Momversation: A Husband’s Reaction to Postpartum Depression

Go check out this new dad’s story over at Momversation. It’s a very honest, insightful, and brave look into the storm through dad’s eyes.

I’m sad he hasn’t taken time to deal with his own emotions surrounding the storm but certainly can relate. As my husband worked through addiction recovery I was often placed on the back burner. This is not healthy. The healthier I am, the better care I am able to provide for those around me. (think apply the oxygen to self before others)

Please don’t forget to take care of yourselves in the midst of the storm, dad. We moms need you to be at your best so we can be at ours.

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Postnatal Paternal Depression: An inside view with Joel Schwartzberg

Back in April, Newsweek published an article by a dad who had experienced depression after the birth of his son. This dad’s name is Joel Schwartzberg. He’s got a new book out, The 40 Year old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad. After a recent interview on a blog I regularly read, The Collective Inkwell, I snagged him for an interview here. I hope you’ll enjoy his honesty, his wisdom, and his strength.

Thanks for sharing, Joel.

Tell us a little about Joel Schwartzberg, the guy. What would he be doing on a typical Friday night if he had it to himself?

I’m all about comfort, so it wouldn’t be much different from how I’d spend it with my wife and our five cats: relaxing on our soft couch, checking email, watching reruns of “Law & Order” and eating something delicious she made. Though, to be fair, if I was by myself you’d have to substitute a slice of eggplant parmigiana pizza for my wife’s inspired cooking. It’s not exactly glamorous, but it is me.

In your Newsweek article, Slouching Towards Fatherhood, you open up about your depression after the birth of your son. In the piece you mention a realization of depression years after it occurred. How did this realization put life as a father into perspective for you?

Realizing I had suffered from depression (and wasn’t just a naturally “bad dad”) gave me the inspiration and confidence to rebuild my personal dadhood from scratch. Before then, I felt paternally-challenged, handicapped as a dad, a total fathering failure. Now, as I define my dadhood based on my own standards and expectations, I don’t fear failure. Parents are not perfect; failure is a crucial part of the process of becoming a better parent.

Depression looks different when it happens to a guy after the birth of a child. What did depression look like for you? What are some signs and symptoms other men and their loved ones should learn to recognize? What can partners do to help if a loved one is sinking into a deep depression?

The clearest symptom of my depression was the way I grasped desperately for moments of self-indulgence, most often with food. I would savor opportunities to leave the house “on an errand” and get big fat cheeseburgers. I think I outpaced my son 10-1 in terms of weight gain that month alone. Eating fast food was a secret; it even felt like cheating, but it also felt like one of the few parts of my individual identity that wasn’t obliterated by parenthood. When men start keeping secrets from their partners, something is amiss in the relationship; someone’s needs are not getting met.

I’m not a psychologist, but my advice for women partners is to understand that some men need to retain a semblance of their pre-parenthood lives, and that need should be supported and nurtured as much as possible, as well as openly discussed. Also, a marriage needs to be pro-actively preserved, not martyred, as it gets rocked by the wrecking ball of sudden parenthood.

The perpetuated myth of the typical male as a stalwart statue resounds pretty deeply within the modern psyche. Have you experienced any backlash as a result of sharing your experience with depression? How have you coped with those who have harshly judged your experience?

Depression in men — dads in particular — is often taken as a sign of weakness and cowardice. People have told me I needed to just “man up”, but I think it takes a lot of courage to admit vulnerability, and dealing with emotions openly is ultimately healthier than burying them. I’ve had people call me some pretty nasty things, but just as many men and women have approached me with similar stories, and found my writing to be “gutsy.”

I feared a backlash from women with PPD because women have a biological, umbilical connection to their kids; Dads just have to hold on tight. So who are we to claim post-partum depression? But women who’d suffered from PPD had some of the most supportive responses to my writing.

My reaction to those who called me a “crybaby”, “weak,” and a “terrible excuse for a man” is simply to say: I had difficulty accepting sudden fatherhood — the biggest upheaval in life —  and I’m owning up to it. I also overcame it, love my children, and have a great relationship with them now.

This goes against the grain because it doesn’t fall into one of the top three father stereotypes: Deadbeat (Gosselin), Lazy (Romano) and Super-Dad (Cosby); the guilt of not living up to that last impossible expectation can be really destructive, but slipping into a lazy parenting role is also a disservice and a missed opportunity to
connect with your kids in a really meaningful way.

