. My blog is sometimes serious, sometimes fun, but always real.
And last but not least – if you had a chance to share one piece of advice with an expectant father (new or experienced), what would it be?
Embrace every moment good and bad, you can’t get them back. Choose your family above your golf game and if you can help it, your work life. You may make less money, but in the long run you’ll be investing in something that lasts for eternity.
It’s the weekend! No work, no boss, just your whims, right? Well, at least, that’s the way it used to be. Now that you’re a family man, the priorities have changed a bit.
There’s no reason you have to give up golf or basketball or whatever hobby it is you enjoy completely. No – go dust those clubs off. Inflate that ball. Go play. It’s called Compromise. You go play ball, she gets a ladies night out or a hot bath with no kids interrupting her to use the potty or show her the really cool spider they just caught scurrying across the floor.
Parenting isn’t about balancing. No, it’s about juggling. Balancing requires knowledge of everything involved, the precise weights and measurements. Juggling can be done with just about anything – from ping pong balls to heavier things like bowling pins.
Now let’s apply this theory to the life of a parent. say for instance you’re at work and your spouse calls. The baby’s spit up all over the place and won’t stop screaming. Your middle child has diarrhea and your older child, well, she’s four so that explains itself. Did I mention you only have one car? Instantly you assess the situations and assign them an order. Methodically you deal with each situation in order to deal with the next one. This is not balance. As a juggler of life, you have to be able to handle what is going up and what is going to come down. Once this has been mastered, nothing will scare you. Not even a gooey spaghetti covered two year old running directly at you when you’ve just come home from work.
So yes, you can juggle your clubs or your basketball, the kids, the wife, the house, and the job. Just don’t try to balance them and you’ll be just fine!
Postpartum Dads Project 