It’s my current wonderful and honest relationship with my kids that gives me faith that I’m doing the right thing as their father. I’m a more genuine dad for having been completely honest with myself.

List three things which made you smile or laugh today.

1. A news report about a stray cat that was stuck under the hood of a
car during a long road trip, but survived and escaped injury. I’m sure
it had a grudge; I believe cats are the only animals capable of
holding grudges.

2. Having my mechanic not only look at my flat tire without an
appointment, but also shuttle me to the train station so I wouldn’t
have to walk in the cold.

3. Getting handed a slice of mud pie for a colleague’s birthday party.
I love office parties.

As a result of the depressive episodes both my husband and I experienced after the birth of our second daughter, we have begun to talk with our children about depression in an age-appropriate manner. Have you spoken with your oldest son about depression yet? If not, do you think you will in the future and what do you see that conversation including?

I’m very fortunate that my kids are very bright and open with their emotions, so we talk about a full range of feelings. They’re too young to grasp the concept of clinical depression, but they understand confusion, sadness, and frustration very well, as we deal with those feelings almost every time I see them.

I don’t plan on advertising my depression to them, but I hope when they’re old enough to read and understand that essay in particular, they’ll see the value in being honest with oneself, and how writing can play a part in that process.

I do talk to them openly about anger-management – both theirs and mine. These discussions help me help them, and help them see me as a complete human, not just as a parent. I think it’s good for older children to see their parents as people, not just parents.

At the Postpartum Dads Project we believe Postpartum Mood Disorders are a WHOLE family thing. What kind of support, if any, did you have during your depression after the birth of your son? How do you think your level of support at the time affected your recovery? What can new dads do to build a supportive network around themselves?

My ex-wife is a psychologist and quickly diagnosed me as having PTSD following my son’s birth. It’s certainly possible I had PTSD, but my main problem in those early days was the decimation of my identity. I coped with that by draping myself in denial – which in retrospect only extended my depression.

I’m not the type of person to have a close circle of friends, and I wasn’t honest enough with myself or others to make use of that kind of support system anyway. My parents are very “right and wrong” kind of parents, so I did not turn to them either. Ultimately, it took time, therapy, and – frankly — divorce for me to recover.

I feel new dads really need to share experiences, not just advice, with each other. One of the reasons I wrote the book was because it was something I needed when I got divorced. Finding legal tips online was easy; getting comfort less so. With no divorce whatsoever in my family history, I needed to know I wasn’t alone.

I’m still inspired by other dads who talk about their difficulty with sudden parenthood – sometimes they whisper it to me. What we need is compassion and understanding.

Your depression ultimately led to your divorce. Would you share with our readers what the inside of a divorce looks like? What helped you survive and thrive during this difficult time?

My depression definitely made me harder to live with, but — to my eyes — my ex wife’s abandonment of our marriage for parenthood caused the divorce. While our actual separation was fairly calm, the inside of a legal divorce is an ugly place where justice and fairness collides with feelings and justifications, but the outside can be peaceful if the two parties realize that civility does not require agreement or even understanding.

My kids actually helped me cope with the divorce by showing love for me as an individual, outside our former family context. When they live with me, it makes me feel like a father. And that’s a wonderful, fulfilling feeling.

What is your absolute favorite thing about fatherhood? Share with us a quick story about one of the funniest things one of your kids has done.

My favorite thing to do with my kids – and the least expensive — is go to Kmart. They hang on to the big red shopping carts while I take sharp turns, go on shopping list scavenger hunts, stack bottles of Dad’s favorite black cherry sparkling water, gawk at the massive display of Halloween costumes, and run up the down escalators. It never gets old.

Last but not least, let’s say you have just a split second to give some advice to a struggling new dad before he jumps in a cab. What would you tell him?

Be the dad you are, not the dad people in your life or in your television expect you to be.

1) Tell us a little about Joel Schwartzberg, the guy. What would he be
doing on a typical Friday night if he had it to himself?

I’m all about comfort, so it wouldn’t be much different from how I’d
spend it with my wife and our five cats: relaxing on our soft couch,
checking email, watching reruns of “Law & Order” and eating something
delicious she made. Though, to be fair, if I was by myself you’d have
to substitute a slice of eggplant parmigiana pizza for my wife’s
inspired cooking. It’s not exactly glamorous, but it is me.

2) In your Newsweek article, Slouching Towards Fatherhood, you open up
about your depression after the birth of your son. In the piece you
mention a realization of depression years after it occurred. How did
this realization put life as a father into perspective for you?

Realizing I had suffered from depression (and wasn’t just a naturally
“bad dad”) gave me the inspiration and confidence to rebuild my
personal dadhood from scratch. Before then, I felt
paternally-challenged, handicapped as a dad, a total fathering
failure. Now, as I define my dadhood based on my own standards and
expectations, I don’t fear failure. Parents are not perfect; failure
is a crucial part of the process of becoming a better parent.

3) Depression looks different when it happens to a guy after the birth
of a child. What did depression look like for you? What are some signs
and symptoms other men and their loved ones should learn to recognize?
What can partners do to help if a loved one is sinking into a deep
depression?

The clearest symptom of my depression was the way I grasped
desperately for moments of self-indulgence, most often with food. I
would savor opportunities to leave the house “on an errand” and get
big fat cheeseburgers. I think I outpaced my son 10-1 in terms of
weight gain that month alone. Eating fast food was a secret; it even
felt like cheating, but it also felt like one of the few parts of my
individual identity that wasn’t obliterated by parenthood. When men
start keeping secrets from their partners, something is amiss in the
relationship; someone’s needs are not getting met.

I’m not a psychologist, but my advice for women partners is to
understand that some men need to retain a semblance of their
pre-parenthood lives, and that need should be supported and nurtured
as much as possible, as well as openly discussed. Also, a marriage
needs to be proactively preserved, not martyred, as it gets rocked by
the wrecking ball of sudden parenthood.

4) The perpetuated myth of the typical male as a stalwart statue
resounds pretty deeply within the modern psyche. Have you experienced
any backlash as a result of sharing your experience with depression?
How have you coped with those who have harshly judged your experience?

Depression in men — dads in particular — is often taken as a sign of
weakness and cowardice. People have told me I needed to just “man up”,
but I think it takes a lot of courage to admit vulnerability, and
dealing with emotions openly is ultimately healthier than burying
them. I’ve had people call me some pretty nasty things, but just as
many men and women have approached me with similar stories, and found
my writing to be “gutsy.”

I feared a backlash from women with PPD because women have a
biological, umbilical connection to their kids; Dads just have to hold
on tight. So who are we to claim post-partum depression? But women
who’d suffered from PPD had some of the most supportive responses to
my writing.

My reaction to those who called me a “crybaby”, “weak,” and a
“terrible excuse for a man” is simply to say: I had difficulty
accepting sudden fatherhood — the biggest upheaval in life —  and
I’m owning up to it. I also overcame it, love my children, and have a
great relationship with them now.

This goes against the grain because it doesn’t fall into one of the
top three father stereotypes: Deadbeat (Gosselin), Lazy (Romano) and
Super-Dad (Cosby); the guilt of not living up to that last impossible
expectation can be really destructive, but slipping into a lazy
parenting role is also a disservice and a missed opportunity to
connect with your kids in a really meaningful way.

It’s my current wonderful and honest relationship with my kids that
gives me faith that I’m doing the right thing as their father. I’m a
more genuine dad for having been completely honest with myself.

5) List three things which made you smile or laugh today.

1. A news report about a stray cat that was stuck under the hood of a
car during a long road trip, but survived and escaped injury. I’m sure
it had a grudge; I believe cats are the only animals capable of
holding grudges.

2. Having my mechanic not only look at my flat tire without an
appointment, but also shuttle me to the train station so I wouldn’t
have to walk in the cold.

3. Getting handed a slice of mud pie for a colleague’s birthday party.
I love office parties.

6) As a result of the depressive episodes both my husband and I
experienced after the birth of our second daughter, we have begun to
talk with our children about depression in an age-appropriate manner.
Have you spoken with your oldest son about depression yet? If not, do
you think you will in the future and what do you see that conversation
including?

I’m very fortunate that my kids are very bright and open with their
emotions, so we talk about a full range of feelings. They’re too young
to grasp the concept of clinical depression, but they understand
confusion, sadness, and frustration very well, as we deal with those
feelings almost every time I see them.

I don’t plan on advertising my depression to them, but I hope when
they’re old enough to read and understand that essay in particular,
they’ll see the value in being honest with oneself, and how writing
can play a part in that process.

I do talk to them openly about anger-management – both theirs and
mine. These discussions help me help them, and help them see me as a
complete human, not just as a parent. I think it’s good for older
children to see their parents as people, not just parents.

7) At the Postpartum Dads Project we believe Postpartum Mood Disorders
are a WHOLE family thing. What kind of support, if any, did you have
during your depression after the birth of your son? How do you think
your level of support at the time affected your recovery? What can new
dads do to build a supportive network around themselves?

My ex-wife is a psychologist and quickly diagnosed me as having PTSD
following my son’s birth. It’s certainly possible I had PTSD, but my
main problem in those early days was the decimation of my identity. I
coped with that by draping myself in denial – which in retrospect only
extended my depression.

I’m not the type of person to have a close circle of friends, and I
wasn’t honest enough with myself or others to make use of that kind of
support system anyway. My parents are very “right and wrong” kind of
parents, so I did not turn to them either. Ultimately, it took time,
therapy, and – frankly — divorce for me to recover.

I feel new dads really need to share experiences, not just advice,
with each other. One of the reasons I wrote the book was because it
was something I needed when I got divorced. Finding legal tips online
was easy; getting comfort less so. With no divorce whatsoever in my
family history, I needed to know I wasn’t alone.

I’m still inspired by other dads who talk about their difficulty with
sudden parenthood – sometimes they whisper it to me. What we need is
compassion and understanding.

8) Your depression ultimately led to your divorce. Would you share
with our readers what the inside of a divorce looks like? What helped
you survive and thrive during this difficult time?

My depression definitely made me harder to live with, but — to my
eyes — my ex wife’s abandonment of our marriage for parenthood caused
the divorce. While our actual separation was fairly calm, the inside
of a legal divorce is an ugly place where justice and fairness
collides with feelings and justifications, but the outside can be
peaceful if the two parties realize that civility does not require
agreement or even understanding.

My kids actually helped me cope with the divorce by showing love for
me as an individual, outside our former family context. When they live
with me, it makes me feel like a father. And that’s a wonderful,
fulfilling feeling.

9) What is your absolute favorite thing about fatherhood? Share with
us a quick story about one of the funniest things one of your kids has
done.

My favorite thing to do with my kids – and the least expensive — is
go to Kmart. They hang on to the big red shopping carts while I take
sharp turns, go on shopping list scavenger hunts, stack bottles of
Dad’s favorite black cherry sparkling water, gawk at the massive
display of Halloween costumes, and run up the down escalators. It
never gets old.

10) Last but not least, let’s say you have just a split second to give
some advice to a struggling new dad before he jumps in a cab. What
would you tell him?

Be the dad you are, not the dad people in your life or in your
television expect you to be.1) Tell us a little about Joel Schwartzberg, the guy. What would he be

doing on a typical Friday night if he had it to himself?

I’m all about comfort, so it wouldn’t be much different from how I’d

spend it with my wife and our five cats: relaxing on our soft couch,

checking email, watching reruns of “Law & Order” and eating something

delicious she made. Though, to be fair, if I was by myself you’d have

to substitute a slice of eggplant parmigiana pizza for my wife’s

inspired cooking. It’s not exactly glamorous, but it is me.

2) In your Newsweek article, Slouching Towards Fatherhood, you open up

about your depression after the birth of your son. In the piece you

mention a realization of depression years after it occurred. How did

this realization put life as a father into perspective for you?

Realizing I had suffered from depression (and wasn’t just a naturally

“bad dad”) gave me the inspiration and confidence to rebuild my

personal dadhood from scratch. Before then, I felt

paternally-challenged, handicapped as a dad, a total fathering

failure. Now, as I define my dadhood based on my own standards and

expectations, I don’t fear failure. Parents are not perfect; failure

is a crucial part of the process of becoming a better parent.

3) Depression looks different when it happens to a guy after the birth

of a child. What did depression look like for you? What are some signs

and symptoms other men and their loved ones should learn to recognize?

What can partners do to help if a loved one is sinking into a deep

depression?

The clearest symptom of my depression was the way I grasped

desperately for moments of self-indulgence, most often with food. I

would savor opportunities to leave the house “on an errand” and get

big fat cheeseburgers. I think I outpaced my son 10-1 in terms of

weight gain that month alone. Eating fast food was a secret; it even

felt like cheating, but it also felt like one of the few parts of my

individual identity that wasn’t obliterated by parenthood. When men

start keeping secrets from their partners, something is amiss in the

relationship; someone’s needs are not getting met.

I’m not a psychologist, but my advice for women partners is to

understand that some men need to retain a semblance of their

pre-parenthood lives, and that need should be supported and nurtured

as much as possible, as well as openly discussed. Also, a marriage

needs to be proactively preserved, not martyred, as it gets rocked by

the wrecking ball of sudden parenthood.

4) The perpetuated myth of the typical male as a stalwart statue

resounds pretty deeply within the modern psyche. Have you experienced

any backlash as a result of sharing your experience with depression?

How have you coped with those who have harshly judged your experience?

Depression in men — dads in particular — is often taken as a sign of

weakness and cowardice. People have told me I needed to just “man up”,

but I think it takes a lot of courage to admit vulnerability, and

dealing with emotions openly is ultimately healthier than burying

them. I’ve had people call me some pretty nasty things, but just as

many men and women have approached me with similar stories, and found

my writing to be “gutsy.”

I feared a backlash from women with PPD because women have a

biological, umbilical connection to their kids; Dads just have to hold

on tight. So who are we to claim post-partum depression? But women

who’d suffered from PPD had some of the most supportive responses to

my writing.

My reaction to those who called me a “crybaby”, “weak,” and a

“terrible excuse for a man” is simply to say: I had difficulty

accepting sudden fatherhood — the biggest upheaval in life — and

I’m owning up to it. I also overcame it, love my children, and have a

great relationship with them now.

This goes against the grain because it doesn’t fall into one of the

top three father stereotypes: Deadbeat (Gosselin), Lazy (Romano) and

Super-Dad (Cosby); the guilt of not living up to that last impossible

expectation can be really destructive, but slipping into a lazy

parenting role is also a disservice and a missed opportunity to

connect with your kids in a really meaningful way.

It’s my current wonderful and honest relationship with my kids that

gives me faith that I’m doing the right thing as their father. I’m a

more genuine dad for having been completely honest with myself.

5) List three things which made you smile or laugh today.

1. A news report about a stray cat that was stuck under the hood of a

car during a long road trip, but survived and escaped injury. I’m sure

it had a grudge; I believe cats are the only animals capable of

holding grudges.

2. Having my mechanic not only look at my flat tire without an

appointment, but also shuttle me to the train station so I wouldn’t

have to walk in the cold.

3. Getting handed a slice of mud pie for a colleague’s birthday party.

I love office parties.

6) As a result of the depressive episodes both my husband and I

experienced after the birth of our second daughter, we have begun to

talk with our children about depression in an age-appropriate manner.

Have you spoken with your oldest son about depression yet? If not, do

you think you will in the future and what do you see that conversation

including?

I’m very fortunate that my kids are very bright and open with their

emotions, so we talk about a full range of feelings. They’re too young

to grasp the concept of clinical depression, but they understand

confusion, sadness, and frustration very well, as we deal with those

feelings almost every time I see them.

I don’t plan on advertising my depression to them, but I hope when

they’re old enough to read and understand that essay in particular,

they’ll see the value in being honest with oneself, and how writing

can play a part in that process.

I do talk to them openly about anger-management – both theirs and

mine. These discussions help me help them, and help them see me as a

complete human, not just as a parent. I think it’s good for older

children to see their parents as people, not just parents.

7) At the Postpartum Dads Project we believe Postpartum Mood Disorders

are a WHOLE family thing. What kind of support, if any, did you have

during your depression after the birth of your son? How do you think

your level of support at the time affected your recovery? What can new

dads do to build a supportive network around themselves?

My ex-wife is a psychologist and quickly diagnosed me as having PTSD

following my son’s birth. It’s certainly possible I had PTSD, but my

main problem in those early days was the decimation of my identity. I

coped with that by draping myself in denial – which in retrospect only

extended my depression.

I’m not the type of person to have a close circle of friends, and I

wasn’t honest enough with myself or others to make use of that kind of

support system anyway. My parents are very “right and wrong” kind of

parents, so I did not turn to them either. Ultimately, it took time,

therapy, and – frankly — divorce for me to recover.

I feel new dads really need to share experiences, not just advice,

with each other. One of the reasons I wrote the book was because it

was something I needed when I got divorced. Finding legal tips online

was easy; getting comfort less so. With no divorce whatsoever in my

family history, I needed to know I wasn’t alone.

I’m still inspired by other dads who talk about their difficulty with

sudden parenthood – sometimes they whisper it to me. What we need is

compassion and understanding.

8) Your depression ultimately led to your divorce. Would you share

with our readers what the inside of a divorce looks like? What helped

you survive and thrive during this difficult time?

My depression definitely made me harder to live with, but — to my

eyes — my ex wife’s abandonment of our marriage for parenthood caused

the divorce. While our actual separation was fairly calm, the inside

of a legal divorce is an ugly place where justice and fairness

collides with feelings and justifications, but the outside can be

peaceful if the two parties realize that civility does not require

agreement or even understanding.

My kids actually helped me cope with the divorce by showing love for

me as an individual, outside our former family context. When they live

with me, it makes me feel like a father. And that’s a wonderful,

fulfilling feeling.

9) What is your absolute favorite thing about fatherhood? Share with

us a quick story about one of the funniest things one of your kids has

done.

My favorite thing to do with my kids – and the least expensive — is

go to Kmart. They hang on to the big red shopping carts while I take

sharp turns, go on shopping list scavenger hunts, stack bottles of

Dad’s favorite black cherry sparkling water, gawk at the massive

display of Halloween costumes, and run up the down escalators. It

never gets old.

10) Last but not least, let’s say you have just a split second to give

some advice to a struggling new dad before he jumps in a cab. What

would you tell him?

Be the dad you are, not the dad people in your life or in your

television expect you to be.

Australian TODAY Show does segment on male Postnatal Depression

In a nearly four and a half minute segment the anchor and a male pediatrician discuss male postnatal depression quite thoroughly. Some great suggestions and information are given.

Click here to view the video.

Joel Schwartzberg opens up about Male Postpartum Depression

Joel Schwartzberg, author of a new book The 40-Year-Old Version: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad, opens up about his experience with male postpartum depression in an interview over at The Collective Inkwell.

In April, Newsweek published an article by Joel in which he detailed his experience. He was surprised at the subsequent backlash he received as a result of opening up.

I’d like to commend Joel for opening up and sharing his story. Not many men speak up about depression after childbirth. While women are finally finding their voices (and using them), many men still find themselves in dark when it comes to admitting there are issues associated with the birth of a child. According to Joel, “Fathers are told all the time to just “man up” in the face of conflict, but this is a very invalidating and antiquated perspective. We are still humans, still individuals, and our worlds are no less rocked by parenthood than mothers’ are.”

If you’re a father who has experienced depression after the birth of a child, I want to encourage you to “man up” and open up to let other dads know that it’s ok to feel that way. The more open men are about their emotions and feelings the better off they and their families will be.

Thanks, Joel, for speaking up about such a tough topic.

Fathers of NICU infants have delayed emotional response

This past June, Richard Shaw, M.D., a Packard/Stanford Child Psychologist, studied post traumatic stress disorder among parents of premature infants in the Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit. The results showed that regardless of severity of the infant’s condition, all parents showed very similar symptoms. Many of the parents responded to this traumatic beginning by over-compensating for their child’s health by taking the child to the doctor more frequently.

Most notable though, for this blog’s focus, was the results of the father’s response. It seems that at four months the maternal reaction would be balancing out but the father’s response would be hitting the wall. More often than not, the father would have a more intense reaction than Mom. Shaw theorizes the reason for the delayed response is Dad wanting to stay strong for Mom.

This particular piece of research hit home for me. It was at about four months when I was finally putting my life back together but my husband’s own life seemingly crumbled before my eyes. He became increasingly irritable, argumentative, did not want to talk, was using marijuana more and more. He also quit his job just three weeks before our daughter’s cleft palate surgery which was scheduled when she was 5 months old. While I did not yet have the strength to pull it completely together, I found myself having to do so. He sank into a very deep depression and we had to pull each other up even with surgeries swirling around us. Remember that even if the forward progress is slow, it’s forward progress.

The key is to communicate. Let her know you’re struggling. Listen to her concerns. Share your concerns. Many NICU’s across the nation have access to a Social Worker. Ask for support and find out if there is a support group available at the hospital. Peer support is as invaluable as family support. Train family members to care for your special needs child so you and Mom can go out to get coffee. Gradually work your way up to a movie. Some communities have respite care available for worn out parents of special needs children as well. And please don’t forget to ask for in-home nursing.

When you are blessed with a special needs child don’t forget to take extra special care of yourself. Because the healthier you are mentally, the better chance your child has at really thriving in life.

Boot Camp for New Dads

Facing fatherhood can be a pretty daunting experience. Suddenly you’re thrust into the spotlight as you play your role as the happy expectant dad. It’s all good until you get to the hospital and suddenly there’s this screaming little creature in your arms. Mom’s asleep because she just gave birth and is understandably exhausted.

There you are. Just you and the little one. Some dads, just like some moms, are naturals. And then there are the rest of us. Those of us who just don’t know what to do or worry that baby will judge us if we don’t put the diaper on right. (FYI, they won’t. Heck, they won’t even remember!)

Guess what, dads? You’ve got help on your side!

The folks over at the New Fathers Foundation started a program called Boot Camp for New Dads quite some time ago. This program is run by dads for dads. They teach all sorts of cool stuff – from how to take care of baby to how to help mom right after she’s given birth. Guess what? You’re not helpless. There are things you can do to help even if mom is nursing.

You can check out the Boot Camp for Dads website by clicking here. And you can read about some new dads who took the class by clicking here.

You’re not alone. And you’ll do just fine.

Men less likely to seek help for depression

Canadian researcher Aline Drapeau of the University of Montreal published a study back in February which examined the typical mental-health seeking habits of a group of men and women.

Turns out men are less likely to seek help for depression or other light to moderate mental health issues than women. Normally this type of behavior is attributed to cultural differences but this result crossed cultural boundaries. Researchers surmised this behavior may be due to social gender expectations. Men may fear being stigmatized and exposing feminine emotions by seeking out help for mental illness issues. Researchers also discovered professional anchorage may have something to do with the desire for seeking mental health care.

The reason this particular study is so important is because although women have a much higher rate of suicide attempts, men have a much higher rate of successful suicide. If men were more comfortable with seeking help their suicide rate would drop. Men are more likely to use violent and agressive methods of suicide which may account for the vast disparate in completion rates between men and women. Women are also more likely to talk things through with friends and loved ones than men.

The key point to take away here is that if you are male and struggling with depression please seek help. You owe it to yourself, your family and your loved ones. Mental health services exist for everyone and should be completely confidential. If you wonder about your rights as a mental health patient you can click here for a copy of your rights.

Families for Depression Awareness

NPR recently did a story regarding the effect Depression has on the entire family. This piece led to the discovery of an organization called “Families for Depression Awareness.”

Founded by a woman who’s brother committed suicide after several attempts to get him help, the organization is dedicated to raising depression awareness for family members. They encourage full family involvement in recovery which is something the Postpartum Dads Project also encourages.

One of the family profiles at Families for Depression Awareness centers around Postpartum Depression. You can read it by clicking here.

Whether it’s your wife or yourself struggling with depression after the birth of a child the two of you owe it to your child(ren) to heal and support the struggling partner. This enables your children to see your dedication to your partner and teaches them the invaluable lesson of not giving up when the going gets tough.

Please take a moment to check Families for Depression Awareness. Know that you are not part of the problem even if your wife is shouting, yelling, and arguing with you for no apparent reason. It’s the PPD talking. You are part of the solution. Offer to take the baby. Encourage her to take time for herself. Research about Postpartum Mood & Anxiety Disorders so you better understand what her world is looking like right now.

More than ever, your wife needs you front and center. Her world has crumbled around her and you are her rock. It’s ok for you to be quivering too. Let her know that. Most often I felt better when I knew my husband was struggling too. It let me know I wasn’t alone. I’m not suggesting you lie to her – just be honest about how things are going for you as you travel the long road back to recovery with her. Honest but not accusatory. Honest but not hateful. Honest but not spiteful. Honest and Compassionate. One day she will thank you. It may not be right now. It may not be tomorrow. But she will thank you down the road. And she may or may not cry while doing so.

Fatherhood Friday Ponderings 07.10.09

"Kauai Cliffs" by ingridz @ flickr.com

When you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.

~Friedrich Nietzche~

Fatherhood Friday Ponderings 07.03.09

"I've been tagged" by Christolakis @ flickr

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely…

~Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 – 1882)~